The Magical Mocha Phone

, , , | Right | October 21, 2008

(I used to repair phones for an office.)

Customer: “My phone is broken.”

Me: “Can you please describe the problem?”

Customer: “It’s broken.”

Me: “In what way?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone? Can you not dial a specific number?”

Customer: “Nothing happens. It’s broken.”

Me: “Where is your desk?”

Customer: “Second floor, cube [number].”

(Upon arriving, I find the phone with no lights, no dial tone, no anything. On a hunch, I ask…)

Me: “Did you spill coffee in it?”

Customer: “No!”

(I grab the phone, tilt it and coffee pours out.)

Me: “Huh.” *glares at customer*

Customer: “I DIDN’T spill coffee in it!”

Me: “Riiight.”

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Fibbing Fail

, , | Right | October 16, 2008

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to return this d*** camera.”

Me: “Sure, was it not working?”

Customer: “I just don’t want it, okay?”

Me: “Okay. Have you opened the box yet?”

Customer: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, as the sticker on the box says, if the box is opened and you return it, I have to charge you a restocking fee.”

Customer: “Oh. No… no, it hasn’t been opened.”

(I look and the box has been clearly opened, with a torn seal.)

Me: “Uh… are you sure it hasn’t been opened?”

Customer: “LOOK! ARE YOU CALLING ME A F***ING LIAR? Where is your manager? I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars here and this is how I’m treated?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you just–”

Customer: “THESE PEOPLE CALL CUSTOMERS LIARS! DON’T SHOP HERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe you! I will return it!”

Customer: “That’s right you will!”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “It’s in the box.”

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Piss Poor Pizza Poacher

, , , | Right | September 29, 2008

Me: “Hello, [Pizza Place]. how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m supposed to get a free pizza because you guys made it wrong last time.”

Me: “Okay, sir, can I have your address, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “So I can look up your credit; we file them by address.”

(He gives me his address, which isn’t in the file. I try every possible means to verify his story, and am finally convinced that he’s lying.)

Me: “Did the person you dealt with last time ask for your address?”

Customer:“No, they just said I could have a free pizza.”

Me: “Did they happen to give you their name?”

Customer: “No, it was just some guy.”

(I’m the only male manager at the restaurant.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give you a free pizza.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I have no record of it. I can’t just give pizza away to anybody who says we screwed up.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Excuse me?! What is your name?”

Me: “My name is ‘guy-who’s-not-giving-you-a-free-pizza.’ What’s yours?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “I am the manager.”

Customer: “Well, haven’t you ever heard that the customer is always right?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what people say when they’re trying to rip us off.” *click*

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Cheapskates: FAIL

, , , | Right | September 20, 2008

Customer: “Hey, can I get these rolls at a discount?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry sir, it’s only 6:00. We don’t discount the bags until right before close.”

Customer: “Well, the girl last night let me do it!”

Me: “Sir, I was working last night, and no, I did not.”

Customer: “Alright, it was the night before! That girl!”

Me: “Richard?”

Customer: *slinks away*

 

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Welcome To Retail, Part 2

, , | Right | September 11, 2008

(It’s my first day on the job. I just finished scanning all of a customer’s groceries and given her the total when she holds up a roll of paper towels. She hadn’t put them on the conveyor belt.)

Customer: “Why didn’t you ring this up?”

Me: “Oh. You didn’t put it down on the conveyor belt. I’ll add it to your–”

Customer: “Why is it my fault? You should have rung it up the first time!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you didn’t–”

Customer: “I’d like to speak to your manager. ”

(I call my manager over.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Yeah, she didn’t ring this up.” *holds up paper towels*

Manager: “Ma’am, did you put it on the conveyor belt?”

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “Then how could she ring it up?”

Customer: “By sliding it across the beepy thingy, duh!”

Manager: “How could she if you hadn’t put it down?”

Customer: “…I don’t know. She just should have!”

Manager: “Well, then why don’t I take that and we’ll ring that up for you right away.”

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “Why not, ma’am?”

Customer: “I don’t want to pay for them.”

Manager: “Okay, ma’am. I can return them to the aisle for you.”

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “What?”

Customer: “I still want them, I just don’t wanna pay. Why do you think I didn’t put them down on the move-belt thing? You gotta give them to me for free now, because I had to call you over.”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “I’m taking them.”

Manager: “That’s theft, ma’am.”

Customer: “Fine!” *slams paper towels on conveyor belt*

(She eventually paid, but not before flipping us the bird. How nice for my first day.)

 

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