I work in a pharmacy inside a larger store. A customer is talking to me about getting a range of prescriptions for her son — mostly ADHD medications. An older woman approaches; I learn that she is the customer’s mother and the grandmother of the sick boy.

Customer’s Mother: “Why are you getting all this crap?”

Customer: “Mom, I told you, the doctor said he needs this medication for his—”

Customer’s Mother: “Nonsense! That doctor just wants to make money from pumping [Child] full of drugs! A good parent would know better!”

Me: *Thinking I can help* “Actually, ma’am, the medications listed here are all off-brand. I don’t think the doctor is sponsoring any specific company by prescribing these.

Customer’s Mother: “Of course, you’d say that! You’re paid to lie for them!” *To [Customer]* “You need to pray harder so that The Lord sees fit to put that boy right.”

[Customer’s Mother] has been getting louder as she rants, attracting the attention of my manager.

Manager: “Ma’am, please, there’s no need to be so loud.”

Customer’s Mother: “I’ll be as loud as I d*** well please! This is about the health of my grandchild! She already went ahead and vaccinated him! That’s why his brain ain’t right!”

The grandmother then picks up the medication boxes and swipes them away.

Customer’s Mother: “We don’t need any of that crap! Jesus is the cure for all ills!”

Manager: “Then please, ma’am, tell me, when is he going to publish his research?”

My wife is in the hospital on Monday and Tuesday. She tells me they have sent a prescription to our local pharmacy, so I pick it up Wednesday morning before 9:00 am. (It isn’t time-sensitive.)

On Thursday, around noon, I get a text saying [Wife]’s prescription is ready.

Wife: *Confused* “I guess it’s possible they put in the antibiotic too, just in case.”

On Friday morning, I go back to the pharmacy.

Pharmacy Assistant: “That prescription was already picked up.”

Me: “Why did you send me this text, then?” 

Pharmacy Assistant: “You must have picked it up after our cutoff.”

So, apparently, if I don’t pick up a prescription before they open for the day, they will send me a reminder the following day.

I have to get some regular medications from the pharmacy, which involves using a script and waiting for the pharmacist to sort it out. Usually, this will take about half an hour just because the pharmacy is always busy with other people’s stuff, as well.

I also have to take hay fever medication every day, and because I have to cycle through them (some work better at different times of the year), I generally know a bit about the ones they have stocked at the pharmacy.

The waiting area for prescription medications just so happens to be in front of the hay fever medication. I’m a naturally introverted person and will often avoid unnecessary social interaction, but I also like to be helpful where I can, especially if someone looks confused. This was one of those times, but it kind of dominoed on me.

I was about ten minutes into my wait when I saw a man in his twenties looking at the hay fever medication with sheer bewilderment on his face. After a couple of minutes of his indecision, I stepped in to offer my help.

Me: “You seem lost. What are you after?”

Man: “Uh… Just, like, something for a runny nose.”

Me: “Is it an all-the-time thing or just occasionally?”

Man: “It’s just on and off.”

Me: “I would recommend the [Pill Brand #1] since it’s the cheapest and works best for snot.”

He looked at it for a couple of seconds, shrugged, and went on his way reading the box. It was a job well done, and I went back to waiting. Or so I thought.

A second later, I got a hesitant tap on the shoulder from a woman in her twenties.

Lady: “Excuse me. Do you know which one I should use for everyday use?”

Me: “Well, it depends on what symptoms you’re trying to get rid of. Snot, cough, sneezing, or itchiness?”

Lady: “Um, I guess mostly itchiness, but occasionally, cough.”

Me: “You could go with either [Pill Brand #2] or [Nasal Spray]. If it’s mostly itchiness, I would recommend [Nasal Spray] as that works best for me. But if you don’t like nasal spray, [Pill Brand #2] does well.”

Lady: “I think I’ll go with the [Pill Brand #2]; I’ve not done nasal spray before. Thank you.”

Me: “Not a problem.”

Looking around, I saw a couple looking hopefully in my direction. With an internal sigh, I asked if they need help.

Couple: “You wouldn’t happen to know where baby formula is?”

Me: “Ah, not exactly. However, the baby stuff I have seen is in aisle four. I think it would be about halfway down since I know those are tins of some sort. I’ve not paid any attention to know what’s in the tins, though, sorry.”

Couple: “Okay, thank you. We’ll start there. Thanks.”

And off they went. At this point, I didn’t see anyone else looking like they were waiting for help, so I thought I was free to do more of my own waiting.

Then, an elderly lady snuck up behind me like a ninja.

Elderly Ninja: “Excuse me, sir. Do you know where they keep the hay fever eye drops? I couldn’t see them with any of the other hay fever stuff, and I heard you helping the other people, so…”

Me: “Of course. They keep it in the eye aisle.” *Which is fun to say, by the way* “Do you need it for itchiness or dryness?”

Elderly Ninja: “Um, mostly for dryness, I guess. I never really thought of it.”

Me: “Okay, I would recommend this one.”

I grabbed the blue-packaged [Eyedrop Brand #1].

Me: “It has a mild active ingredient for general allergies but is focused on lubricating rather than just hay fever. You could get the stronger one…” *gesturing to a red bottle* “…but I find it can dry the eyes a bit.”

Elderly Ninja: “Thank you so much. You know, you’re the only person that’s been any help in this store. You should put in an application and then ask for a raise.”

And off she wandered into the shadows, chuckling at her own humour.

Getting back to my waiting spot, I looked at the clock, and I was now only about twenty minutes into my expected half-hour wait, so I settled back in.

Pharmacist: “What was your name?”

Me: “Oh, it’s [My Name].”

Pharmacist: “Okay, give me a minute.”

He riffled through his papers for a second and then grabbed my stuff.

Pharmacist: “Thanks for helping. Here you go.”

Me: “Oh, thanks! I wasn’t expecting you to push me to the front of the queue.”

Pharmacist: “And I wasn’t expecting you to help half the customers in the store.”

And with that, I took my drugs and went home with a spent social battery.

I’m subject to frequent, extremely painful sinus infections that can take multiple courses of antibiotics to clear up and require prescription painkillers. On this particular night, I’ve had to go to the ER as I was labeled “drug seeking” by urgent care for asking for pain relief and antibiotics. (Seriously, once I said the pain was an eight, the doctor wouldn’t even address the infection and decided I just wanted drugs, DESPITE my medical records showing these recurring infections and the resulting prescriptions of antibiotics and Tylenol with codeine.)

So, I’ve been in the ER, in pain that regular painkillers won’t help, for multiple hours, and by the time I get to the pharmacy, I just want to pick up my prescriptions and go home.

As I’m with my best friend and his boyfriend, neither of whom share my last name, I have to go inside to present my ID for the painkillers. I’m exhausted, in pain, and generally look like a zombie. Both of the guys go inside with me because they’re genuinely concerned I’ll fall.

I wander up to the counter.

Me: “Hi. I’m here to pick up some prescriptions that should be under [My Name].”

Tech: “Okay, I see we have Amoxicillin and…” *pauses* “…Tylenol with… codeine.”

Me: “That sounds correct.”

Tech: “Okay, I can get that antibiotic for you, but I’m not sure I can give you the other.”

Me: “Is insurance not covering it?”

Tech: “No, I just… I’m not sure I can give it to someone… in your state.”

Here we go again.

Me: “I’ve just come from the ER. I’ve been there half the night.”

Tech: “Yes… but… I don’t know. You could come back tomorrow for it.”

Me: “Please. I am in serious pain. I will not be able to sleep or function if something isn’t done about it.”

Tech: “Yes… but…”

Best Friend: “What is the reason you aren’t able to give her a filled prescription tonight?”

Tech: “She’s… Well… She doesn’t look…”

Best Friend: “Can we speak to the pharmacist?”

Tech: “He’s not in at the moment.”

Major lie. My state requires a pharmacist on staff during all pharmacy operating hours. He could be on break, but if he were not in, they would not be open.

Best Friend: “I was the one who took her to the ER. We were there for five hours; that’s why she looks like s***. We have the discharge papers in the car. [Boyfriend], can you grab them?”

His boyfriend starts to head out to the car to grab the papers.

Tech: *Huffing* “You can get the antibiotic. Or you can leave.”

Me: *Giving up* “Okay, the antibiotic, please.”

Best Friend: “[My Name]…”

Me: “I don’t have this in me. I just want to sleep. I have sleeping pills.”

We get the antibiotic and head back to the car.

Best Friend: “You should call your mom.”

Me: “It’s 2:00 am.”

Best Friend: “They might let her pick it up. I know your mom; she won’t mind.”

So, that’s what we do. My mother is out of bed in an instant, getting dressed and heading to pick up the medication. My mom goes full mama bear, asking for the pharmacist himself and relaying the story. In short order, she walks out with my medication and delivers it.

I go in ten days later to pick up my second course of antibiotics. I am served by the same tech, and she’s very friendly. I realize that, as it’s the middle of the day, I’m dressed for work. She doesn’t recognize me until I tell her my name and what I’m here to pick up. Then, she shoots me the dirtiest look, but she does get the medication.

Now, normally, I’m not a nasty person. But I just can’t resist.

Me: “Isn’t it funny how different I look when I haven’t been in the ER in serious pain all night?”

I got my meds and left.

My best friend says pain adds years to my face, and I believe him.

Customer: “I’m here for my dad’s medication. He’s too sick to come in.”

I look up the prescription, and it’s for a few controlled drugs, one of which is popular with addicts.

Me: “I don’t have you authorized to collect on his behalf.”

Customer: “Yes, but he’s too sick to come in! He sent me, instead!”

Me: “Can I see your ID, ma’am?”

She shows me her ID, and she shares the same last name as the patient. I call my manager over.

Manager: “If your father’s doctor can call us to authorize you to collect on his behalf, then we can dispense it to you.”

Customer: “That will take too long! You don’t understand; I need his medication now!”

Manager: “Even if I were able to give it to you, our system requires us to see the ID of the patient even if they’re not present, so—”

Customer: “Wait! I have his death certificate!”

We all stop and stare at the customer. Funnily, she is the last one to realize that she just f***ed up.

Manager: “His… death, certificate, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well… s***.” 

She rushed out while I laughed, and my manager wrote down her license plate number.