The Monster Trucks Of Kansas City

, , , , , | Right | July 18, 2020

My parked car is hit hard enough that it has to be towed to a body shop for an insurance estimate; the body shop calls me a few days later.

Manager: “Well, sir, I haven’t even finished with the estimate, but we’re already at over $16,000 in damages. The back end is totally destroyed, your front axle is broken, the transmission is damaged, the— Wait a minute, I just have to ask: are you okay?”

Me: *Laughing* “Oh, yeah. Here’s the deal: do you know Kansas City very well?”

Manager: “Sort of; I live in [Suburb on the southern side] but I’ve managed this shop for about twenty years up here.”

Me: “Okay, so, you know how the neighborhood streets are twenty mph and most people park on the street? I was parked out front of my house, and this lady hit me either fast enough, strong enough, or for enough time to force my car off of the street and into a tree. In the neighbor’s yard. Two houses down.”

Manager: *Now laughing as well* “Wow! I’d actually started my report by wondering how you could damage all those different parts of the vehicle that badly and still walk away from the accident! Pardon my French, but in my professional opinion, that lady f***ed up royally!

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Boris Can See Through You

, , , , , | Right | May 12, 2020

The mall is located right next to the airport, so we tend to get a lot of foreigners. Two customers enter the store.

Me: “Hello, is there anything I can—”

Customer: *With a thick accent* “We do not speak English; we are Russian.”

Me: “Добрый вечер.”

Customer: *Drops accent* “Okay, we aren’t Russian.”

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Her Complaints Fall Flat  

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2020

(I know this couple is going to be a handful from the moment they sit down… at a dirty table, not the one the host was leading them toward. They glare at me as I wipe it down and quickly get them silverware and menus, as if it’s my fault they were seated there.)

Me: *quickly goes through menu spiel and offers drinks*

Demanding Lady: “I want a [Soda]. And make sure it’s not flat! I hate flat sodas.”

Me: “Sure thing.” *returns quickly with sodas*

Demanding Lady: *without tasting even a sip of her drink, holds it up to the light and glares at it* “This [soda] is flat! I told you I hate flat drinks! Go get this fixed!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am. I don’t know if we can adjust that here, but I’ll see what we can do.”

(I hurry away to find our manager, who tells me — as I knew — that the soda machine can’t be adjusted by us. The manager also tastes the soda and assures me that it’s fine. I also taste it and it’s not flat at all. I run a new glass with more ice in it and rush it out so it’s still fizzing when I put it on the table.)

Demanding Lady: *false sickly sweetness* “Well, lo and behold, you could do something about it. This is much better.”

Me: *still smiling* “I’m glad it’s good, ma’am.”

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Good Thing The Players Were Smarter Than Their Fans

, , , , , | Learning | February 12, 2020

(It’s the Friday before our local pro football team is going to play in The Big Game, and most students at the school where I teach are wearing team gear. One student comes into the classroom with the star quarterback’s jersey on, but has it on backward.)

Teacher: “Dude, [Student], your shirt’s on backward.”

Student: “Huh?”

Teacher: “Your shirt. It’s supposed to say [Player] on the back, not the front.”

Student: “Oh.”

Teacher: “If you want to go ahead and turn it around right here, you can; I won’t judge.”

Student: *spins on his heels and does a 360*

Teacher: “Never mind; go sit down.”

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Those Prices Are Barking Mad

, , , , , , , | Working | October 18, 2019

(I am traveling to visit family for a belated holiday as we were spread across the country during the actual holidays. Due to unexpected difficulties, I find myself traveling with five companions, so I choose to take a plane rather than drive across the country. I book online so I can read all requirements fully, as this is my first time flying, let alone with every member of my household. I am incredibly nervous so, per directions on the form, I fill in everyone’s names exactly how their paperwork displays it. This is the rather amusing discussion that takes place when checking in.)

Me: “Hi. I need to check in for my flight to [Location]. Is it still scheduled to leave on time?”

Booking Agent: “As of right now it is, but there is some expected weather so listen to the announcements just in case. Can I get your reservation, please?”

(I hand her my paperwork and wait as she pulls it up, frowns at the screen, does a lot of typing and clicking, frowns some more, and then prints out the tickets.)

Booking Agent: *folding multiple tickets together* “That will be [price eight times the amount I had been quoted online]. Do you want that charged to the payment method you arranged?”

Me: “Wait! What? No, I was quoted [price] online; how did it go up so much?! I don’t have that kind of spare cash on that card, anyway!”

(I am freaking out inside and scared I will miss the get-together as I had not planned over $8,000 just for the flights, let alone hotels and everything else.)

Booking Agent: “You booked tickets for [My Name], L. Milo Hamilton, Walter E. Disney, Ernest T. Bass, Bertram T. Cates, and Fredrick II, correct?”

Me: “Yes, myself and five companions. That is what I believe your website describes them as, anyway.”

Booking Agent: “Well, clearly, there was a mistake while you were booking your tickets; you booked one flight for one person with five animals. You need six tickets as you are six people.”

Me: *looking at the agent, absolutely bewildered* “Ma’am, do you really believe I am flying with five people named after: a famous — and now deceased — sports announcer, the father of Mickey Mouse, two fictional characters from the early 1960s, and what is widely proclaimed to be the last king of Austria? I think you need to reconsider that. Otherwise, I will soon be the richest person alive, as I have either created time-travel or mastered cloning.”

Booking Agent: “People name their kids random names all the time.”

Me: “Please, take a moment and look at the paperwork I handed you. It has proof that those five ‘people’ are actually two cats, a ten-pound dog, and two sixty-pound dogs.”

Booking Agent: *looks at paperwork for the first time, pauses, eyes widen, lots of typing and then the sound of a shredder* “Your price is [price I was originally quoted] and it will be charged to your form of payment set up online. Please take your pets to the agent beside the gate for boarding.”

(I headed off to the sound of lots of suppressed giggling from the line behind me and a wave of relief at the enormous price being dropped to what I had budgeted for.)

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