I Can Thieve Clearly Now

, , , | Right | March 25, 2009

Customer: “I need to bring back these reading glasses. They’re broken.”

Me: “Okay, do you have the receipt for them?”

(The customer hands me a receipt from nine months earlier.)

Me: “This receipt is a little past our thirty-day return policy. May I have a look at the glasses?”

Customer: “Yeah, well, they’re clearly broken, and I never used them, so you need to make an exception for me.”

(I see that the glasses have clearly had the packaging removed and haphazardly put back on. They also have grease marks all over the lenses.)

Me: “Okay, well, I can’t take these back for a number of reasons: They were bought nine months ago, we don’t carry this style anymore, and they have been clearly opened and used.”

Customer: “No, they’re not used! You can’t get that package back on them!”

Me: “It’s tricky, but you can get it back on. I’ve had to re-package them on a few occasions.”

Customer: “NO, YOU CAN’T! I HAD A HARD ENOUGH TIME GETTING THE PACKAGE OFF!”

Me: “…”

(The customer realized what they just said, then turned and sheepishly walked out.)

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An Unsalvageable Lie

, , , | Right | March 23, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this. *hands me a metal, foot-operated garbage bin*

Me: “Sure. I’ll need the receipt, please.”

Customer: “I don’t have it.”

Me: “Okay, is there any reason why you’re returning it?”

Customer: “Yeah, my wife didn’t want it.”

Me: “Did you use it?”

Customer: “No.”

(I open it to find an old dirty sock.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t take this. There’s a dirty sock in there.”

Customer: “That was already in there.”

Me: “…”

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And Her Roots Were Blonde

, , , | Right | March 18, 2009

(I’m working a graveyard shift. It’s 3:00 am and a girl comes in, obviously more than mildly inebriated.)

Customer: “Umm… so, I came in here an hour ago and bought a Pepsi, and I like, took a drink of it just now, there was like, a hair in the Pepsi. Can I get another one for free?”

Me: “Do you mean there was a hair in the bottle when you drank it?”

Customer: “No, um, like, I took a drink, and one of my hairs got in my mouth at the same time, and I guess I bit it off and drank it too, and that was really gross so I like, threw the Pepsi away.”

Me: “So you swallowed your own hair, and you want me to pay for your Pepsi to make up for it?”

Customer: “Exactly! I’m sooooo glad you understand me!”

Me: “Um, no. You’re gonna have to pay, actually.”

Customer: “Aww, I knew that wouldn’t work. I told him that wouldn’t work. He like, told me I was cute enough that you’d give me free stuff, but I knew it wouldn’t work. Oh, well. I’ll pay, I guess!”

(She goes to the cooler and starts tapping on the lids of various bottles with her finger, before deciding on one half-way back on the rack, requiring her to take a dozen bottles off before getting to hers, and coming to the counter with it, leaving the rest on the floor.)

Me: “Um… what were you doing?”

Customer: “Checking for a fresh one! They like, sound different! You work here; you should totally know that! You’re not very good at your job, are you?”

 

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Disease Or Not, You’re Still A Douche

, , , | Right | March 12, 2009

(A customer has just finished placing a rather large and pricey order of several large popcorns loaded with butter, large drinks, and random candies.)

Me: “That’ll come to $55.75, sir.”

Customer: “Oh… I have cancer.”

Me: “Um… I’m sorry.”

Customer: “So, I don’t have to pay, right?”

Me: “No, you still have to pay.”

Customer: “Why? I’m a cancer patient!”

Me: “You’re also trying to walk away with nearly $60 in concession items. I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you because you have cancer.”

Customer: “Oh, come on! What if I told you I had heart disease?”

Me: “I guess I’d have to ask why you’re in such a rush to kill yourself?”

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Smile – You’re On Scam-Cam

, | Right | March 9, 2009

Me: Hi, welcome to [Store]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for fifteen minutes. I want everything here discounted.”

Me: “I left here maybe two minutes ago, max, to check the fitting rooms.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “In short, yes.”

Customer: “Bull! Do you have any proof I wasn’t here earlier?!”

(I point to the huge camera on the ceiling.)

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’ll shut up now.”

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