(This is just after the first Twilight movie has come out on DVD. A good friend of my husband’s and mine has just gotten married.)

Friend: “Oh, so, [Friend’s Wife] is kind of obsessed with Twilight lately.”

Me: “…”

Friend: “Not like that! She loves making fun of it. She read all the books because she loves laughing at terrible books, and she really wants you guys to come over and watch the movie with us.”

My Husband: “I’m not sure I want to watch that.”

Friend: “C’mon, it’ll be fun! We’ll just make fun of it. You can come over at eight, and [Friend’s Wife] promised to have the baby fed and in bed by then, so it’s just adults like old times!”

(My husband and I agree; since the baby, we never get to see our old friend. The day rolls around, and we get to our friend’s house. Lights are off, and nobody answers the doorbell. We try calling his cell phone to no answer.)

Me: “I hope everything’s okay…”

My Husband: “Let’s wait until we can at least get him on the phone to make sure they’re okay.”

(Twenty minutes later, [Friend] and [Friend’s Wife] pull up in their car and pile out, laughing, holding a crying and very awake baby.)

Friend’s Wife: “Oh, hi guys! We were out to dinner with some friends, and I told them we were going to watch Twilight tonight, and we were having so much fun mocking the books we didn’t want to leave!”

Me: “Oh, okay. So the little one is probably ready for bed, then?”

Friend’s Wife: “Oh, no, she hasn’t had dinner or her bath, yet. We didn’t have time.”

(We all troop into the house and wait another half-hour at the kitchen table. Finally, [Friend] comes and ushers us into the living room with the movie and puts it in. Soon, [Friend’s Wife] follows… holding the crying baby.)

Friend’s Wife: “I still haven’t fed her yet, and then she’s off to bed!”

(Our friend’s wife then sits down in the only chair in the room… besides the one that [Friend] is sitting in. My husband and I sit on a strange bench that they have in the back of the room, since the floor looks pretty icky.)

Friend’s Wife: “Should we tell them that’s where we change the baby’s diaper?” *laughs as we jump up* “Yeah, the floor is always dirty so we can’t change her down there.”

(Not sure what to do now, we slowly sit on the floor. [Friend] and his wife in their recliners are directly in front of the television, at just enough of an angle so that we can’t look at the screen without watching [Friend’s Wife] breastfeeding — topless — a baby who does NOT want her dinner. When the movie is finally over, [Friend’s Wife] sees us to the door, baby in hand, with this parting gem:)

Friend’s Wife: “You guys were awfully quiet tonight! I just don’t understand people who are uncomfortable around babies. You need to get over it.”

(We still don’t see them much.)

(The following unfolds over several years of my family trying to “organize” Christmas. Three aunts have somehow become the ones who lead the “vote” with all the aunts and uncles on how to plan things, a vote which somehow usually happens after my parents — who live four hours away — have had to leave. One year:)

Aunt #1: “So, I don’t want to do the ‘draw a name from a hat’ exchange this year. It’s not fair!”

Aunt #2: “Why? Everyone buys one gift under $20. You don’t have to draw a name if you don’t put yours in. The kids have a separate name draw, and your son is an adult so you don’t have to buy for any kids, anyway.”

Aunt #1: “Because my son and his wife are poor, and with the new baby, everyone gave them extra presents last year and they felt bad! They can’t buy presents for everyone in return, so people shouldn’t give them anything!”

Aunt #3: “But… those were because it’s the first baby in ten years and we wanted to spoil her. They don’t have to buy anything in return.”

Aunt #1: “It made them feel bad. It was rude. If everyone wants to give them presents, everyone should give everybody else presents. But not so expensive…”

(Which is how the next year we ended up with a system where every family member had to buy EVERYONE a gift, under $5. Since it’s a big family, that put each of us — kids included — on the hook for over $50. And we each ended up with piles of cheap junk nobody wanted. The next year:)

Aunt #1: “We need to figure out something better for Christmas. My son can’t afford to buy gifts for everyone again!”

Aunt #2: “Why don’t we go back to the old system? If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t have to participate. Then he won’t have to buy anything!”

Aunt #1: “NO. That would make him look cheap! I have a better idea…”

(The next year, the adults don’t exchange names, but instead pick a child’s name from the hat. Since there are more kids than adults, some adults are randomly picked to have to buy for multiple kids. [Aunt #1]’s son gets stuck buying three gifts for other kids while only getting one for his own daughter. The next year:)

Aunt #1: “Christmas was so unfair! My son was so upset that he had to buy three toys and only got one back. He couldn’t afford to get anything for his own daughter!”

Aunt #3: “We would all love to buy things for her! She’s still the only little one and I love shopping for little girl clothes and toys.”

Aunt #1: “NO, that makes them feel like you’re saying they can’t afford nice things and aren’t raising her right! We just need to limit who is in the gift exchange more so there aren’t as many kids to buy for.”

Aunt #2: “How? We could put the age cut-off at 18, or high school graduation.”

Aunt #1: “I’ve been thinking about this, and I have a plan…”

(I live far away, and my parents later told me that the aunts had decreed that only kids would exchange names, with each other, so every family would only buy as many gifts as they get. But they limited the pool of kids by decreeing that anyone not in school was not allowed to exchange presents. As the only one of the “kids” who had just finished college — I know, pretty old, but I was the oldest of that generation of grandchildren — that only cut me out. I was sad to be excluded, but figured it was fair, as my next youngest cousin was only a year behind and soon we would both be out. But no, [Aunt #1] decreed that since she was thinking of going to grad school, she would still be in the exchange until she graduated again. She went to nursing school for six years, so was allowed in the “kids” exchange until she was 28. The next cousin after her was taking a class through the community college, so he got to stay in, too. For seven years, I was the only one of the grandchildren not allowed in the “kids” drawing. And [Aunt #1]’s son continued to get piles of presents every year from then on for his daughter, since he complained constantly and loudly about not being able to afford anything for her. And that’s the story about how I got voted out of Christmas because my adult male cousin felt bad that his daughter was getting too many presents.)

(There is some really thick fog this night, and I just finished carrying out an order for a customer to their car. I come back in, and a coworker friend from another department is in my department looking around. I walk over, and we go to lunch a few minutes later.)

Coworker: “What were you outside for, by the way?”

Me: “Oh, just bringing out an order to a customer. It was small, so I didn’t mind.”

Coworker: “How bad is the fog out there?”

Me: “It’s like Silent Hill kind of thick, again.”

Coworker: “When it’s thick like that, I try to catch it, but I always mist.”

(I dropped my spoon, and my coworker friend and I burst out laughing. We will both always laugh at even the worst of jokes and puns, and I hadn’t heard that one in a while. When we both walked out that night, we were trying to catch the fog like children, but always mist.)

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(I am a bisexual female, and one of my guy friends knows this. He also isn’t exactly the brightest bulb. Right now he’s discussing the “bro code,” and how in his mind it applies to me, too, since I can develop crushes on girls.)

Friend: “So, do you like anyone right now?”

Me: “I do have a crush on [Girl], but I’m pretty sure it’s unrequited because I think she’s straight, and she’s engaged to [Girl’s Fiancé]. I’m okay with that, though, because I also want to be friends with her.”

Friend: “So, bro code says I can’t hit on her.”

Me: *wondering if he even heard half of what I said* “I don’t think bro code is the reason you shouldn’t hit on her. Remember, she has a fiancé.”

Friend: “But I can’t hit on her because you like her.”

Me: *giving in* “Fine, yes. Don’t hit on her because of bro code. It would be rude to me.”

(I don’t think he ever figured out that bro code played no factor in this situation, but on the plus side, I think he also never figured out who [Girl] was, so I doubt her fiancé ever had to worry about me apparently having more “claim” over his future wife’s potential suitors than he did.)

(I work in a well-known retail store. This particular night, I am overseeing seven departments, checking out customers at my register, and answering the phone. I’m in the middle of finishing a transaction with a couple and miss a phone call. After they leave, the phone rings again. I answer it on the first ring.)

Me: “Thank you for calling your [Location] [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: *very sarcastically* “I know you must be very busy for 11:30 pm on a Wednesday, but this is the second time I’ve called. You couldn’t bother to answer the phone the first time?!”

Me: *as politely as possible* “Sir, I am so very sorry it took so long for me to answer the phone; we are very short-staffed tonight, and I was with a customer.”

Customer: “That’s no excuse!”

Me: “Sir, I really am very sorry. I am in charge of helping customers in seven departments, running a register, and answering the phone.”

Customer: “Oh, you guys really get that busy at night?”

Me: “Yes.”

(The rest of the phone call was him trying to find an item on our online store that he had asked to be set aside for him… for twenty minutes.)