A Wick-ed Accident

| Valencia, Spain | Right | July 24, 2012

(My friend is a nurse at a local hospital.)

Patient: “My belly is hurting me.”

My Friend: “Don’t worry, sir. We’ll sort it out.”

(My friend proceeds to do a routine examination on the patient. Whenever she touches the patient’s abdomen, he suffers from a lot of pain. They take him to the x-ray room for scans.)

My Friend: “Sir, it appears you have… um… three candles lodged in your rectum. Do you have any idea how this happened?”

Patient: “Well… er… I was carrying an armful of candles down some stairs and I tripped and…” *trails off into silence*

My Friend: “So, you fell on a candle.”

Patient: “Yes.”

My Friend: “Then you fell again, on another candle.”

Patient: “Yes.”

My Friend: “And then once more, on yet another candle.”

Patient: “That’s what happened!

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This Relationship Has Long Since Flowered

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Romantic | June 27, 2012

(I’m having a very long, difficult labor, and finally deliver my son late in the evening after nearly 24 hrs. The next morning, the woman in the bed next to me has so many flowers arriving for her that the nurses have to bring in extra tables for them all. My parents send a weird looking planter shaped like a blue lamb. My husband walks in and looks around.)

Husband: “Oh, I should’ve sent you flowers. But, what the h***…you can just look at hers!”

(We are now divorced.)

Bird In The Brain

| LA, USA | Related | June 20, 2012

(We are in the hospital visiting our great aunt after surgery. She’s very loopy from medication and upset that one of her nieces stayed up two nights to watch her.)

Great Aunt: “You need to go home. If you keep doing things for me, you won’t love me anymore!”

Me: “We all still love you.”

Great Aunt: “I feel like a huge burden.”

Mom: “You’re not a burd—”

Sister: *imitating a crow* “CA-CAW!”

(Everyone laughs and my great aunt forgets that she was upset. Later, I ask my sister why she did that.)

Sister: “Because, Aunt Dolly said she felt like a huge bird! I figured she was having hallucinations.

Me: “So you wanted to add to them?”

Love Begets Life Begets A Love-life

| Virginia Beach, VA, USA | Romantic | June 12, 2012

(At 17 years old I found out that it was a strong possibility that I wouldn’t be able to have children. So my life-long best friend decides he’d help me have a baby then, as it might not be possible later on. My best friend is handing me our newborn daughter just after giving birth.)

Me: “Isn’t she beautiful?”

Best friend: “Yeah she is, but look at her onesie!”

(I unwrap her blanket. Her onesie reads ‘Will you please marry my daddy?’)

Me: “Are you serious?”

Best friend: “I didn’t do this as a favor, I did this because I love you, and I’m ready to start an adventurous life with you and our girl! Marry me?”

(I said yes. We were married four weeks later, and have been married for five years. He was right, every day is an adventure and our baby daughter is the light of our lives!)

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Hair-Raising Customers

| Seattle, WA, USA | Right | June 4, 2012

(I have very long, honey-blonde hair that is not dyed or altered. A lady is waiting for her boyfriend in the hospital emergency room when she approaches my desk.)

Me: “Hi, would you like to head back to check on [lady’s boyfriend]?”

Lady: “No. I just wanted to compliment you on your extensions and get the number of your hairdresser.”

Me: “Actually, my hair is natural.”

Lady: “Yeah, okay, right…seriously, who does your hair?”

(At that moment, my printer begins printing paperwork and I turn around to retrieve it. Suddenly, she leans forward and yanks on my hair.)

Me: “OW!”

(She yanks even harder.)

Lady: “They usually come right out!”

(I am trying to free my hair from her as she continues to yank.)

Me: “OW! Ma’am, please, ow, stop. It’s not going to come off! It’s attached to my head!”

(Thankfully, security shows up and makes her let go. As she’s heading to her boyfriend’s room, she starts ranting.)

Lady: “HAIR CAN’T GROW THAT LONG!”

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