(A guest checks into our hotel late at night. About five minutes later, he comes back to the front desk.)

Guest: “My room’s supposed to have a view of the ocean. I can’t see it. Did you put me in the wrong room?”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, it is nighttime…”

Guest: *blank stare*

Me: “Here, I’ll move you to the other ocean-view room.”

(I move the guest to the other room. Again, he comes back.)

Guest: “I still can’t see the ocean! I reserved this room specifically for the ocean view!”

Me: “I do apologize. If you still can’t see the ocean in the morning, we’ll give you a discount.”

(The guest reluctantly agrees to this and leaves in a huff. However, he does not return the next morning.)

(A customer with a thick Southern-US accent comes in, starts looking at me and frowns.)

Customer: “Hey, you.”

Me: “Hello, madam. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you understand me?”

Me: “Why, yes, I do.”

Customer: *sighs* “But my friend told me all you stupid hicks up here speak Spanish!”

Me: “Well, that’s a bit odd. We aren’t located anywhere near Mexico, Spain or anywhere in Europe.”

Customer: “Liar! Just so you know, I went to college and I know d*** well where this state is!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You b****! You’re a stupid hick who thinks she knows everything! I know d*** well where this state is!”

Me: “I’m quite certain Montana is located in the northwest corner of the USA.”

Customer: “Ugh! Make me teach the brainless rednecks! It’s not in the northwest, you dumb f***! It’s in the south, by the country Idaho!”

Me: *speechless*

(The customer rolls her eyes and storms out of the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have a reservation under [Name]. I’m at the airport and need a shuttle to pick me up.”

Me: “Sure thing, sir. I’ll send it right out! Just wait by the taxi island outside of baggage claim.”

(About fifteen minutes later, the driver calls me saying he can’t see anyone. At the same time the customer calls back.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if the shuttle was on its way.”

Me: “The driver is out there now, sir, and has circled around but says he can’t see anyone. Are you by baggage claim at the taxi island?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m by the cabs on the second level.”

Me: “Wait, second level? Sir, what airport are you at now?”

Customer: “At San Francisco airport, of course.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but you’re in San Francisco.”

Customer: “Yeah, I just said that!”

Me: “This hotel is in Fresno.”

Customer: “Yeah, Fresno is like a suburb, right?”

Me: “We’re about two hours away in central California.”

Customer: “Oh my God, it’s midnight and I have an interview at 7 am in Fresno. I’m screwed!”

(I directed the customer to information. Thankfully, he was able to find one last rental car place open, and made it just in time to change for his interview.)

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(Sometimes the customers that call are out of our delivery area. We have to find out which restaurant delivers to them.)

Me: “What are your major cross streets?”

Customer: “Federal and Quincy.”

Me: “Okay. That could be one of two stores. Are you North or South of Quincy Avenue?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “All right. Can you face Quincy from where you are standing?”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Are the mountains on your left or your right?”

Customer: “The mountains are in the west.”

Me: “Yeah. But are they to your left or right when facing Quincy?”

Customer: “They are in the west.”

Me: “The mountains are always in the west. If the mountains are to the east of you, you aren’t in Denver.”

Customer: “No. The mountains turn with me.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “The mountains are in the west.”

Me: “Yeah, that would mean you’re in Denver. Now are they on your left or your right?”

Customer: “I’m telling you, the mountains are in the west!”

Me: “I’m not arguing the geography with you. I’m trying to find out where you are.”

Customer: ”Never mind. You’re an idiot.” *click*

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Caller: “Hello, this is [Name] from [Company]. I’m calling to get the satellite hooked up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, could you say that again?”

Caller: “This is [Name] from [Company] in Guyana. You know, Guyana, South America. We ordered satellite service last week.”

(Our company has nothing to do with satellites. We do not have service anywhere near Guyana. I explain as such to the caller.)

Caller: “Oh. Well, where are you located? Brazil?”

Me: “No, sir. We’re up in Canada.”

Caller: “Oh dear, I DO have the wrong number, don’t I?”