They’ll Be Having A Ball In Prison

, , , , , | Legal | June 8, 2019

There are two small prisons on the outskirts of our little town; one sits right beside the road, and the other you have to drive a half-mile down a dead-end road to get to in the dense woods. Despite this, people will “accidentally” stumble upon the second prison and “lose” their drugs, phones, etc.

But these two guys take the cake.

In the middle of broad daylight, these two guys decide to play football in the woods and then “accidentally” throw their ball over the fence. Once the ball flies over the barbed wire, they take off running back into the woods while the guards call deputies to the scene.

The ball is intercepted by the guards who realize the ball is actually being held together by duct tape. When they open it up, it’s full to the brim with drugs, pills, and cellphones.

The guys are arrested, and to this day have been the most creative in doing a drop-off.

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Will Not Be A Prisoner To Your Annoyances

, , , | Legal | May 12, 2019

(I’ve been working at this prison for a few weeks when I finally get my night shifts. It’s my first night and I’m alone — pretty standard — after finishing my count when a cell bell goes off. I wander down to the cell and open the little door covering the glass panel to find a distinctly Indian man staring at me.)

Me: “Yes?”

Prisoner: “What is your name?”

Me: “OSG [My Surname]. What do you want?”

Prisoner: “Nothing.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I close the hatch and make it all the way back to the office before another cell bell sounds; it’s the same cell. Annoyed, I head back.)

Me: “What?”

Prisoner: “How long have you worked here?”

Me: “Do you actually want something, or are you just trying to piss me off? No? Yes? Bye.”

(Growling, I head back to the office, hoping he’s had enough. I’ve been warned that inmates tend to try this on with “new blood,” so I’m prepped for it. Not five minutes pass before the bell goes again and — surprise, surprise — it’s my new friend.)

Me: “I will report this to the Senior PO and request your television be removed if you keep this up, inmate.”

Prisoner: *clearly realising that, despite being female, I actually have balls* “Erm… I just… Do you want a cup of tea?”

Me: “And how exactly do you propose getting it to me through the four inches of steel that makes up this door? Think about it and let me know when you come up with a solution…”

(Safe to say, I didn’t have any more issues that night.)

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Unfiltered Story #147852

, , | Unfiltered | April 25, 2019

(I work at a Federal penitentiary as an administrative assistant but work in one of the living units rather than one of the administrative buildings. This means that I’m always near inmates at all times. This interaction takes place on a warm summer day as I am walking to the unit in which I work.)

Inmate: “Shouldn’t it be illegal to lock someone up on a day as beautiful as this?”

Me: *with a quizzical look* “I suppose you shouldn’t have committed a crime to land you in prison.”

Inmate: *pauses* “Touché.”

(I roll my eyes and go about my day.)

Hopefully, He Gets Out Within A Dog’s Age

, , , , , | Legal | January 9, 2019

(I work in a jail. After some scouring, the Chaplain and I have managed to get together enough gently-used books to update the jail library, including a few movie novelizations. One of these new books, “A Dog’s Purpose,” is picked up by a hardened gang member and career criminal. Later that night, the officers are doing a check in the dorms and find the man curled up on his bunk, crying his eyes out.)

Officer #1: “Hey, you all right?”

Inmate: “I’m all right, CO. I miss my dog.”

Officer #2: “Excuse me?”

Inmate: “My dog, Taco, she’s a little mix breed. My Mama is watching her. God, I miss her.”

Officer #1: “Well, you’re going to court next week, right? Any chance you’ll get out then?”

Inmate: “Yeah, my lawyer said I might get three years probation.”

(Last I heard, the guy did get probation and managed to turn his life around. Seems like everyone who read the book made a change of heart.)

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Just What Was Up There?

, , , , | Legal Right | October 2, 2018

(I work at the local courthouse. Everyone has to go through security before going inside. Seeing as my town has two state prisons, many citizens are jailbirds! A man deposits his gear into the pan then bolts through the metal detector. The machine starts beeping.)

Security Guard: “Oh? Let me-”

(The man is instantly defensive — red faced and loudly sighing.)

Man: “Yeah, yeah, I know how it goes.” *facing the concrete wall, he spreads his arms and legs, then bends over* “Search me.”

Security Guard: “No, sir” *chuckles* “You don’t have to bend over, not unless we meet under different circumstances.”

(The man remains bent over.)

Man’s Girlfriend: “[Man]! STAND THE F*** UP!”

(Just a normal day going through security…)

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