I have finally taken some time off, and I have my nephews come over for a staycation. On day three of my vacation, my phone rings and I foolishly answer. It is the head cashier from work. 

Head Cashier: “Heyyyy, [My Name], this is [Head Cashier] from [Home Improvement Store]! How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine. What’s up?”

Head Cashier: “I was wondering if you could possibly come in and close tonight. We had a ton of call-offs.”

Me: “I’m on vacation.”

Head Cashier: “Okay, so… you want to come in?”

Me: *Facepalms* “Nope.”

Head Cashier: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I’m on vacation. I’m not working for another [number] days.”

Head Cashier: “But we really need someone to cover! Half the girls have called off today!”

Me: “Bummer. But you’ll have to call somebody else, as I’m on vacation.”

Head Cashier: “But—”

Me: “No. See you in [number] days, [Head Cashier].” *Click*

I walked in after my vacation was over, and a manager tried to chastise me for an inappropriate drawing that had been hung up in the break room. I told him that it wasn’t mine, and he said that one of the cashiers claimed I had hung it up before leaving.

I asked him when it had been found, and it turns out it had been hung on the same day I had refused to come in. I told him point-blank that I had been away on vacation for three days at that point and had refused to end my vacation to come in on that day.

He dropped the matter pretty quickly. I found out later that the group of gals who had called off were part of what we soon dubbed the “Cool Kids Club,” and they had all been closing that day and wanted to go party together. Somehow, they get away with just about everything, call off all the time, and never get reprimanded, not even for insubordination. 

I started screening my calls properly from then on.

I’m working in the fastener aisle when a customer walks up to me. I’m twenty and have only been learning about these things for two months. Both customers are dudes in their fifties.

Customer #1: “I need lead anchors.”

Me: “Lead anchors?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, they are made out of lead.”

Me: “Anchors made out of lead.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, they are made out of lead. You stick them in a hole in concrete and screw a screw in them and they split to anchor… Lead anchor.”

Me: “O-okay, that’s a lag shield; let me grab you one.”

Those are made with galvanized steel, not lead.

Customer #1: “Yeah, that’s it, thanks.”

I walk ten feet away.

Customer #2: “I need a lead anchor.”

Me: *Ponders my sanity for a moment* “A… lag shield?” *Grabs a lag shield* “This?”

Customer #2: “No, it has a tube thing and a pin you hammer down.”

Me: “A hammer set?” *Grabs a hammer set* “This?”

Customer #2: “Yeah, that’s it.”

I have never been asked for a lead anchor before or since. It was so bizarre that two customers needing different things were asking for lead anchors.

I recently finished building a shelf and ended up with an extra piece of wood that had been untouched throughout the project, so I head to the store with my receipt to return it.

Me: “Good evening. I need to return this board. Turns out we had an extra piece of clear pine in the scrap wood by mistake. Here’s my receipt.”

Clerk #1: “No problem! We just need to measure the piece and then we can process the return.”

I blink for a moment in confusion.

Me: “Why would… Wait, do people actually just cut off what they need and try to return the rest? I’d never thought of that.”

A second clerk picked up the board and headed off.

Clerk #2: “Honest people never do.”

Either my genuine befuddlement was good enough proof, or I just threw the employees off their routine, because I walked out of there with my money without them ever actually checking the board length to make sure I wasn’t stealing. Whoops?

I work in an office taking potential customer information for a company that does residential renovations. I return a call.

Me: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] concerning the message you left stating that you wanted some work done. I’m looking to get some information about what you need.”

Caller: “Okay.” *Stops speaking*

Me: “What kind of work do you need done?”

Caller: “Oh, I know who you are now. I didn’t know before.”

I literally just told you who I am and why I’m calling.

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’m trying to figure out what kind of work you need done.”

Caller: “I have some screens that need replacing and some windows and doors that need replacing.”

I wait for her to continue talking but she goes silent. I go into my spiel and tell her about the company only accepting certain projects that are on the large side; we don’t do screen, window, or door replacement only. I ask if there is anything else she needs.

Caller: “Well, if you’d let me finish talking, I’d tell you. You’re being very rude right now and it’s extremely clear you don’t want my business.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if it seemed like I was interrupting, but I was just trying to let you know that we only do projects over a certain price limit and I—”

Dial tone.

I am checking out a few purchases at a cheap retailer. I have grabbed a set of oven mitts that have become separated. They are clearly marked with matching info and proudly claim “set of two” on both tags.

Me: “Hello, I found these detached, but they say they’re a set of two, and another set is behind a bunch of merchandise.”

Cashier: “Yes, this is two.”

She says this indicating to the thumb side and then the fingers side of a single mitt. I stare at the woman for a moment and calmly respond.

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but that is one glove; a set of two is both of them.”

She calls a line manager to confirm. I’ve already told her it’s fine; I don’t want to hold up the line to get a $5 oven mitt. The customer next to me has started talking to her cashier about how you would burn your hand trying to take out something with one oven mitt, but my cashier continues to ignore everything and waits on the line manager to confirm. I am still asking to check out and leave.

Finally, the line manager comes to confirm how many two are. The manager says the same thing, pointing to the thumb side and the finger side and saying that means two. I’m losing my mind at this point. 

Me: “Please, I’ve already said I no longer want this item. Can I please just pay for my things and leave?”

The line manager tells my cashier to just give it to me, but at this point, I just want to go home. I decline her offer politely and ask again to please just leave.

My cashier finally scans the rest of my things. She had done nothing the whole time we waited.

I left with less faith in humanity; two women could not figure out between the both of them how many two are. They honestly thought one glove meant two because it had a side to put your thumb in instead of being one big mitt.