Ridiculousness Is In Full Bloom

, , , | Right | April 11, 2019

(I work for a cleaning service. We get a new client and I’m assigned to clean the house. It’s a gorgeous spring day, so I open all the doors and windows as I’m cleaning and the scent of the garden comes in: lots of jasmine and daphne, as well as many other fragrant flowers. By the time I’m finished, the place smells divine. The client arrives back with several shopping bags just as I’m finishing.)

Client: “Oh, the house looks lovely. But why are all the windows and doors open?”

Me: “Just to give it a good airing out; I’m about to close them.”

Client: “Oh, yes? What’s that smell?”

(I’m nonplussed; has she literally never stopped to smell the flowers in her own garden?)

Me: “That’s the scent of all your lovely jasmine just under these windows here. Glorious, isn’t it?”

Client: “Oh, I don’t like that. Close the windows and use this, instead!”

(She pulled from her shopping bag a can of air freshener… jasmine scented.)

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Please Recycle The Law

, , , , , , | Working | February 8, 2019

It was the mid-1990s and our law office was transitioning from research in books to computer research. With law books now available on CDs, we could free up our office library for useful office space. We went through a room full of books and decided which few books the attorneys wanted to keep and identified the remainder to be recycled. After ascertaining that there were no schools or anyone else who wanted them, we stacked them in a corner and asked the cleaning crew to remove them with the other paper recycling. We understood that it was a big job, which we didn’t expect them to accomplish in one night, but we thought if they would take even just a few books out with them each night, we would eventually have the office space free.

After the first night or two, a few books disappeared, but the rest of the large pile remained there day after day, in spite of the “recycle” tag that reminded the cleaning crew to remove them. After a couple of weeks had gone by and the large pile of books was still there, I added a second note alongside the “recycle” sign. It read, “Please remove these books or we’ll make you read them.” Every book was gone the next morning.

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This Greek Cup Is Definitely Half Full

, , , | Right | January 22, 2019

(I run my own cleaning firm. My cleaner and I are in a client’s house performing his regular clean. The client is not present. My cleaner accidentally breaks a Greek souvenir espresso cup which holds a spoon. Our policy on breakage is that we will replace any items broken. We are also fully insured. I text my client explaining the situation, and I apologise and offer to replace the item. Meanwhile, my cleaner is panicking.)

Me: “Hi, [Client]. I’m afraid that [Cleaner] had a little accident with one your Greek souvenir cups. If you can look up a replacement for it, we will pay for it to be replaced. We apologise for the accident.”

Client: “It’s really not a problem.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Client: “Yeah, I hate that thing!”

(My cleaner had never looked so relieved in her life! Bless her!)

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You Can’t Iron Out The Bad Customers

, , , | Right | January 14, 2019

(My sister runs an ironing business that I help out at on occasion.)

Sister: “You didn’t take any of the ironing home with you the other day, did you?”

Me: “Of course not. Why would I do that?”

Sister: “One of my clients is missing a shirt from their ironing, I’ve searched everywhere and can’t find it. Do you remember doing a [shirt description] on [day]?”

Me: “I didn’t work on that day.”

(My sister spends two weeks looking for customer’s husband’s favourite shirt, asking all of her clients if they have been given a shirt that wasn’t theirs. She loses some clients who think that if she is negligent enough to lose someone else’s clothing, she will lose theirs, as well. The customer hounds her every day, demanding compensation and threatening to take her business elsewhere. One day she walks in with a box of chocolates after she’s made her delivery run.)

Sister: “Look at what [Client] gave me as an apology. She found her husband’s d*** shirt in the f****** drier. I lost customers because of her, and I can’t even tell her to shove her ironing because I can’t afford to.”

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She Cleaned You Out

, , , , | Right | December 11, 2018

I own a professional cleaning company, and I pride myself on my customer service and cleaning services.

An 84-year-old lady got in contact with me, wanting to start a domestic cleaning contract with us.

I went down to her home and provided her with a personalised quote based on her needs and the size of her home. At this point, I warned her that the first clean does take longer, and she agreed.  

We arrived early at the property, on a weekend, and before we started I once again reminded her that the first clean takes longer before settling down to the usual two hours a week. Again, she agreed.

So, we cracked on with the clean, and her home was immaculate when we were done. As predicted, the first clean took four hours to complete, and she had already left out two hours’ worth of payment. I left a note explaining that the clean took a total of four hours, as she had popped out.

I later had a phone call saying that the clean was excellent — much better than her previous cleaners — but she wasn’t going to pay because it was double what it should be. I reminded her on the phone that we had agreed several times that the first clean takes longer and that she had agreed. Her response was to complain that there were two of us there, which again is usual in my type of work, and we had informed her about it in advance.

Moral of the story: not all old ladies are sweet! Now I am out of pocket, as I have to pay wages and products for the four hours… Thanks, love.

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