(At about 7:00 one night, a well-dressed woman in her thirties approaches me.)

Customer: “I need to speak to your manager.”

Me: “I’m the manager on duty; how can I help you?”

Customer: “I was in an accident outside your store last night, and I needed to know if you have any video cameras of the parking lot. I also need to know who owns the parking lot and how to reach them.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any cameras for outside our store, but it’s possible that the property manager does. Let me contact my boss and see if we can find out who you need to contact.”

(I send a text to my boss about how a customer was in an accident and needs to contact the owner of the parking lot, but he doesn’t answer. I peruse the office for any phone numbers for the property manager, but I can’t find anything. After a few more minutes, I go back to the customer.)

Me: “Well, we have a couple of different options. I’m still waiting for my boss to get back to me, so if you’re willing to wait around, we can see if he has an answer. There’s also another manager who will be in tomorrow morning at 6:00 am. He has a bit more experience than I do, so he probably knows where to look to find the property manager’s number. If you don’t want to wait around any longer, you could call him in the morning.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I think I’ll call in the morning. You see, the lights in the parking lot weren’t on last night, so I couldn’t see where I was going. I hit my leg against the curb while walking toward your store, and now I have a bruise. I just wanted to make sure that whoever is responsible will pay for my medical expenses.”

Me: “…”

(My boss finally called me after the lady left, frantic, until I explained that the lady had tripped on the curb and wanted someone to pay her medical bills. The weirdest part: even if the parking lot lights had somehow malfunctioned that one night, our doors and vestibule are made of glass. The lights from inside the store would have lit up our curb clearly. We never got a call in the morning, and we never heard from her again.)

(I have a strange sense of humor and enjoy talking about ordinary events in outlandish ways. I am texting a good friend of mine who shares my sense of humor and regularly exchanges joking threats with me. She also happens to be the daughter of a nurse. I am in no way a healthcare professional.)

Me: “Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you something. I performed gastric surgery today!”

Friend: “Oh…”

Me: “I’ve been meaning to get around to it for a while, but there was never a time when I could do it. Well, I did it today and the patient was just fine. Didn’t even want anesthetic.”

Friend: “I… I’m curious but scared.”

Me: “Here she is!” *sends a picture of a stuffed dog*

(The stuffed dog in question is very precious to me and sustained a long rip along a seam running down its stomach. I have sewn it up before the inner netting can break, too, and spill plastic pellets everywhere.)

Friend: “Holy crap, I was terrified, [My Name]!”

Me: *laughing way too hard*

Friend: “We’re gonna get that freaking cosplay blade we were talking about earlier and I’m going to find a way to stab you with it.”

(I was not stabbed.)

My husband is incredibly polite and a bit insecure and embarrassed about his body, so every time he has to fart around me it is followed by a minute or two of apologies and embarrassment. I have tried everything I can to make him feel more comfortable with it because it is a normal human thing and I’m grateful he is polite about it, but he should never feel gross or embarrassed.

One night he was asleep — he talks in his sleep and sometimes does things or walks, as well — and he farted… what followed was him feeling around in the dark for my hand and high-fiving me super hard. 

Just glad he found his confidence! 

Somehow me laughing my butt off for five minutes didn’t wake him up.

Related:
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 19
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 18
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 17

(I am four years old or so when this occurs. My family and I are at a large store that has furniture, as well as some odds and ends. I wander to a cushioned swing on display in the store. I sit down, and the following happens. Note that I am visually impaired.)

Me: *to a worker hanging up decorations* “Hi.”

Worker: *sounding happy* “Hi.”

(I sit there for a long time and get scared because I don’t know where my mom is.)

Me: “Can you help me find my mom?”

Worker: “Sure. What does she look like?”

Me: “She is a person.”

(I can’t see what people look like very well.)

Worker: *laughing* “Let’s look for her.”

(I don’t know how she did it, but she found my mom. My mom thanked her and laughed.)

(My boyfriend and I are laying in bed discussing the day, and I notice something. I’m a little sleepy and giggly.)

Me: “You’ve got a long hair in your ear!”

Boyfriend: “I’m getting ooooold.”

Me: “I’m not kidding. It’s, like, half an inch long!”

Boyfriend: “I mean, you’ve seen my super long eyebrow hair, right?!”

Me: “Oh, yeah. This one?”

(I reach out to pull it a bit and it just comes right out.)

Me: “Oh, no! No! It came out!”

Boyfriend: “JEREMY, NOOOOO!”