(My wife and I are waiting at a well-known theme park in Florida. There is a family beside us — a father, mother, and two teenage daughters. Everyone is waiting for the rope drop when we overhear the following exchange between the father and one of the teenage daughters.)

Teenage Daughter: “Ooh, I can’t wait to go on the rides. I’m not going on any of the scary rides.”

Father: “We’re going on all the rides.”

Teenage Daughter: “Not the scary ones.”

Father: “We’re going on all the rides.”

Teenage Daughter: “No, I’m not going on anything scary.”

Father: “You begged me to come here. I paid 800 f****** dollars for these tickets. You’re going on every f****** ride.”

Teenage Daughter: *now nearly crying* “But I don’t want to go on the scary ones.”

Father: *glaring* “Every f****** ride!”

(Welcome to the happiest place on earth.)

(I am working at our customer service counter when a lady walks up.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I would like to return these.”

(The customer hands me two cans of almonds she had bought on sale. I notice they are open, so I ask if anything is wrong with them and if she just wants to exchange them out.)

Customer: “Oh, no. They were fine. I just forgot I was allergic to nuts when I bought them.”

(I just kind of stare at her.)

Me: “Oh… okay.”

My family and I were sitting down to eat at a pretty popular barbecue joint.

In a booth a few feet away was a middle-aged couple talking to a friend of theirs over the walkie-talkie function of the gentleman’s cellphone at max volume.

The rest of the diners and staff were clearly annoyed, but the couple was so engrossed in their conversation they had no idea how ticked off everyone was getting.

Finally, my father got up and sat down right behind them, leaning over the man’s shoulder.

The man said, “Excuse me?”

My dad said, “Sorry, but I just couldn’t quite make out what you guys were saying, but since you wanted us all to hear I just had to come over.”

The couple practically ran out of there while the dining room cheered.

Customer: “What’s the difference between the honey ham and the smoked ham?”

Me: “Well, one is sweet and the other is salty.”

Customer: “So, what’s the difference between sweet and salty?”

(Pause.)

Me: “That’s literally as clear as I can possibly explain it.”

(I work for a government agency and provide 24/7 support for other agencies. This particular call takes place at 2:00 am.)

Me: “IT, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need my login password reset.”

Me: “Sure thing. We just need to verify your identity.”

(After verifying the customer’s identity I provide the password.)

Me: “Your password is, ‘Every$boy.’”

Customer: “So that’s E as in ‘igloo,’ right?”

Me: *silence* “Um… Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, got it. Thanks, bye!”