Me: “Thank you for calling [Security Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, my keypad keeps beeping! It won’t stop. Why is it doing that?!”

Me: “It’s probably trying to tell you there’s something going on with the system. Press the status button for me.”

(The caller pushes the button, and it announces the issue. Her front door has a low battery in it.)

Me: “Well, ma’am. It appears that your front door has a low battery.”

Caller: “But what does that mean?! I don’t understand!”

Me: “It means that the battery in the sensor on your door needs a new battery in it.”

Caller: “I don’t get it. I’m not that technically inclined! You need to explain things better!”

(This goes on for several minutes. I explain what the sensor is, what the problem is, and describe the battery. The customer is continually saying she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. Finally we reach an understanding.)

Me: “Ma’am, you see the little thingy that’s stuck on your door? Inside is a little doo-dad that they sell at the store, and you need a new one. Open up the thingy and take out the doo-dad. Go to the store, give it to the clerk and he’ll get you a new doo-dad to put in the thingy.”

Caller: “Oh! Why didn’t you just say so?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [security services].”

Customer: “My keypad keeps beeping and saying low battery. What does that mean?”

(I run through some basic troubleshooting. After about ten minutes, we still can’t find the problem.)

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not exactly sure why your system is doing this. I’ll be happy to send a technician out there for you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. By the way, my keypad seems to be on fire. Is that a bad thing?”

Me: “Yes, sir. That is really bad. Do you want me to call the fire department?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t think that’s necessary, do you?”

Me: “Well, the fire may spread up the wall if it doesn’t get put out. I’d recommend spraying it with a fire extinguisher if you don’t want the fire department to come out.”

Customer: “I can’t do that!”

Me: “Why not? Do you not have a fire extinguisher?”

Customer: “No, I do! But I don’t want to be liable for damaging the alarm system by putting out the fire!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to just hang up now and call the fire department. I’d really recommend you go outside and wait for them.”

Customer: “You know, I don’t understand why you think this is such a big deal, young lady!”

(A customer comes in and is looking at our Hanukkah stuff for dogs.)

Customer: “How cute! Hanukkah stuff for dogs.”

Me: “We also have Hanukkah collars.”

Customer: “How do you know if your dog is Jewish?”

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