(A man walks up to me at the circulation desk.)
Customer: “I need to get on the computer.”
Me: “No problem, sir. May I see your ID?”
Customer: “Where’s your bathroom?”
Me: *pointing* “Right down that hall, second grey door on the left.”
Customer: “You don’t mind if I go there to get my ID out, do you?”
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(The fast food restaurant I work at has a bar right behind and our drive-thru stays open until two am. Like most fast food places, we cannot serve you in the drive-thru if you aren’t in a car.)
Customer #1: *walks up and bangs on the drive-thru window* “Hey!”
Me: “Yes?”
Customer #1: “I want a cheeseburger and some fries. Oh and a shake.”
Customer #2: “And nuggets, don’t forget nuggets!”
Me: “Sir, I can’t serve you unless you are in a car.”
Customer #1: “But I’ve been drinking.”
Me: “I understand, but it’s not safe to have people in the drive-thru when they aren’t in their car.”
Customer #1: “Okay.”
(About twenty minutes later, they pull around very fast, passing the menu. I notice his unfinished beer is sitting between his knees.)
Customer #1: “Okay. I want a cheeseburger–”
Me: “Sir, do you realize that you are now drinking and driving and I can call the police?”
([Customer #1] goes white and starts to drive away.)
Customer #2: *as they pull away* “You forgot my nuggets!”
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(Our snack bar sells typical snack bar-type stuff, like popcorn and pretzels, as well as pizzas. Two clearly foreign women come to the counter and look at the menu for a few moments.)
Me: “What can I get you tonight?”
Customer #1: “You have pizza?”
Me: “Yes, I have a cheese pizza coming out of the oven in just a minute, and a pepperoni ready right now.”
Customer #1: “You have wedgie?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer #2: “You have wedgie deluxe?”
Me: “I don’t think so.”
(I suddenly realize that they’re trying to say ‘Veggie’.)
Me: “No, we don’t. We only have cheese and pepperoni.”
Customer #1: “No wedgie toppings?”
Me: *trying very hard not to crack up laughing* “No, sorry, just cheese and pepperoni.”
(They thank me and walk away. A few moments later, they return and order the cheese pizza.)
Customer #1: “You should get wedgie. I love it.”
(A customer calls asking if we would come and inspect her chimney, as there is ‘an animal’ inside it ‘scratching around.’)
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re not equipped to do that. If you like, I can suggest a local exterminator. Once the animal is gone, we’d be thrilled to come by and find how it’s been getting into your chimney and plug up the hole.”
Caller: “No, you’ve come out here and done this before. A couple times. I know you guys do this.”
Me: “Ma’am, we just don’t have any resources to remove live animals from chimneys.”
Caller: “But, if you come sweep it, won’t the animal come out? Like, when you clean?”
Me: “Well, yes, it may, but, if it comes out, it will be in your living room and it will be very angry and covered in soot.”
Caller: “Oh. What was that other place you mentioned again?”
(I am calling a customer.)
Me: “May I speak to [Customer], please?”
Woman: “He’s not here.”
Me: “This is [My Name], with [Phone Company]. I am calling to remind you that your phone bill was due on the fifth and is in danger of being disconnected. Can you tell me when you will be able to pay it?”
Woman: “How did you get this number? It’s unlisted!”
Me: “Ma’am, this is the phone company. We gave you this phone number.”
