I work at a call center for a financial institution. A customer calls in and, after questions and her rambling for about seven of the most confusing minutes of my life, I’m able to determine that she has a credit card and a debit card and she doesn’t know the difference between the two.

The credit card is one that earns points. She got the card six months ago and started spending like there’s no tomorrow so she could earn herself a bunch of reward points.

That alone takes a kind of logic I dare not give myself a stroke trying to figure out. But I digress.

She calls to check on her expected many, many reward points and it turns out that she has… none. This is because she hasn’t been using her credit card, but instead, her debit card.

So now, her checking account is way overdrawn, half her bills didn’t get paid and she wants us — I kid you not — to take all the transactions that have been done on the debit card for the last six months, undo them, and redo them using the credit card so her checking account will be fixed, the bills will get paid, and she’ll have her precious rewards points.

She literally wants us to go back in time and change history.

At least once a week I’ll say to myself, “That’s the most ridiculous, unbelievable thing I’ve ever been asked,” and somewhere a person like this is waiting by the phone going, “Hold my beer.”

I work in a call center for a major cell phone carrier.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]; my name is [My Name]. Can I get your first and last name to get started?”

Customer: “[Customer].”

Me: “Thank you so much. And how are you doing today?”

Customer: “Terrible! How can [Company] get away with hiring such f****** incompetent employees? Get me a supervisor.”

Me: “I’m sorry that you have had such a hard time before reaching me. I’m happy to get you a supervisor, but I will need to fill them in on what is going on. Could you tell me a little bit about the issue you are having?”

Customer: “My f****** bill is too low!”

Me: *Pauses* “Your bill is too low?”

Customer: “I can’t believe the audacity of your company. I was told my bill would be $92 and you are charging me $82. This is an insult to me! I am a world-famous doctor, missy. I am fifty-two years old and my twenty-two-year-old girlfriend is a major soap opera star in the largest city in America, Chicago. You are all so incompetent, I bet you thought the largest city was New York, but you’re wrong. It is Chicago. You all had better make my bill higher, or I’m going to use my influence as the President’s best friend to shut down [Company].”

Me: “Let me assure you that I am here to help. I looked over your bill. It appears to be a little lower this month than expected because of an autopay discount you were due last month which did not appear on your last statement.”

Customer: “I don’t care why it is lower. If you don’t make it what you quoted me, I will shut you down!”

Me: “All right, I don’t normally do this, but as a one-time courtesy for such a long-time and loyal customer, I’ll go ahead and charge you the additional $10. Is there anything else I can help with?”

Customer: *Suddenly very cheerful and accommodating* “No, thank you so much! I spoke with five reps before you, and you have been the only one to actually fix my issue. I’d like to speak with your supervisor to give good feedback!”

Me: “No problem; let me grab someone for you. One moment, please.”

In 2001, I’m a credit card bill collector for clothing stores. After September 11, we stop calling the areas hit by the terrorist attacks for about two months. 

Eventually, we begin calling affected areas again. Our company has a good code of ethics, so we are sympathetic to those affected by that horrible day.

Around November, I contact a customer who lives in New York City. After introductions:

Call Recipient #1: “I’m sorry, but I can’t talk because I’m worried about my roommate. She’s missing in the terrorist attacks.”

I apologize and we end the call.  

A few weeks later, I call her again.

Call Recipient #2: “I’m her roommate. I’m so worried about her; she’s been missing since the terrorist attacks.”

I apologize and we end the call.

At the time, there was a website with a list of the missing and victims of the terror attacks. Thankfully, the customer’s name was not on this list. Otherwise, who was I speaking with in November?

I work in customer service. This incident happened to my coworker, who was sitting in the booth next to mine. Because the conversation was on the phone, we others could only hear our coworker’s side of the conversation.

The call seemed going fine and was mostly one-sided with the customer doing all the talking, while our coworker was mostly just making friendly conversation noises like, “Yeah? Oh, really? Okay,” and the like. Then, we hear these two gems.

Coworker: *In a fake impressed but conversational voice* “So, you’re the chosen one of Allah himself?”

And a little later:

Coworker: *In the same voice* “Oh, you have an IQ of 350? That’s impressive. Then you’re really smart!”

The rest of us all had problems holding our laughter because the conversation was so bizarre, and we were dying to hear what was going on. The call lasted close to an hour, and our coworker told us afterward that this person was (or claimed to be) in a mental hospital and was delusional. The subjects went from one to another, so it was difficult to keep track of it all, but he apparently just needed someone to talk to, since he was a bit lonely and worried about the current world situation.

My coworker did not mind at all talking with the customer and would gladly spend another hour with him if it meant avoiding our regular horror customers.

It’s 2002 and I’m a bill collector for some clothing store credit cards.

Customer: “Can I have my interest rate lowered?”

Me: “The only way to have it lowered is if you qualify for the Soldiers and Sailors Act.”

Customer: “Awww. Why do they get a lower interest rate?”

Me: “Because there’s a war going on.”