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Sounds Like The OP Is The Braaaaaains Of This Operation

, , , , , | Related | August 10, 2020

Growing up, my brother and I often play video games together, with him at the controls and me paying attention to the plot and telling him where to go next. He is horribly dyslexic but has great coordination, whereas I am an excellent reader but lack the dexterity to play many kind of games. This usually works out well, but, being siblings, we would end up bickering sometimes.

At the time of this story, I am seven and my brother is eleven. We’re playing the latest game in a popular green-clad-hero series and have just gotten an add-on for the system that lets us discover hidden areas by vibrating, or maybe rumbling, the controller. Since we’re not doing anything plot-related at the moment, my brother has decided my directions are more annoying than helpful — fair — and tells me to stop talking. So, I do.

Then, he falls into a hidden hole he just found, into a dark room with a gaunt figure crouched in the fetal position in the middle. Ominous ambient sounds play. My immediate thought is, “That’s a zombie.” I say nothing.

My brother approaches the creature fearlessly. “It’s going to eat his brains,” I think, keeping quiet.

He gets within arms reach of the monster and it shrieks, locking his character in place. We both jump and he starts frantically mashing buttons as the totally-a-zombie climbs on him and quickly drains away his life. Game over. I start laughing.

Brother: “What’s so funny?! Did you know that would happen?!”

Me: “It was obviously a zombie!”

Brother: “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

Me: “You told me to shut up!”

He didn’t like that answer and chased me out of his room… for just a bit… until he got stuck on the next quest and had to ask me where to go.

The Thinking Dead

, , , , , , , | Related | December 13, 2019

(My wife is talking to our son about some health issues she has been having.)

Son: “Does that mean you are turning into a zombie?”

Wife: “You know what? Yes, it does.”

Son: “Well, if you do, I will chop off your head with an axe.”

Wife: “Don’t worry. You’re safe. Zombies eat brains, right?”

Son: “Huh? What?”

Zombies Take Sundays Seriously

, , , , | Right | October 31, 2019

(My father owns a hardware store where I sometimes offer to man the phone during busy times.)

Me: *answering the phone* “[Hardware Store]. [My Name] speaking.”

Woman: “Hello, I need to be put through to [Father]. It’s his sister and it is an emergency!”

Me: “I should think so! You died twenty years ago giving birth to [Twin Cousins].”

Woman: “I’m very sorry for your loss… Is [Father] in? It’s an emergency.”

Me: “Given the means by which you tried to access him, I’m not inclined to pass you on. Whatever it is I’m sure I can help.”

Woman: “No, you won’t do. I need to speak directly to him.”

Me: “Tough. You have five seconds before I hang up.”

Woman: “What time do you close on Sundays?”

Me: *seriously?* “Five pm.”

Woman: “I would rather be told that by [Father].”

Me: *hangs up*

(She came over later that day and demanded I be fired for rudeness. My father then shouted so loud the entire store took notice, “CAROL, GET BACK IN YOUR COFFIN!” The woman blushed and scurried out. Obviously, I’d told him the second I hung up, and he was praying she would come by.)

Looking For The Zombie Entrance

, , , , | Right | April 30, 2019

(I am working when I hear my coworker call my name. An elderly man has just entered the kitchen via the back door, so I go to tell him his mistake.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, you’ve come in the wrong door. This is the kitchen.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “This is the staff entrance, sir. I’m afraid you can’t be in here.”

Customer: “Well, can’t I just come through, anyway?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that; it’s against health and safety regulations.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “Well, what if I was dead, huh? Could I come in your kitchen if I was dead?”

Me: “Uh… Let me just show you the way to the main entrance, sir…”

(Try as I might, I couldn’t think of any circumstances where being in our kitchen could benefit a dead person!)

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 71

, , , , | Romantic | January 10, 2018

(I asked my wife the question. I was raised in the South and went hunting a lot.)

Me: “What would you do if I was bitten by a zombie?”

Wife: “Logically, I’d shoot you. But in reality I have no idea.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’d shoot you, but I’m better with guns than you are.”

Wife: “This is true. Eh, we’re together enough that we’d probably be bitten at the same time, anyway.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 70
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 69
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 68