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You Donut Know What I Have Been Going Through Today

, , , , , | Right | May 1, 2019

(The gym where I’m employed has a monthly fee and a smaller fee that’s automatically charged on the same day once a year. This fee is to help cover maintenance, new equipment, paint and tile upgrades, parking lot resurfacing, etc. I work at the front desk and, as this is my first year, this is my first time fielding questions regarding this charge. I have been dealing with dozens of phone calls and walk-ins from angry members for the past week when a regular member comes in carrying a box of donuts.)

Member: “I saw that you all charged me a fee on top of my regular monthly fee last week.”

Me: *preparing for the worst* “Yes, ma’am, if you still have a copy of your contract, you’ll see—“

Member: “Oh, I know. I read my contract after seeing the charge and found where it says you all need a yearly enhancement fee. I bet you’ve had to explain it to many angry people.”

Me: “You have no idea!”

Member: “Well, I was almost one of them until I read my contract again. I can only imagine what you all up front have had to go through with this. I thought these donuts might brighten your day, as well as that of the rest of the front desk crew.”

Me: “Wow! Thank you so much!”

Member: “No worries. Don’t let the bad ones get you down!”

(My faith in humanity and my club’s members was pretty much restored after that!)

It’s Not Even Just A Game To Them

, , , , , , , , | Right | April 12, 2019

I don’t have cable, and my favorite football team is playing their biggest rival on a Monday night, on cable. I go to my favorite sports bar which is down the block from our city’s downtown arena, where a big nu-metal concert is going on.

The bar is empty except for me, and in the third quarter a group of two older couples obviously coming from or going to the concert come in. They load the digital jukebox with nu-metal songs. The football commentary disappears and Disturbed songs take over.

The bartender, as invested in the game as I am — it’s an extremely close and hotly contested game, as games between these two teams tend to be — switches the audio feed back and offers the couples refunds.

For the remainder of the game, all four take up seats a foot behind me and loudly and vociferously decide they are adamant fans of my team’s rival. They’re not doing anything technically wrong that the bartender can kick them out for, but they’re being total jerks, including surrounding me to shout cheers for my team losing on a last-second field goal.

After I close out my tab, the bartender takes my pint glass, refills it to the brim, and leans in and says, “Kill that; don’t kill them,” and lets me keep the souvenir pint glass advertising my favorite seasonal beer.

Didn’t make the loss any better, but it helped deal with a group of real-life trolls.

Thinks He’s In Charge (Port)

, , , , | Right | March 27, 2019

(I work at an electronics repair shop — a highly-regarded one that deals with some pretty advanced repairs. A customer has a tablet that he keeps breaking the charge port on. He has broken it repeatedly and this is our fourth time fixing it. He has left the tablet with another tech for us to order the part. As soon as it arrives, I have it installed and call the guy. The wholesale cost of the part is $18, so we do have a tangible minimum cost to maintain.)

Me: “Hey, [Customer], this is [My Name] at [Shop]. I’ve got your tablet here. It’s all put together, fully charged, and working perfectly. You can—“

(I’m updating the work order and see the dates. He had picked it up three days before he dropped it back off again. It was an easy fix, and repeat customers and word of mouth are invaluable in this field.)

Me: “—oh, wow. You were just here. Let me drop that $20 labour charge for you real quick… And that totals out to $21.70 after tax now.”

Customer: “I’m not f****** paying that. You people gave me a bad part! All I did was plug it in once and it didn’t work! You’re going to warranty this, a**hole!”

(If he had worded this like a decent person, he could have easily gotten it for half of our cost. We don’t bend to abusive customers.)

Me: “The plug looks like the cable was put in upside down. The warranty covers defects in the parts and workmanship. If it didn’t work and was in good physical condition, it would definitely be under warranty, but this is physical damage. I’m already pulling the labour cost as a show of good faith.”

Customer: “No! You put some kind of ching-chong China part from some ‘tee-uh-wani’ place! Just admit it! I want an American-made part this time!”

Me: “It’s an original equipment manufacturer Samsung part. It’s all made in Taiwan, Korea, and Vietnam. You’re already getting the repair at half of what you agreed on when you dropped it off. I’m not charging you extra or anything like that.”

Customer: “F*** you! Who’s the manager there?”

Me: *fire and joyful demons cackling fill the background of the shop as I say my favourite words* “I am the manager.”

Customer: “Who else is there, then? Who’s in charge?”

Me: “I’m in charge here. I’ve got my assistant manager here.”

Customer: *now huffing in anger, effectively, over saving $20* “Yeah, well, we’ll see about that. When I get there, I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S IN CHARGE!” *hangs up*

(Ten or fifteen minutes go by. I spend the time updating the notes with the interaction, make paper copies of everything we did, and dig out the old part to show him. I mention to my other tech that I think this guy might be the type to do something violent.)

Customer: *storms in the front door* “Are you [My Name]?! You think you’re tough? Want to say it to my face that I broke that f****** thing?”

(I’m not the stereotypical nerd. I deadlift three times my body weight, bench almost double, and keep my core and reflexes tight by trail riding dirt bikes. I look like a meathead, until I open my mouth and start talking about how cool it is that we’re at twelve-nanometer silicon microprocessors already. This guy is the peaked-in-high-school, overweight forty-something who tries to dress like a Harley biker, but doesn’t ride.)

Me: “Yeah, I’ve got the old part here. You can see how it’s stretched out on the bottom from the wider top edge of the plug being put in upside down.”

Customer: *leaning across the counter, trying to intimidate me* “That doesn’t prove anything.” *smacks part out of my hand* “You faked that. Or it was like that when I got it.”

(Around this time, one of our regulars comes in — a sweet old lady who usually just needs basic tech support. She’s a time waster, but always nice. This is also the point when I stop being polite. As soon as he smacks that part out of my hand, I decide he is going to pay for his repair and be blacklisted.)

Me: “No, we did not. That’s the exact condition it was in when it came in here. It got like that after you broke it, again. And it takes a lot of nerve to come in here and make that claim when this is your fourth repair for this exact problem.”

Customer: “What did you say to me? Give me a refund, now! All those parts broke, too, and you’re going to pay for it now!”

Me: *quite firmly, hitting the sale button on the register* “The total is $21.70 after tax.”

Customer: “You know what?” *grabs the tablet off the counter, walks halfway across the room, and turns back* “Sue me.”

Me: “Oh, we will.”

(I point to one of the security cameras that got a clear shot of his face, and then I read off his license plate number out loud and write it down. He sort of runs out of the door.)

Old Lady: *in the most stereotypical, sweet, old lady voice* “Well, that man was just a f****** c***, wasn’t he? I had my hand on my pepper spray the whole time. You say the word and I’ll run out there and get him while his window is down.”

(The poor assistant manager is a pacifist and is shaking from how stressed even listening to the whole thing made him. The owner comes by after being called and filled in. Shortly after he gets there, we get a call from corporate saying they’ve got an angry man on the phone demanding I be fired.)

Owner: “Oh, you’ve got him on the phone? Great. Let him know I haven’t finished filling out the police report just yet, so if he wants to be an adult he can call me and we can settle this.”

(The customer calls back a few minutes later and screams at the owner. I can’t hear the whole conversation, but at one point I hear the owner say, “Yeah. And if you’d talked to me like that you’d have got a h*** of a lot more than rude. I went back to jail for less than that.” The customer hangs up. Maybe three minutes later, he calls back. This time he is put on speaker phone.)

Customer: “My lawyer just advised me to pay you. Do you want a credit card over the phone?”

Owner: “Lawyer, huh? That’s pretty cool your wife is a lawyer. Yeah, a credit card will work.”

(He paid, contested the payment, lost the claim, and took a hit off his credit score, plus the fee. He called back weeks later threatening to protest the store. Over $20. Pepper Spray Grandma never paid full price again.)

Your Complaints Are Weightless

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2019

(I am working at a popular amusement park. We have this one big roller coaster that has lots of big hills designed to make the rider feel weightless. After riding this roller coaster with his daughter, an elderly man comes up to me.)

Me: “Hello! How was your ride on [Roller Coaster]?”

Guest: “Horrible, actually!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What can we do better?”

Guest: “Tear down the [Roller Coaster]!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Guest: “It needs to be torn down because it is super unsafe!”

Me: “We have licensed inspectors from the State of Missouri inspect each of our rides every month, and we inspect our rides daily.”

Guest: “You need better inspectors, then!”

Me: “And why is that?”

Guest: “Because my daughter and I almost flew out of the ride!”

(By this point, the daughter, who is about fifteen, is walking down the exit line.)

Daughter: “Come on, Dad! Let’s go.”

Guest: “Hold on! I’m talking to this little s*** over here.”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Guest: “What the f*** is it?!”

Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave the ride.”

Guest: “No! I want to speak to your manager.”

Me: “I’ll go get him. Please wait here to the side of the loading platform of the roller coaster.”

(A conversation goes on between the man and his daughter. The other two ride operators are busy loading the next group of riders into the roller coaster. I take a notepad and a pen from the ride operator’s backpack and go back to the angry guest.)

Me: “I just called the manager.” *I really didn’t* “He wants me to write down some information for you to file a complaint.”

Guest: “I have a complaint to file, all right!”

Me: “What is your name?”

Guest: “[Guest].”

Me: “And what is it you wanted to file a complaint about?”

Guest: “The [Roller Coaster] is super dangerous and needs to be torn down.”

Me: “I can assure you that all of our rides here at [Amusement Park] are completely safe. But why do you feel that [Roller Coaster] violated our policy?”

Guest: “I almost flew out of my seat during that big hill!”

Me: “You know it is supposed to make you feel like that, right? They’re called ‘airtime hills’ and they are designed to make the rider feel weightless.”

Guest: “Wait. What?”

Me: “The [Roller Coaster] has specially designed hills, called ‘airtime hills.’ They are designed to make the rider feel like they are ‘floating’ out of their seat. Each seat is equipped with both seat belts and lap bar restraints, and we have never had a malfunction with the [Roller Coaster]’s restraint systems.”

Guest: “Oh. So… it is supposed to be like that?”

Me: “Yes. The manufacturer of [Roller Coaster] built the track layout specifically for that purpose.”

Guest: “Oh, s***. My bad. I didn’t know. I thought that it was unsafe. I don’t like that ‘floating’ feeling.”

Me: “It’s okay. It is actually a pretty common complaint us ride operators get.”

Guest: “Oh. Thanks for understanding. Can you tell us any rides that don’t have that scary ‘floating’ feeling?”

(I look around the ride platform because you can see some of the other rides from there.)

Me: “I can recommend the [Ride]. It is pretty calm and gentle in nature.”

Guest: “What does it do?”

Me: “It is a river raft ride where you float around the river in small boats.”

Guest: “Okay. And it completely safe?”

Me: “One hundred percent.”

Guest: “Okay.”

(He then walked off with his daughter. Some people are just super dumb.)

This story is part of our Roller-Coasters roundup!

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Does Not Register All The Registers

, , , , , | Right | January 30, 2019

(I am working at a baby store that is closing our location, but keeping all other stores open. Because of this, ALL registers are open, with our best cashiers ringing and others bagging, and we still have more than 20 people in each line. It has been a long day, with many stupid people, but this one will forever stick in my mind.)

Me: “Good afternoon! Thanks for waiting. Did you find what you needed?”

Customer: “You know, you should really have more registers open!”

(All I could do was stare blankly at her… Seriously, are you blind?!)