Stop Being A Baby

(This is just after the first Twilight movie has come out on DVD. A good friend of my husband’s and mine has just gotten married.)

Friend: “Oh, so, [Friend’s Wife] is kind of obsessed with Twilight lately.”

Me: “…”

Friend: “Not like that! She loves making fun of it. She read all the books because she loves laughing at terrible books, and she really wants you guys to come over and watch the movie with us.”

My Husband: “I’m not sure I want to watch that.”

Friend: “C’mon, it’ll be fun! We’ll just make fun of it. You can come over at eight, and [Friend’s Wife] promised to have the baby fed and in bed by then, so it’s just adults like old times!”

(My husband and I agree; since the baby, we never get to see our old friend. The day rolls around, and we get to our friend’s house. Lights are off, and nobody answers the doorbell. We try calling his cell phone to no answer.)

Me: “I hope everything’s okay…”

My Husband: “Let’s wait until we can at least get him on the phone to make sure they’re okay.”

(Twenty minutes later, [Friend] and [Friend’s Wife] pull up in their car and pile out, laughing, holding a crying and very awake baby.)

Friend’s Wife: “Oh, hi guys! We were out to dinner with some friends, and I told them we were going to watch Twilight tonight, and we were having so much fun mocking the books we didn’t want to leave!”

Me: “Oh, okay. So the little one is probably ready for bed, then?”

Friend’s Wife: “Oh, no, she hasn’t had dinner or her bath, yet. We didn’t have time.”

(We all troop into the house and wait another half-hour at the kitchen table. Finally, [Friend] comes and ushers us into the living room with the movie and puts it in. Soon, [Friend’s Wife] follows… holding the crying baby.)

Friend’s Wife: “I still haven’t fed her yet, and then she’s off to bed!”

(Our friend’s wife then sits down in the only chair in the room… besides the one that [Friend] is sitting in. My husband and I sit on a strange bench that they have in the back of the room, since the floor looks pretty icky.)

Friend’s Wife: “Should we tell them that’s where we change the baby’s diaper?” *laughs as we jump up* “Yeah, the floor is always dirty so we can’t change her down there.”

(Not sure what to do now, we slowly sit on the floor. [Friend] and his wife in their recliners are directly in front of the television, at just enough of an angle so that we can’t look at the screen without watching [Friend’s Wife] breastfeeding — topless — a baby who does NOT want her dinner. When the movie is finally over, [Friend’s Wife] sees us to the door, baby in hand, with this parting gem:)

Friend’s Wife: “You guys were awfully quiet tonight! I just don’t understand people who are uncomfortable around babies. You need to get over it.”

(We still don’t see them much.)