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Better Than Soylent Green, I Guess

, , | Right | April 19, 2022

I worked for a company that made those seasoning blends you see in foil envelopes at the supermarket, as a hostess and tour guide. Four or more times a day, I took groups through the factory, explaining things. Now and then, I’d get someone in the group who just wanted to argue or who I felt was trying to get me to make a statement they could later use to sue us.

One time, we were stopped at the window to the packaging line, and a woman asked a perfectly ordinary question.

Woman: “How do you keep bugs out of the packages?”

Me: “Great question! See the doorway there?” *Pointing* “There’s a curtain of air blowing across it that bugs can’t fly through. And if one did, those would take care of them.”

I pointed at the giant bug zappers all around the space.

Woman: “What if a bug did get in a package?”

Me: “We test random samples of every batch for contamination.”

Woman: “Well, what if a customer found bugs when they opened a package?”

Me: “They should take the package back to the store for a full refund.”

Woman: “Why do bugs get into spices, anyway?”

Me: “Another great question! Spices are actually very nutritious, and when you’re as small as a bug, an ounce of, say, spaghetti mix is a lifetime feast.”

The rest of the group was losing interest.

Me: “So, if there are no more questions—”

Woman: *Interrupting* “What about at home?”

Me: “Ma’am, our products come in sealed foil packages. There’s no way bugs can get in.”

Woman: “What about if the package has been opened?”

Her tone was a little too eager, and my spidey sense told me she was up to something.

Me: “Ma’am, we’re not responsible for how you store our products after they’ve been opened.”

Woman: *Still in that eager tone* “But what if a bug got in anyway?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I guess you just consider it protein.”

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