(I work in fast food, and I am naturally used to customers who aren’t paying attention and give answers that make no sense to the question. This customer is a really special case, though. I have just started getting ready to get toppings on their sandwich.)

Me: “All right, what else would you like on here?”

Customer: “Soup.”

(I am a little confused, but I figure they are simply getting ahead of themselves.)

Me: “No, no. I meant on your sandwich?”

Customer: “Soup.”

Me: “What would you like on your sandwich?”

Customer: “Soup!”

(I’m absolutely confused, and I actually think they want me to put a bowlful of soup on their sandwich, but before I do, I try to clarify.)

Me: “Sorry… So… you want soup on your sandwich“

Customer: “What the f*** are you going on about? Who the actual f*** would want something like that. Are you f****** stupid?”

(All this time, there was another customer waiting next in line, laughing at this exchange.)

(I have just given my two-year-old daughter the leftover part of a muffin my wife and I got on a coffee date earlier that day.)

Wife: “Remember that muffin you brought [Daughter] and I from [Coffee Chain] the other day?”

Me: “Yeah, what about it?”

Wife: “Well, I gave it to her for breakfast; she peeled the wrapper off and then ate the bottom, completely ignoring the top.”

Me: “That’s weird.”

Wife: “Yeah, I was like, ‘Sweet, I get the best part,’ but also like, ‘What is wrong with our child?’”

Me: “You do know she’s two and that ‘eating’ a muffin means pulling it apart and finding the chocolate chips, right?”

(My husband is out doing some Christmas shopping. He goes into a chain lingerie store and walks right up to the cashier to purchase a gift card. While that is going on, one of the sales reps on the floor calls over to him in a mocking or joking tone.)

Sales Rep: “What’s the matter, sir? Are you too scared to actually purchase something for your wife?” *laughs*

Husband: “Nooooo, I’m purchasing a gift card for my daughter.”

Sales Rep: “Oh, er, good call!” *walks away quickly*

(A young woman comes into our store and heads for the kids’ section.)

Customer: “Do you have any of those Sam I Am books?”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m not familiar with those.”

Customer: “You know, ‘I am Sam; Sam I am.’”

Me: “You mean Dr. Seuss? Let me see what we have…”

Customer: “No, not that. ‘See Sam run.’ That kind of thing.”

Me: “Oh, you mean like Dick and Jane.”

Customer: “Yeah! That’s it!”

(I guess Dick and Jane got a new dog.)

(At my store, we don’t do holds. I ring up a woman and her total comes to $150.)

Customer: “My husband has my wallet, but he’s walking towards the store. Can I leave my stuff here while I go get it?”

Me: “Yes. We don’t normally do this, but because your husband is walking towards the store, we will.”

(I go on break four hours later, and they haven’t come back yet. My manager insists I put all her stuff back, so I do. Come ten pm, when the store is closing, the couple comes back angry that I put stuff away.)

Customer: “You didn’t say you had a time limit!”

Me: “Well, it’s been six hours, and you told me your husband was walking!”

(She walked around and gathered everything together but didn’t let me ring her up just to be petty.)