(I work in a jail. After some scouring, the Chaplain and I have managed to get together enough gently-used books to update the jail library, including a few movie novelizations. One of these new books, “A Dog’s Purpose,” is picked up by a hardened gang member and career criminal. Later that night, the officers are doing a check in the dorms and find the man curled up on his bunk, crying his eyes out.)

Officer #1: “Hey, you all right?”

Inmate: “I’m all right, CO. I miss my dog.”

Officer #2: “Excuse me?”

Inmate: “My dog, Taco, she’s a little mix breed. My Mama is watching her. God, I miss her.”

Officer #1: “Well, you’re going to court next week, right? Any chance you’ll get out then?”

Inmate: “Yeah, my lawyer said I might get three years probation.”

(Last I heard, the guy did get probation and managed to turn his life around. Seems like everyone who read the book made a change of heart.)

(I am manning the checkout at a bookstore when a woman approaches me.)

Customer: “Hello. Could you show me where the e-books are?”

Me: “As in the readers?”

Customer: “No, the books.”

Me: “The books are electronic. They’re bought online and downloaded to an e-reader.”

Customer: “I know that! But I want to know where they are!”

Me: “Well, [Brand] books are available on [Website], as well as [Other Brand]. We sell vouchers for both of them, if that’s what you’re asking for?”

Customer: *looking at me like I’m stupid* “Can someone else help me? You don’t know.”

Colleague: “Yes, madam?”

Customer: “Where are your e-books?”

Colleague: “The readers are over there.”

Customer: *huffs* “Why can no one answer this simple question?! WHERE ARE THE E-BOOKS?!”

Me: “Madam, I’ve already told you, they’re bought online.”

Customer: “Then what is all this for?!” *gestures to the entire store*

Colleague: “Umm, we’re a bookstore. A… paper… bookstore.”

Customer: “Paper? No one reads on paper anymore! If you aren’t willing to help me, I’ll take my business elsewhere!” *walks out*

(We both look at each other.)

Colleague: “Well, that’s my first crazy for the day, and I only started fifteen minutes ago!”

Me: “[Friend] and I are forming a book club.”

Wife: “Who?”

Me: “[Friend, who I’ve known since childhood].”

Wife: *mumbles something*

Me: “What?”

Wife: “Sounds like a couple of losers.”

Me: “Would a couple of losers be reading something called Eaters Of The Dead by Michael Crichton?”

Wife: “Actually, yes.”

(It’s my first week in the children’s room of the public library and I’m alone at the desk. An older woman approaches. Note that making book recommendations is a pretty standard part of the job.)

Customer: “I’m looking for some nice books.”

Me: “Okay, sure. Are you looking for any specific books?”

Customer: “No, just some nice books.”

Me: “Okay. How old is the kiddo they’re for?”

Customer: “He’s in kindergarten.”

Me: *leading the way back to the picture books* “Is there anything he’s read that he’s really liked?”

Customer: “I don’t think so. I wanted to find him some nice books.”

Me: “Okay.” *begins pulling a few of my favorites* “How about one of these?”

Customer: *looks them over carefully* “No, not these. I wanted some nice books.”

Me: *a little surprised* “I’m sorry. Can you tell me a little bit more about what you’re looking for?”

Customer: “Nice books. Books with nice pictures.”

Me: *pulling some with award-winning illustrators* “Something like these?”

Customer: *looks them over carefully* “No, nice books. Where do you keep your nice books?”

Me: “I’m so sorry, but I don’t understand. Tell me more about what you’re looking for.”

Customer: “Books with nice pictures, that teach a lesson to children.”

Me: *pulling some fables and other books with morals* “How about some these?”

Customer: *looks over each one* “No, nice books. You should have separate section for your nice books!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. Can you tell me any nice books that you’ve already read?”

Customer: “No, I don’t know. Just nice books. You must have some nice books here…”

Me: *giving up* “I’m so sorry. Please have a look around; maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for. “

(She left without checking anything out. When I relayed the story to my coworker, he showed me where we had the “nice” books: books from a publisher that cater to a specific conservative, religious group. It turns out the woman was right, sort of; too bad I had no idea what she was talking about!)

Customer: “I’m trying to find a book about the University.”

Me: “You’ve come to the right place. Let me show you our local interest section.”

(I do so, and the customer looks for the book they want.)

Customer: “I don’t see it.”

Me: “Well, maybe we can special order a copy. Do you know the book’s title?”

Customer: “No, but it’s green.”

Me: “That’s one of our school colors.”

Customer: “Well, it’s about this big.” *motions with his hands*

Me: “Um… I’m going to talk to my manager.”

(I walk into the back of the room. My manager is talking to a semi-retired teacher in his sixties.)

Me: “I have a customer that’s looking for a book, and he only knows that it’s green and about this big.” *motions with hands*

Senior Employee: “Oh, he means that book.”

Me & Manager: “Huh?!”

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