(My coworker created a deli-themed rapper alter-ego for himself. Sometimes when we’re not busy, he talks about what his alter-ego would sing about or what his concerts would be like.)

Coworker: “What do you think about this for the cover of the [Deli-Themed Rapper] album?”

(He crouches down with a box of fried chicken in his hand and tries to look tough.)

Me: “I think you should turn around and be like Nicki Minaj.”

(He and our other coworker crack up.)

Me: “My album cover would be my headless body slicing my head on the slicer, while it looks at you and grins horribly.”

Coworker: “Dude, that’s awesome.”

Me: “It’s like something out of Garbage Pail Kids. Or Iron Maiden, if they did deli stuff.”

Coworker: “I think, ‘Iron Maiden if they did deli stuff,’ might be the weirdest phrase I’ve heard all week.”

Me: “Cool. My job is done!”

(I work for a third-party IT company, contracting as an onsite tech for a client. I’ve been frustrated with the job for a while and have finally found a new one. I’ve given notice to my boss, who has let the client know, and their HR person has put the notice in one of their weekly email updates. This situation proves that no one actually reads their emails. This is my last Thursday at the job. The next day, Friday, is my last day.)

Coworker #1: *is having some issues that require a lot of updates to be run* “Can you fix this next week? I’m leaving soon and won’t be back until Monday.”

Me: “I can put a note in your ticket and have one of the other techs check back with you, but tomorrow is my last day.”

Coworker #1: “What?! That’s not possible!”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, it is. The email went out like a week and a half ago.”

Coworker #1: *looking between [Coworker #2] and me* “Why?”

Me: “Um, I got a new job?”

Coworker #1: “But who will I go to for help?”

(While this client does pay for onsite support, they’re not supposed to come directly to our desks for their initial help. Because of the contract, we have to track everything, so unless their machine is literally on fire, they’re supposed to submit a ticket. However, most of them basically refuse to do that for some reason. And we’re not allowed to tell them to go submit a ticket when they’re in our faces; we can do it if they email or instant-message us directly.)

Me: “Well, whoever might be sitting in the IT space. Or, you could submit a ticket.”

Coworker #1: “Oh. Well, you should have told me you were leaving!”

Coworker #2: *makes eye contact and rolls her eyes*

(My dad goes in for a routine operation and dies on the operating table. My family and I are devastated. The supermarket I work for allows two weeks bereavement for the death of a parent, which I take. This is my first day back. Note that I’ve had to deal with a lot of people during my two weeks off, and I’m slightly sick of everybody feeling sorry for me. As a result, I’m a little defensive and harsh around the subject of my father’s death.)

Coworker: “Oh, hi, [My Name]. Good to see you! Did you have a good time off?”

(I know for a fact this coworker knows why I was off, and I give her a quizzical look.)

Me: “Um, not particularly.”

Coworker: “Really?! But I’d love to have two weeks off work, paid. Think of all the fun stuff you could go do!”

Me: “Yes, well, I think I’d rather have my father alive and well. But we can’t always have what we want.”

(I walked away as she stared at me with a shocked look on her face. I think she was just trying to make conversation, or maybe she had forgotten my current situation. Either way, it was a few weeks until she dared talk to me again!)

(At the office where I work, we have one engineer who, despite delivering good work, has a tendency to brag with obviously made-up stories to boost his ego. While this is tolerable — barely — after a while he starts to fabricate stories concerning clients and our business. One day I go to his desk to ask something and there is another worker sitting there.)

Me: “Hi. Where’s [Engineer]? Has he moved desks?”

Coworker: *laughing* “Sort of. You know his story about [Client]? How he cheated them out of a six-digit figure, and how [Boss] thanked him personally because we were on the verge of bankruptcy at that moment?”

Me: *sighs* “Yes, verbatim by now.”

Coworker: “Turns out he told that story to [Intern]…”

Me: “Wait… Isn’t [Intern]’s father working at [Client]?”

Coworker: *grinning* “Yep. [Boss] was able to limit the damage, but [Engineer] is no longer working here.”

(One of my coworkers never shows up on time. She is given one final warning, then agrees to cover on Friday for someone. She never shows. There is a note from my boss stating she was fired and if she comes in, to tell her to leave. On Monday I get a call.)

Coworker: “Hey, I was wondering what I’m scheduled for next week.”

Me: “Uh… You’re not. You were fired, remember?”

Coworker: “What?!”

Me: “Yeah, you were a no-show on Friday. There’s a note stating you’re no longer employed here.”

Coworker: “Well, I had an emergency! I couldn’t come in!”

(She often says she is too tired as an “emergency.”)

Me: “It doesn’t matter; you were suppose to show, or at least call.”

Coworker: “I couldn’t!”

Me: “Why not?”

Coworker: “I was in jail! I just got out! I need the money!”

(She definitely remained fired after that.)