Our family had planned a trip to see family in another state. Unfortunately, my husband had to work so he couldn’t go with us after all.

I was telling a friend in that state that we would have to cancel the trip. Unexpectedly, her husband — a high school friend of mine — volunteered to pick up my sons and me if my husband could drive us halfway there.

We made the switch. My friend and I were chatting as we neared an exit. My middle son asked if we could stop for a bathroom break. We did. As we were getting drinks, my friend whispered, “He’s asked to stop at almost every exit. Is he marking his territory?”

I work in the shoe section of a department store that’s closing down. I’m in a sea of red “Store Closing” signs behind the register, ticketing prices on shoes, when a lady comes up and throws her receipt and a box of shoes hard onto my counter.

Customer: *Annoyed tone* “I want to return these; I don’t want them anymore.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m sorry, but I can’t return these due to the store closing.”

Customer: “What do you mean, your store is closing!? Why did no one tell me when I got them?! You people should put up a sign, for God’s sake!”

I was in shock from the amount of stupidity I had just been exposed to, and I glanced at the thousands of signs posted around. I gestured to the one on the counter, which said in big, bold letters, “NO RETURNS/EXCHANGES.”

The customer looked at the sign, let out a big huff, grabbed the shoebox, and stormed out without her receipt. I glanced at the receipt, curious as to when she got them. Know what the bottom said?

“DUE TO CLOSURES: ALL SALES FINAL!”

This happened back in the late 1970s. My family had a TV in the living room. This was back when TVs were analog, with lots of mechanical switches and dials to control the channel, volume, and, most importantly for this story, the picture.

This particular TV had “Hue” and “Color” sliders. The mechanism in one of them was either dirty or faulty and the color would randomly go out. We found out pretty quickly that tapping the TV on the top would vibrate the slider enough that the color would come back. And soon after that, we found that stomping our feet on the floor had the same effect, but we didn’t need to leave the comfort of our seats.

One evening, a friend of my brother’s stopped by to pick him up. As he was standing in the living room making small talk with me, my mom, my dad, and my sister, the color on the TV went out. Cue a few seconds of furious stomping of feet by everyone before the conversation returned to normal.

The friend later asked my brother why his family suddenly started stomping their feet during the small talk. After my brother stopped laughing, he explained that it wasn’t personal; that’s just how we fix the TV.

I live in a small town. I recently enjoyed some sake at a hibachi steak house. I stop by the local liquor store to purchase some for home consumption. I look around the store but can’t find sake. I approach the cashier. Let’s call him “Pete.”

Me: “Do you have any sake?”

Pete: “Any what?”

Me: “Sake.”

Pete: “Hmm… over here.”

He takes me over to the import beers and points to a six-pack of Dos Equis.

Me: “No, sake. Japanese rice wine.”

Pete walks us back to the counter and gets the manager out of the back room.

Pete: “Do we have sake?”

Manager: “Yeah, it’s over in the corner.”

Pete walks us to a corner of the store that looks seldom traveled. I get the feeling this is where purchasing mistakes and forgotten special orders go to die.

Pete: *Points.* “This?”

I grab a bottle of sake and blow a few years’ worth of dust off it.

Me: “Yeah, that’s it. Thanks!”

I miss that small town and that liquor store.

I take three years of French in school before switching to Spanish. I am in eleventh grade and am in Spanish 1. We have just started learning past tense and the teacher wants the students to share something about their weekend. When she gets to me, I want to say something about celebrating my grandfather’s birthday.

Me: “Yo comi un gateau!”

Several Students: “You ate a what?!”

Teacher: “I didn’t think that was legal in this country…”

For those who don’t know, “gateau” is French for “cake.” It sounds similar to “gato,” which in Spanish means “cat”! So, yeah, I told my class I ate a cat. No, they did not let me forget it, even though I corrected myself right after.