Me: “Hey, sir, what brings you in today?”
Customer: “Sir, I need help booking airline tickets.”
Me: “Airline tickets?”
Customer: “Yes, I need to book a flight.”
Me: “Sir, this is a cell phone store. We can help you with your phone, but we cannot book airline tickets.”
(The next day the customer comes back.)
Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Welcome back.”
Customer: “Sir, how do I send this resumé?”
Me: “…”
(The office building I work security for has an attached parking deck with multiple driveways. Security is required to check on the deck via both foot patrol and cameras. I come on duty to find this happening:)
Me: “Where’s [Supervisor #1]?”
Coworker #1: “He’s out at the parking deck.”
Coworker #2: “Yeah, and [Supervisor #2] is helping him.”
Me: “Why?”
Them: “Take a look at the camera footage.”
Me: “Okay.”
(I pull the video up from the last few minutes. I see a guy walk up one of the ramps, clearly trespassing. Then, he looks around.)
Me: “So, they went to chase this guy off?”
Coworker #1: “It gets better. Keep watching.”
(I do, and the next thing I see is the guy lowering his pants to take a massive dump on the driveway. He then pulls his pants up and walks away.)
Coworker #2: “[My Name], you should probably radio them to see if they need backup. That happened just before you got here, and [Supervisor #1] and [Supervisor #2] are trying to see where he went, because the cops are on the way. Oh, and the cleaning crew needs a call.”
(One of the girls in my research lab, [Labmate #1], moved from Iraq to the US when she was twelve, and although her English is excellent, she’ll occasionally still need an explanation of more obscure phrases and idioms. One weekend she agrees to take care of the lab mice, usually my job, so that I can go visit my family. I bake her a batch of cookies to thank her. When I come in, she’s working with the microscope, and [Labmate #2]’s girlfriend is hanging around waiting for [Labmate #2] to show up.)
Me: “Hey, [Labmate #1]! Thanks for taking care of the mice! I made you snickerdoodles as a thank-you.”
Labmate #1: “Oh, thanks.”
(She takes the plate but makes the, “I don’t know that word and I don’t want to ask,” face, so I explain.)
Me: “Snickerdoodles are basically sugar cookies with cinnamon. I added extra cinnamon, since I know that’s your favorite.”
Labmate #1: “Ooh, thanks!”
(Her eyes light up, and she happily rips the foil off the plate and takes a huge bite out of a cookie.)
Girlfriend: “Excuse me?!”
(I turn around to see [Labmate #2]’s girlfriend glaring at me.)
Me: “What?”
Girlfriend: “How dare you assume that just because she wasn’t born here, she doesn’t know English! That’s so racist of you!”
Labmate #1: *on her third cookie* “Dude, chill. English is my third language, and there’s still some words I don’t know.”
Girlfriend: “But she shouldn’t have assumed you didn’t know! That’s so rude!”
Labmate #1: “But I didn’t know.” *to me* “Was I making the face?”
Me: “You were totally making the face.”
Labmate #1: “There you go. Now I know what these are, and I have cookies.” *goes back to eating*
Girlfriend: “You should have waited for her to ask!”
Labmate #1: “Will you chill out? It might be different for different people, but for us, this is not a big deal. If you keep making a fuss, I’m not sharing my cookies with you.”
Me: “Are you sure you’re sharing at all? You’re a dozen cookies in already.”
Labmate #1: *taking another cookie* “Yeah, I’m probably not sharing. So, do you want me to take care of the mice this weekend, as well? I will totally mouse-sit for more cookies!”
(I had to laugh, and the girlfriend huffed and left. When we told [Labmate #2] later, she rolled her eyes. That relationship didn’t last long.)
(I am out shopping at my neighborhood’s local grocery store and am in line to check out. When I am up to pay for everything, the manager is walking by and starts reprimanding the employee because of their pants.)
Manager: “No jeans; that’s the rules.”
(Yes, he phrases it like that.)
Employee: “They’re not jeans; they’re slacks.”
Manager: “They have pockets; therefore, they’re jeans.”
(Normally, I keep my mouth shut, but this manager’s stupidity is too good to be true, so I speak up.)
Me: “What you expect your employees to wear: leggings or sweatpants?”
Manager: “Those are against dress code, too.”
Me: “And I guess you’re out of dress code, too, since your pants have pockets.”
Manager: “No, they’re slacks.”
Me: “But according to you, any pants with pockets are automatically jeans; therefore, you are wearing jeans, and are also out of dress code.”
(The look of defeat on his face was priceless. He apologized to the employee and walked away. I went back there a couple weeks later to see the employee still had his job, but the manager was fired because of all the complaints he had against him from the way he treated employees.)
(As a general, one of my duties is to return items that customers no longer want at checkout to their proper places throughout the store. I have a cart full of such items and am working on returning it all. Halfway done, I am stopped by a customer who needs assistance.)
Customer: “Excuse me. Do you know where the olives are?”
Me: “Sure thing!”
(I lead him to the aisle with the olives, returning a can of olives in my cart to its proper place on the shelf. As I am about to leave, the customer stops me again.)
Customer: “Excuse me, but you don’t seem to have any of the olives I want.”
Me: “What kind of olives do you want?”
Customer: “I want the olives without the pits.”
Me: *pointing to jars on the shelf* “These do not have pits in them. They are actually filled with—”
Customer: “I want the ones without the holes.”
Me: “Okay…” *I point out other jars to him* “These ones do not have holes in them.”
Customer: “But those have pits in them.”
Me: “So you want olives without the pits, but without the holes.”
Customer: “Yes.”
(After standing there with him in frustrated and confused silence for another minute, I directed him to the olive bar upstairs so he could choose whichever olives he desired. As soon as he started to leave, I bolted out of the aisle with my shopping cart, hoping to avoid him until he left the store.)
