(I haven’t even gotten to open my email this morning when the first visitor — a hospice aide — comes in. She immediately has a bad attitude and I’m thinking “it is way too early for this s***.”)

Me: “Good morning!”

Aide: “Is one of those a bathroom?” *nods towards two doors to the left*

Me: “The second one is.” *blinks as she stomps off* “You’ll need to come back and sign in when you’re done.”

Aide: *ignores me AND the sign on the door that says it’s the office and tries the first door anyway* “It’s locked. Why is it locked?”

Me: “Because that’s my boss’s office. The bathroom is the second door.”

Aide: “Well, why didn’t you say so?” *finally goes in the door that has a large “BATHROOM” sign on it*

Me: *eye-twitch*

(I greet another visitor and chat with her for a minute while the aide goes about her bathroom business and finally comes back out, heading off in the wrong direction, away from my desk.)

Me: “Ma’am? Can you come back up here for a minute, please?”

Aide: *huffs* “What?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you need to sign in, please.”

Aide: “Ugh, fine. Where’s the book?”

Me: “It’s this tablet, here.” *starts walking her through how to use it*

Aide: “I don’t think I need to be doing this.”

Me: “I’m sorry, everyone has to; otherwise, I can’t let you in. It’s for our residents’ security.”

Aide: “I really don’t think I need to do this, though.” *finishes signing in and starts to walk off again*

Me: “Ma’am? Please put this on!” *hands her a name badge that just printed out*

Aide: “I have to show this? Can I put it away?”

Me: “No, ma’am, you need to stick it on yourself so my coworkers know you’re okay to be here.”

Aide: “This is ridiculous.” *smacks the name badge onto her shirt, where it predictably falls to the floor because the genius didn’t take the sticky part off* “What the h***?”

Me: *barely resisting the urge to facepalm myself into a coma* “You need to peel the backing off first.”

Aide: “God, this is so stupid!” *picks it off the floor and finally sticks it to herself and stomps off into the building, b****ing under her breath*

Me: “Have a good day!”

(It wasn’t even 7:30 yet!)

(My church has two high-school youth groups: the large main group and a small “misfits” group with less than eight regular attendees, meant for those who are more socially awkward and don’t connect with the main group. I’m a part of the smaller group. After a meeting, I’m talking with the rest of the group: three other girls. A girl from the main group passes us with her family and we see them coming.)

Me: “Oh, crud, humans! Everyone act normal!”

Girl #1: “Hello, fellow human!”

Girl #2: “Yes, hello! We are also humans!”

Me: “Perfectly normal humans!”

Girl #3: “Nothing to see here! We’re just normal humans like you doing normal human things!”

(The girl and her family smile politely and hurry away, probably questioning our sanity.)

Girl #2: *laughing* “This is why we’re the misfits.”

(I frequently wear necklaces. When I’m in middle school, my favorite one to wear is a black and silver locket. I’m working on a group project when one of my partners speaks up.)

Girl: “Is that a locket?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Girl: “What did you put in it?”

Me: *opens locket to show that it’s empty* “Nothing yet.”

Girl: “Can you put my picture in there?”

(I’m a little taken aback, because while I know this girl pretty well as a side effect of going to a small school, I don’t particularly enjoy her company and we’ve never been close enough to be considered friends.)

Me: “Uh, I was going to put in a picture of my dog—“

Girl: “Aw, why not me?”

Me: “Well, the dog is dead, so…”

(She left me alone after that.)

(My school, being religious, has a fairly strict policy on swearing. In speech class, we’re watching a movie where a character sometimes uses intense profanity in speech therapy to help alleviate a stutter. The teacher has made notes for when these scenes happen so she can mute the film at the appropriate time. However, she leaves the room to talk to another teacher and one of the profanity-filled scenes comes on. About ten minutes later, the teacher comes running back into the room.)

Teacher: “Did I miss the profanity scene?!”

Student #1: “Yeah . . .”

Teacher: *dramatically falls on floor* “I am so sorry! I was talking to [Teacher #2] and thought, ‘Oh, no, is one of the swearing scenes is coming up?’ so I ran back here as fast as I could!”

Student #2: “It happened a while ago.”

Teacher: *checks timestamp on movie* “I missed it by ten minutes!”

Student #3: “I thought you were just sitting in the back and didn’t care!”

Teacher: “No! I am so, so sorry!”

(She has not forgotten to mute a scene since.)

(I’m a manager at a pet store and we do allow people to bring their pets into the store. However, we do have stipulations.)

Me: *answering phone* “Hello, [Pet Store], how may I help you?”

Caller: “My puppy has fleas; can you help?”

Me: “I think we can; we have many items to help with fleas. Can I ask you about your puppy?”

(He goes on to explain about his puppy, and it’s obvious over the phone he’s got a bad flea problem.)

Me: “I can help you right away if you come to the store. Just ask for me.”

Caller: “Okay, I’ll be right there. Is it okay if I bring my puppy?”

Me: “Sir, while we do allow pets in the store, I’m going to ask that you do not bring your puppy, because we do not want our other guests to get infested.”

Caller: “Okay, I understand. I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”

(Sure enough, about ten minutes later a man shows up, but he does have his puppy with him and it is literally covered head to toe in fleas.)

Me: “Sir, aren’t you the man I just spoke with on the phone? Didn’t I ask you not to bring your puppy?”

Caller: “Yes, but I wanted you to see just how bad it was!”

(I managed to get him to take his puppy outside. He was actually a very nice customer and very happy to have me help him out, and eventually, he did see why he shouldn’t have brought his dog into the store.)