My boss, the CEO, calls me to his office. Our company has a policy that if you speak a foreign language, you get a bonus, but you have to have an official certificate to prove it. I can speak several languages, but since I don’t “have a paper” to prove it, no money for me.

CEO: “[My Name], on Monday there will be a meeting with one of our suppliers from Italy. We have some problems with late delivery of the material and I think they are bulls***ting us. I want you to attend the meeting and tell me what they say in Italian.”

Me: “Boss, you know I’m not paid to speak Italian. I don’t have a certificate to prove my language skills, and [Human Resources Director] said—”

CEO: “Don’t gimme that bulls***. You studied and worked in Italy for a year. But don’t worry; I spoke to [Human Resources Director] and you’ll get a one-time bonus for it, and another one if you find out something useful. [Human Resources Director] wasn’t very enthusiastic about it, but we really need some leverage; because of them our schedule is late and we may have to pay some fees to our customers.”

I give him a wicked smile.

Me: “As you wish, my lord.”

I attend the meetings as “a person responsible for writing the minutes of the meeting” and find out that while our supplier prepared our purchased material, right before the shipping they sold it to our competitor at double the price, but their official statement for us was that there were some problems at the forgery and they had to postpone the production because of a broken machine.

I send my findings to my boss by email and he is very pleased. He uses this information — packed in some fairy tale about how he found out about it — during two days of negotiations and the Italian side isn’t very happy that we know. They apologize a lot and pay some hefty fee for breaking the contract with us.

Also, because I stayed in the meeting room during the breaks, I heard that they did the same thing to us before and to our sister company, as well, and I heard about some other problems they have.

After the last meeting, the head of their delegation is in the corridor on his phone telling the results to his boss. Unknown to me, an agent from a different Italian supplier has come to visit us. He is an older man and very fond of me since he found out I could speak Italian — as the only person in the whole company. I’m passing by the Italian on his phone when I hear a familiar voice.

Agent: *In Italian* “Oh, my dear, how are you, sweetie?!” *Hugs me*

Me: *Also in Italian* “Hello, [Agent], I’m fine. How about you? How was the flight? Let’s go to my office and grab some coffee.”

The head of the delegation stares at me, completely shocked. 

Head Of Delegation: “F***.”

I’m head of quality assurance and the certification department. There used to be three people including me, but one was fired for drinking and the second one is on maternity leave and won’t be back for another three years.

Before she left, I repeatedly requested new help. It didn’t matter if it was someone from a different department or completely new, because in both cases I’d have to teach them everything. The only requirement was that they had to speak Russian.

The human resources director promised me to find someone, but no luck… until one day I speak to the head of the development department

Head Of DD: “Hi, [My Name], I’m so sorry. I apologize. I had no idea.”

Me: “Hi, [Head Of DD]. What’s wrong? Why do you apologize?”

Head Of DD: “I swear, I didn’t know about it. I’m sorry.”

Me: “Okay, how about you start from the beginning?”

Head Of DD: “I went to [HR Director] to ask if she could find me someone more capable than [Coworker]; he is totally useless. She said fine and that she would move him to your department. I’m really sorry. I didn’t know she still hadn’t found a substitute for [Coworker On Maternity Leave].”

Me: “Oh, well, as long as he can speak Russian. I need someone who can deal with Russian documentation, send emails, and tell me what [Mother Company] needs from me. It’s not like he has to do something complicated like drawings, material calculations, and other technical stuff like your team does. If he is at least able to do this, I won’t have to work fifteen hours a day. I’m really tired.”

Head Of DD: “That’s why I’m so sorry. I’m afraid he won’t be of much help. His Russian is perfect, but the rest…”

Me: “We will see. Don’t worry.”

The next day, I go to the office kitchen to grab a coffee, and when I return to my office, there is someone sitting in my chair. The guys fiddles with my computer mouse trying to wake up my notebook from the screensaver but only gets to the “locked” screen.

Normally, I lock my office but this time I was away for two minutes and didn’t bother. I recognize the guy as [Coworker]; I saw his photo at the “New Employees” board a few months ago.

Me: “Umm, good morning. That’s my chair. You are [Coworker], right? I’m [My Name]; nice to meet you. Let me show you your workplace.”

The coworker stares at me quietly. Then, he slams his hands on my table, stands up and, still without a word, passes me and leaves the office. I’m confused and have no idea what happened. I let it be as I have too much work to do.

Later, at the company canteen, [Head Of DD] joins me for lunch.

Head Of DD: “Hey, how did it go?”

Me: “I have no idea.”

I tell him what happened.

Me: “He didn’t come back. I even checked if [IT Coworker] had switched the nametag on my office door; he likes pranks like this. Nope, my office was still my office. I have to ask—”

A coworker from the HR department joins us.

HR Coworker: “Hi, guys. [My Name], I’m sorry, no new subordinate for you.

Me: “Why? [Coworker] was in my office, and then, without a word, he disappeared.”

HR Coworker: “Yes, he came to our office. He said that he thought you’d be his subordinate, not his boss. He won’t listen to some silly little girl and if we don’t give him your position he will leave. His words, not mine. So, we said goodbye to him.”

In the tearoom, it’s a common policy to take off your shoes and put them in the shoe locker. First-time visitors usually don’t know this so we ask them to do it. But when it’s too busy we sometimes miss them. This is one of the very busy days.

Customer: “Hey, I want a shisha.”

Coworker: “Okay. Oh, can I ask you to take off your shoes and put them in the locker, please?”

Customer: “Why? I will put them next to my table.”

Coworker: “Please put them in the locker.”

Customer: “Why? I want my shisha.”

Coworker: “Because they would be in the way. I could trip over them and hurt myself or someone else.”

Customer: “I don’t care. I want my shisha!“

I was speechless. In the end, one of his friends did it for him.

(My boss, the CEO, calls me to his office. When I come, the HR director is also present. Both of them can speak Russian.)

CEO: “[My Name], next week we will have VIP guests from Russia. I want you to give them the factory tour and show them our workshop, offices, etc.”

Me: “Okay, who’s going to interpret? [Secretary/Interpreter] has a week off next week.”

CEO: “You speak Russian; you don’t need an interpreter.”

Me: “Well, while that may be true, I’m not paid to speak Russian.”

CEO: “But you can speak Russian.”

Me: “When I was hired, I was told I’d get a bonus for every language I could speak except for English, which was one of the main requirements for the position I hold. In my contract, it is written that I’m paid for one foreign language and that’s English; I’d get a bonus for other languages. When I asked for it, you personally told me that I ‘don’t have a paper,’ so no bonus for me.”

HR Director: “Um, yes, that’s our policy that you need a certificate. But in your CV, you stated that your mother tongues are Czech and Russian, right?”

Me: “Yes, your point?”

HR Director: “So, you can speak Russian.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m not paid to do so. Since I don’t have a paper to prove it.'”

HR Director: “But it’s your mother tongue.”

Me: “So I don’t need a paper to get my bonus?”

HR Director: “Ugh, um, it’s your mother tongue, so it’s not a foreign language.”

Me: “But it is for you. We are based in the Czech Republic. Russian isn’t an official language here, so by definition it is a foreign language in this state. Is [Half-Russian Coworker] getting a bonus for speaking Russian?”

HR Director: “Ugh…”

Me: “Don’t worry. I know the answer, which is yes. One of her mother tongues is Russian and she is getting a bonus for it.” *turns to my boss* “Sorry, boss, but if you want me to speak Russian at work, you pay me to do it.” *in Russian* “No money, no Russian.”

(I didn’t give that tour.)

(I work for the Elite/VIP line at an airline call center in Prague. While most of our passengers are polite and understanding, sometimes they are just entitled jerks.)

Me: “Good morning. Welcome to your [VIP line]. My name is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “I need to be on the next flight from Paris to New York. One-way, business class, quickly.”

Me: “Sure thing. Let me look at what we can offer you.”

Caller: “The price on the website is outrageous; I hope you can do better than that.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we are almost fully booked and the departure is in two hours; the best price I can offer you is [horribly high last-minute price].”

Caller: “WHAT?! I FLEW FOR FOUR TIMES LESS SIX MONTHS AGO! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I WANT TO TALK TO A SUPERVISOR.”

Me: “I understand, sir, but she will not do that. Looking at your booking from six months ago, you purchased the ticket four months in advance. You cannot expect the same price for a last-minute business-class ticket.”

Caller: “But I’m a [second-highest tier] passenger; I should get cheaper prices!”

Me: “That’s not how it works.”

Caller: “Your program is useless. Frequent flyers are not rewarded enough.”

Me: “With your additional bag, your extra-comfortable seat on the [arguably the best passenger plane in the world]’s top deck, as well as the shuttle to the airport, all free of charge on both legs, you saved more than €300 on your previous booking.”

Caller: “I didn’t… I mean, this is normal, but I expect more.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it looks like the last seat on this plane was booked by another passenger since we did not confirm it early enough, and the next ones for today are already overbooked. If you wish, I can put you on tomorrow’s flight, same time.”

Caller: *curses, then hangs up*