(I work in a supermarket. On the 21st of June, I get a call from my store manager.)

Store Manager: “Can you replace [Coworker #2] tomorrow morning?”

Me: “She called to say that she will be absent?”

Store Manager: “No, but it’s World Music Day tonight, and she is always absent the day after, and always with a doctor’s certificate.”

(She called in on the 22nd of June.)

(I’ve been training a new coworker to work the front desk. One of her tasks will be printing certain documents, most of them two-sided, because we’re trying to save paper. I come back to the desk, after leaving her alone for the first time for just a few minutes.)

Coworker: “I printed out those documents you said to do, but I forgot to do them two-sided like you said, so I did it again.”

Me: “You did it again?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I threw out the first ones and printed them out again double-sided to save paper.”

(She holds up the new prints, looking very proud of herself.)

Me: *barely stops mouth from gaping open like a fish* “Yeah, that’s… that’s not how saving paper works.”

(I’m on a conference call and my side is settled in. Their side is just one person, and we’re waiting on the others. Small talk begins:)

Me: “So, what’s new with you?”

Client: “I was recently consulting for the last firm I worked for.”

Me: “How was that?”

Client: “Great! This time I could really tell them what I thought of things.”

(My associates laugh.)

Me: “I’m jealous.”

(I’m closing out the front desk with a new coworker who just transferred. She’s on the phone.)

Coworker: *to me* “What time does our deli close here?”

(For every customer asking what time a service closes, that’s a customer coming two minutes afterwards “for just one quick thing.” So, I tell her 9:30, almost a half hour before the actual close.)

Coworker: *to customer on phone* “They close at nine o’clock… All right, have a good night.” *hangs up and turns to me* “I gave them an earlier time. Customers would always come up two minutes after they closed out and insisted that ‘it’s just one quick thing.’”

Me: “Yeah, I was considering the same thing. They close at ten.”

Coworker: “Well, they’ve got plenty of time, then.”

(A coworker bursts into my office.)

Coworker: *thrusting a sheet of paper into my hand* “I need you to sign this!”

Me: *after reading the paper* “[Coworker], I can’t sign this. This says you attended [Meeting] yesterday.”

Coworker: “I know; I sort of need an alibi.”

Me: “But this wouldn’t prove anything. [Meeting] is held over instant messenger. All someone has to do it check the record and see you weren’t in it.”

Coworker: “So, you won’t help me? God, you’re so mean now that you’ve been promoted. I could lose my job.”

Me: “What’s the alibi for, anyway?”

Coworker: “I needed to nip out and get a pedicure for my great-aunt’s funeral on Friday, and I can only get it done at [Salon], which is near [Town]. And, well, the parking is really bad, so I took the metro, and I ended up being gone for five hours.”

Me: “Five hours?! You know you could’ve taken compassionate leave?”

Coworker: “And missed ogling at those construction workers across the road? Think straight, [My Name]!” *leaves*

(She probably would have gotten away with her little frolic, had she not acted suspicious and blurted out a fabricated story to her manager, who then followed up on it and discovered the truth. She wasn’t fired, but she lost access to her company car for the rest of the week, meaning she had to pay to drive to the funeral. A rumour started later that month that she decided not to go, and spent all day at home.)