(I go to a college in Florida that attracts a lot of kids from the Northeastern US. I don’t think much of it until one day at the beginning of my senior year. We are doing a case study as a class, and the girl in front of me raises her hand to speak. Note: I’m a local, and that will be important later.)

Professor: “Yes, [Girl]?”

Girl: “Oh, this reminds me of something that happened back home. You guys know where [Restaurant] is, of course. Well, remember when–”

(She launches into a story filled with references from her hometown that I am confused by. Half the class is nodding and laughing; the other half is looking at each other and shrugging. The kid on my left pokes me.)

Kid: “Do you even know where we are right now? I’m lost.”

Me: “No idea.”

Kid: “Does she realize that some of us have no clue?”

Me: “I guess not.”

(I raise my hand.)

Professor: “Yes, [My Name]?”

Me: “Where, exactly, are we right now? I’m confused.”

Girl: “I’m talking about [Her Hometown], obviously. It’s just like our case study! How could you not know?”

Me: “Because I don’t live there?”

Girl: “But everyone knows [Her Hometown]! Where are you even from?”

Me: *points toward the main highway* “About five minutes that way.”

Girl: “Floridians go here, too?! I didn’t think you could!”

Me: “Did you really think this college was just for Northeasterners?”

Professor: “Okay, okay! Let’s stick to less obscure references next time, shall we? And yes, if I remember my records completely, about half of you are locals. It’s good to have all of you here.”

(I ended up taking two more classes with that professor next semester. He was great at consistently shutting down BS.)

(I’m the customer in this story. I’ve just entered the checkout line with my groceries and I notice a young man entering the queue behind me who is about to step into a puddle of brightly-colored liquid. He doesn’t seem to notice the “Caution” sign nearby. I reach over to stop him.)

Me: “Oh, hey, watch out there.”

Man: “What? Oh, jeez. Thanks for that.”

Me: “Yeah, of course.”

Man: *laughing a little* “I didn’t even see that. I wasn’t paying attention.”

Me: “Ah, it happens to the best of us.”

(I turn from my interaction with the man back to my groceries as I notice that the cashier is starting to ring me up. I helpfully put down a divider behind my groceries, as well. I exchange pleasantries with the cashier and begin pulling out my ID for the bottle of wine I’m purchasing. I’m in my 20s with extreme babyface, and I fully expect to be ID’d every time I purchase. The cashier takes my ID, scans it, and looks around me and gets the attention of the man behind me who is now on his phone.)

Cashier: “Excuse me, sir! I need your ID, too.”

Man: “Uh, what?”

Me: “Er, he’s not with me. These are all my groceries.”

Cashier: “Yes, but you obviously know him. I need his ID.”

Me: “I’ve never met this man before five minutes ago. I just warned him not to slip.”

Cashier: *very smugly and self-assuredly* “Yeah, no. You’re together and you’re buying this alcohol for him.”

(I can’t help but wonder how many people are buying entire carts of groceries only to disguise single bottles of wine for underage kids. The guy behind me doesn’t look old, but he does look older than my babyface, for sure.)

Man: “I have no idea who this lady is. And I’m not giving you my ID.”

Cashier: “I saw you guys enter the line at the same time. I can’t sell this to you until he gives me his ID.”

Me: “I’m… not sure what you want me to do here. I have literally never met this man in my life. I don’t even know his name.”

Cashier: “Yeah, are you sure about that? I’m going to need his ID, too, okay?”

Man: “I am not handing over my ID. I. Do. Not. Know. This. Person.”

(The man turns bodily away from both the cashier and me and seems to be gathering his own groceries from the belt to move lanes. The cashier suddenly loses their smug attitude and conviction.)

Cashier: *sounding sad or disappointed* “Oh… Are you guys really not together?”

Me: “I have literally never met him before today. I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to even speak with other customers in line. Am I able to buy this or not?”

Cashier: “Yeah…” *a sad sigh* “I guess, if you guys don’t know each other.”

(The cashier finally let me finish my transaction, but I caught her watching me like a hawk to see if the man exited another line to come speak with me. I never saw the man again and I am now paranoid of who enters line behind me every time I come into that store again.)

(Unfortunately, my mother is the bad customer. She makes a habit of telling her waiters she’s allergic to foods she wants excluded from her meal. On this day it is onions. At this point, we’ve been waiting for about thirty minutes.)

Mom: *to the waitress* “Miss, why is our order taking so long?”

Waitress: “I asked the chef to clear and clean the whole flat top to avoid cross-contamination. It’ll be out soon.”

Mom: “How soon?”

Waitress: “In about ten minutes.”

Mom: “That’s a really long wait.”

Me: “It’s fine. Thanks for asking the chef to clean. We appreciate it.”

Mom: “That’s still a long wait.”

Me: *after the waitress has left* “Do you see what you do to people? ‘No onions’ was enough.”

Mom: “You never know with these people.”

(My mom was a waitress for ten years. I don’t know why she can’t be polite to them.)

(In a class on ancient cultures, we are studying the Minoans. Their customary dress for women involved a top that went around the bust, leaving much exposed. My professor mentions a male friend of hers who expressed the wish that these fashions still existed in our culture.)

Professor: “Yeah, that’d be great: you go to the mall, and there they are!”

Guy: “Yeah!”

Professor: “You go to the grocery store, and there they are!”

Guy: “YEAH!”

Professor: “You go to your grandma’s house, and there they are!”

Guy: “Yea– Aaaaaaaaargggh!”

(We’ve recently been getting calls from one of those fake auto warranty scam businesses. We’ve told them to take us off their calling list and threatened to report them to the FCC numerous times, but they still keep calling. Today, when I pick up the phone, it’s them again.)

Robocall: “Hello! This is [Robot Caller] calling about your car’s warranty. We see from our records that your warranty is expiring soon. Would you be interested in extending your warranty? Please answer yes or no!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Robocall: “Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Would you be interested in extending your car’s warranty? Please answer yes or no!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Robocall: “Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Let me connect you to one of our operators. Please stay on the line!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Phone: *elevator music*

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “You’ve reached [Operator]. What extension are you trying to dial?”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “Excuse me? Are you trying to purchase a new warranty for your vehicle?”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “Sir, if you’re trying to purchase a new warranty, I can connect you to one of our sales representatives.”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “This is not funny, sir. You can’t just call our business and waste our time with silly games.”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “ARE YOU BUYING A NEW WARRANTY?!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “I’m blocking your number! F****** idiot!” *hangs up*

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Phone: *dial tone*