(The store where I work has a designated checkout lane as the express lane, though we aren’t usually strict about it, and I’ve never heard anyone loudly complain when someone else comes through with more than six items. I’m currently helping a couple of customers who both sound foreign but speak English; they have many more than six items. This happens while we’re waiting for a number so I can ring up one of the items.)

Next Customer: “Are you able to read English? Can’t you tell this is six items or less?” *gestures towards my register light*

Me: “Americans have come through here with more than six items.”

Next Customer: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “Don’t pick on them just because they sound foreign.”

(The next customer scoffed at me, but otherwise didn’t say anything more about it.)

(This story takes place at around 10:00 am during my 8:00 am to 5:00 pm shift. A customer has just walked in the doors. I’m 17 years old and a part-time cashier, so I don’t normally work a morning shift.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Hi, do you need a ride home today?”

Me: “Um, no.”

Customer: “Well, okay. I need help with hardware.”

(I send my manager back with the customer. I turn to my coworker.)

Coworker: “Do you know him?”

Me: “No, I’ve never seen him before.”

(My coworker decides to go out to the parking lot and take a look at the car windshields to see if any of the cars have any indication that they are Uber drivers because I have to take quite a few Ubers to and from work. She comes back in with no luck. The customer comes back up a few minutes later and since I’m with another customer, he walks to my coworker’s register. As he’s leaving, the customer turns to me.)

Customer: “I’m keeping my eyes on you.”

(I’ve told my two managers, but I haven’t seen the customer since. Needless to say, I always have pepper spray on me now, just in case.)

(I work in a hardware store, where propane tanks are not allowed in the building for safety reasons. A blonde customer in her twenties comes in with a propane tank she would like to exchange. One of my fellow associates tries to explain to her the process of buying a new tank which is: leaving your old tank outside by the locked-up cages, coming inside to a register and purchasing a tank exchange, and then waiting outside for a head cashier, me, to swap the tanks. Unfortunately, she just doesn’t get it and this process takes almost ten minutes. She finally goes outside and another five minutes go by before she comes inside. Keep in mind that she has an attitude the entire from start to finish.)

Customer: “Um, is anyone going to come out there? I’ve been out there for quite some time and no one’s shown up yet.”

Me: “Oh, sorry about that, ma’am. If you go right through the entrance again, I’ll meet you and we can get you your new tank.”

(We meet up and walk outside when she stops me in the entrance where we keep the carts.)

Customer: “Is this going to be heavy? Should I grab a cart?”

(After staring at the customer for a few moments I realize that she is, in fact, quite serious.)

Me: “Uh… yeah. Filled tanks are usually heavy.”

Customer: “Yeah, whatever.”

(After doing the exchange, I ask to see her receipt before I can let her leave as per policy. She throws me a really confused look.)

Customer: “What? I didn’t pay yet! You told me to come and stand out here so I did.”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I was there when the associate told you to come outside and drop off your tank, go back inside and purchase a new one, and then come back outside again. But that’s okay! Just go right on inside and I’ll wait out here for you.” 

(When the customer walks away, I call the associate standing at the service desk to prepare her for what is going on. I later learn the customer is startled when her order is already rung up for her when she gets there. When she comes back outside, I ask to see her receipt again and she quickly flashes it in front of my face.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have to be able to read your receipt.”

Customer: “Oh, my God, whatever!” 

(She hands me her receipt I look it over and give her the all-clear to go home. Instead of taking her cart and going on her merry way, she stands there for almost a minute and a half.)

Customer: “So, am I good to go?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

(The entire exchange from beginning to end took almost half an hour. It was all I could do to make it through the last half-hour of my shift without crying from my laughter.)

(My father owns a hardware store where I sometimes offer to man the phone during busy times.)

Me: *answering the phone* “[Hardware Store]. [My Name] speaking.”

Woman: “Hello, I need to be put through to [Father]. It’s his sister and it is an emergency!”

Me: “I should think so! You died twenty years ago giving birth to [Twin Cousins].”

Woman: “I’m very sorry for your loss… Is [Father] in? It’s an emergency.”

Me: “Given the means by which you tried to access him, I’m not inclined to pass you on. Whatever it is I’m sure I can help.”

Woman: “No, you won’t do. I need to speak directly to him.”

Me: “Tough. You have five seconds before I hang up.”

Woman: “What time do you close on Sundays?”

Me: *seriously?* “Five pm.”

Woman: “I would rather be told that by [Father].”

Me: *hangs up*

(She came over later that day and demanded I be fired for rudeness. My father then shouted so loud the entire store took notice, “CAROL, GET BACK IN YOUR COFFIN!” The woman blushed and scurried out. Obviously, I’d told him the second I hung up, and he was praying she would come by.)

(Where I work, the main break room has a TV in it that is usually on at all times. I am not really paying attention during my break, until I overhear a commercial for a national hardware store chain.)

TV Commercial: “Don’t miss out on the biggest savings of the season! It’s our Spring Black Friday event!”

(Immediately, in my head, I hear a certain movie character’s voice say a modified version of one of his lines.)

Syndrome: “…and when everything is on sale… nothing will be!”