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Getting To The Heart Of The Story

, , , , | Related | February 12, 2018

(As part of my advanced English course, I am writing a short story. I turn to my father for tips and advice; he is fluent in English and an avid writer himself.)

Father: “I like it, but your main hero is too perfect. Believable characters need some flaws.”

Me: “He is not perfect. He suffers from extremely fragile bones and is in constant pain.”

Father: “Uh… What was his name again?”

Me: “Sydney Hart.”

Father: *perfectly calm* “So… Your story is basically about achy, breaky Hart?”

Me: *long pause* “Okay, Percy Hamish it is. Also, I hate you, Dad.”

Father: “You are welcome, honey.”

Unangelic Behavior

, , , , , , , | Related | December 21, 2017

(It’s nearly Christmas and we are finishing the decorations in our living room, including our so-called “Angelic quartet”. It’s a local variation to American “Elf on the Shelf,” with four winged plaster statuettes, nearly the size of newborn babies, sitting and playing, so you can arrange them on the furniture around the Christmas tree, and creep the hell out of any normal guy like me. I make a throwaway comment:)

Me: “I could really do without these dead children.”

(Later, at lunch, my nine-year-old granddaughter suddenly turns to my wife, and asks:)

Granddaughter: “Grandma, why does Grandpa call the little angels ‘dead children’?”

Grandma: “Yes, honey, why do you call them that?”

(The ungrateful bunch of cockroaches I call “family” put down their utensils and look at me expectantly, stopping short of grabbing popcorn.)

Me: “You know, some people believe that if a little baby dies, they immediately get wings and become angels, so they can fly to visit their families any time they feel sad and alone.”

(My granddaughter looks at me, pondering, then turns to my wife:)

Granddaughter: “Grandpa is also a bit of a joker, right?”

(I still call it a win!)

This Relationship Is A Train-Wreck

, , , | Romantic | August 3, 2017

I am teaching English in the Czech Republic with my boyfriend. After talking me into moving overseas he is hating living there and I am loving it. We are invited to a party with a few other teachers and a bunch of other students.

After 15 minutes (of watching me have a fantastic time), he insists we leave and go on an impromptu road trip to Germany in the shitty little car he insisted we buy while we are there.

As soon as we cross the German border we come across a set of railroad tracks with the border bars coming down. He is confident we can beat the train and against my screaming for him to stop, drives the car under the bars.

The car stalls on the tracks. As we watch the train blaring toward us I am furiously trying to unbuckle my broken seat belt while he is trying to start the car. At the last minute, he makes it.

After thanking God we made it alive, I promised god I would dump him, and I did.

I Want To Taste Your (V)ino

, , | Romantic | June 27, 2017

(It was a perfect evening, and I and my husband are in bed, ready to make it even more perfect.)

Husband: *hugging me and kissing* “Mmm… Love, you smell like merlot.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Husband: “Yes… or maybe the merlot we just had smelled like p***y. You smell wonderful either way.”

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 13

, , , , , | Romantic | June 23, 2015

(I am walking and having a great time with my boyfriend, who is a big nerd. We are walking along a river and I tell a joke about a scientist who wants to impress a girl on the first date.)

Me: “…and she says, ‘Okay, explain this: a cow, a horse, and a deer all eat grass, right? So, why does a cow makes those large wet cakes, a horse poops those horse donuts, and a deer makes those small round droppings?’ The man says, ‘Uh, I do not know.’ And she says, ‘What kind of conversation do you hope for when you don’t know s***?!'”

Boyfriend: *thousand-yard stare, deep in thought* “Well, a cow is a cud-chewing animal, while a horse is not; that is definitely a factor…  And a deer is a wild animal, meaning it must make hard, dry droppings to conserve water, because the wolves always wait near watering places…” *suddenly looks at me and focuses* “Uh, but you wanted me to laugh, right?”

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