(I work at a gas station in a small town, so we see a lot of regulars — in this case, two Hispanic men. They walk in and start talking to each other in Spanish as I’m ringing up an older woman.)

Customer: “Can you believe these Mexicans? They come here illegally, take all our jobs, and leave none for us real Americans.”

(She goes off on a rant, and the two regulars are standing behind her listening to every word she says. One shakes his head at me calmly and I keep quiet.)

Customer: “…and they don’t even speak English.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s too bad. Here’s your change. Have a nice day!”

(She is nearly out the door when one of the regulars stops her.)

Regular: *in fluent English* “Excuse me, miss! You left your cigarettes on the counter.”

(He goes to hand them to her, and she looks like she’s about to pass out from either rage or embarrassment. She turns and leaves without taking her cigarettes.)

Me: “Way to handle a bad situation. I was ready to kick her out.”

Regular: “I don’t think she was right in the head. She needs a doctor, not a scene… And I got a free pack of cigarettes.”

For some reason, scammers and beggars see me as a soft touch.

I was standing inside my favorite gas station, chatting with the workers, when I saw a young couple outside having an intense conversation and repeatedly looking in at me. Then, the man nodded to the woman and walked inside. He had some money clenched in his hand.

I stepped back so he could deal with the cashier I’d been chatting with. He dropped the money on the counter and asked for that amount to be prepaid on his pump. He kept glancing at me as he made a point of counting out less than two dollars, asking how much that would buy, and lamenting that it wouldn’t be enough gas to get where he needed to go.

I only smiled at him.

His girlfriend rushed in exclaiming that she’d found thirteen cents in the car. Then, she started giving me sideways glances.

I just smiled.

Finally, they broke down and asked outright if I could help.

I smiled, explained that I don’t carry cash, and had to interrupt his suggestion that I use my credit card to fill their tank to say, “Maybe that twenty hanging out of your pocket could help you out.”

The couple rushed out, leaving their handful of change on the counter. The cashier and I had a good laugh.

Me: “911 Emergency Services. Do you need police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “I need you to tell me why there are a bunch of police cars blocking the driveway to [Gas Station]; I need my coffee!”

Me: “Ma’am, there was a robbery and murder in [Gas Station] overnight. The police are still investigating what happened. I am afraid [Gas Station] is closed for business for the time being.”

Caller: “I need my coffee!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am. There is nothing that can be done at the moment. Now, if there isn’t anything else, I have other calls waiting. Have a nice day.”

(The caller hangs up. Thirty seconds later, my partner’s phone rings:)

Partner: “Ma’am, as my partner already explained to you, someone robbed [Gas Station], and then shot a customer and killed the clerk, so the store won’t be open until tomorrow at the earliest.”

(The caller says something else.)

Partner: “No, ma’am, a police officer is not going to brew a pot of coffee and bring you out a cup, even if you pay for it.”

(The caller says something:)

Partner: “Because, ma’am, that isn’t their job, and they are not just sitting around doing nothing; they all have various task and cannot leave their vehicles or posts simply to get you a coffee. Now, if there is nothing else, I am going to disconnect this call, as I have another call coming in at this very moment.” *click*

(Ten seconds later:)

Me: “911—”

Caller: “I need my f****** coffee, and I need it now!”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am, you have called us three times in less than five minutes to tell us this. We all need our coffee first thing in the morning, and can be grumpy without it, but as my partner and I have both explained to you, [Gas Station] is closed, so you will have to go elsewhere. There is a [Coffee Chain] just five minutes down the road.”

Caller: “What?! I’m not paying $7 for that swill when I can get my coffee here for 99 cents! Now if only your officers would move and let me in!”

Me: “Ma’am, you are tying up an emergency line with a non-emergency call, and as I said, this is your third call regarding this. It needs to stop, as this line is for life and death emergencies only. Now, if you don’t have an actual emergency, I have to disconnect this call, as I have other calls coming in that require my attention. Do not call back unless you have an actual emergency; doing so could result in a Abuse Of 911 System charge, and you could be arrested!”

Caller: “How dare you threa—”

Me: *click*

(Not but five minutes later:)

Me: “911 emergency. Do y—”

Caller: *screeching* “Listen to me! I have to be at work in fifteen minutes! Tell your officers to move their cars so I can come in and get my coffee! It will only take me five minutes, and then they can go back to doing whatever they’re doing.”

Me: “Ma’am, I warned you that if you called back, you would get in trouble for tying up the emergency line with a non-emergency issue. I am going to dispatch an officer to come over and talk to you.”

Caller: “You can’t do s*** to me! You work for me; I pay your salary. And if those piggies won’t get out of the way for me to get my own coffee, then tell them to bring it out to me!”

(Just then I hear someone approach the caller; it’s one of our officers on scene:)

Police Officer: “Excuse me, ma’am, but why all the screaming? Are you hurt? Are you family? Is there something I can do to help you?”

Caller: “Finally! I have been talking to your worthless 911 operator for the last ten minutes. I am glad he finally doing his job.”

Police Officer: “What do you mean, ma’am? I’m confused.”

Caller: “I told your operator that since you guys won’t let me go inside to get my own coffee, he should have an officer come out to take my order and get the coffee for me!”

Police Officer: “Okay, I’m confused. Did you just say you called 911 to tell the dispatcher to tell the homicide detective and crime scene investigators to vacate the building so you can get your coffee?”

Caller: “Yes! Now move your cars so I can pull in!”

Police Officer: “No, ma’am. First, calm down; there is no reason for you to be yelling, and second, there is a gas station about five minutes down the road where I am sure they’ll be glad to serve you a cup of coffee that isn’t contaminated with blood.”

Caller: *screeching at the top of her lungs* “No! And don’t tell me what to do; you’re not my boss! I am not going to f****** [Coffee Chain] and paying $7 for a cup of coffee when I can get it here for 99 cents! Now, move your f****** cars and people so I can go inside and get my coffee and leave. I am already running late for work, and every minute you have me waiting, the later I am going to be. You will have to explain to my boss that you were the reason why I was late!”

Police Officer: “Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, ma’am, but you’re going to be even later if you don’t get into your car and leave, as you are keeping me and other officers from being able to conduct our jobs. Unless you get back into your vehicle and drive off, I will have no choice but to arrest you for disorderly conduct.”

Caller: “You can’t do s*** to me; I have done nothing wrong! Now, I demand to be let in, or I will be calling my friend, the mayor—”

Police Officer: “Ma’am, you’re under arrest.”

Caller: *shuffling in the background as the phone drops* “Hey! Heeeey! What are you doing?! Get your hands off of me now, or I am going to sue you and get you fired!”

Police Officer: “Ma’am, you are now under arrest for disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace and assault on a law enforcement officer for elbowing me in the stomach as I attempted to handcuff you.”

(After her initial arrest, a charge of abuse of the 911 system was added because she called 911 four times in less than five minutes, preventing us from answering two life and death calls that had to be rerouted to another dispatch center a few miles away.)

(I need to put petrol in my car but I’m not sure I have any money on my credit card. Not wanting to be stuck unable to pay, as I’m a long way from home, I go inside to pay before filling up.)

Me: “Hi, I’m not sure I have any money in my account, so can I pay $50 before I fill up?” *holding up my credit card*

Cashier: “You want to prepay?”

Me: “Yes, please, $50.”

(She seems confused, but progresses the payment, which gets approved.)

Me: “Phew. Wasn’t sure that would work”

Cashier: “You know you can just preselect 50 at the pump?”

Me: “Yes, but I wasn’t sure I had the money to pay for it.”

Cashier: “Yeah, but you can just select 50 at the pump.”

(For those that don’t know, this literally just delivers $50 worth of fuel; it has nothing to do with payment, which must be done from inside the building.)

Me: *holds up card again* “Yeah, but it was my card; I wasn’t sure would work.”

Cashier: “Just select 50 at the pump next time.”

Me: “But I wasn’t sure I could pay for it.”

Cashier: “You just press the 50 button.”

(I just sighed and walked out. She watched me from the window, with a confused expression the whole time, as I filled up $50 worth and drove off.)

(I am working at an independent gas station in the nineties. There not many shops in the area, and this is the only one open 24 hours. I am working the rare morning shift during the busy tourist season — the station is near a lake — and it’s just me and the manager. A customer comes up.)

Customer #1: “You might want to check the bathroom.”

(I do, and some lovely customer has liquid-pooped all over the small bathroom. That stuff covers from the ground up to four feet, even above the handicap bars and sink. The customer was also nice enough to leave his stinky underwear in the middle of floor. I get out and yell for the manager. He comes by.)

Me: “You might want to look in the bathroom.”

(He does and walks right out. He looks at me, and I look at him. He gets a quarter from his pocket and we flip on who is cleaning the bathroom. I lose. He goes to the booth to ring a customer up. I prop open the door, snake the outdoor hose in, and douse everything in bleach. While I’m doing this, a customer comes up.)

Customer #2: “I need to use the bathroom.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, the bathroom is closed for cleaning.”

Customer #2: “I really, really need to use the bathroom.”

(Mind you, the store is beginning to smell of bleach and poo.)

Me: “Again, sorry, ma’am, but the bathroom is closed. There is a fast food joint next door and a grocery store down the street.”

Customer #2: “I REALLY NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM!”

Me: “Ma’am, SOMEONE TOOK A S*** ALL OVER THERE! IT AIN’T GOING TO BE OPEN FOR ANOTHER HOUR!”

(The customer squeaks and turns around, then goes to the manager and complains. He is laughing over the conversation, and when she does complain, he says:)

Manager: “How did you not smell that?”