(I work at an observation deck. On very busy days we have long lines to get up to the deck, and occasionally, lines to get down, as well. A customer stomps her way to the front of the exit line.)

Customer: “I need to get down, now!“

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Right now there is a line to exit. It moves quickly, though. We do our best to get everyone up and down as quickly as possible.”

Customer: “You can’t do this. You’re holding me hostage!”

Me: “You are not being held hostage. You came here on your own free will; now you need to join the line with these other folks to exit.”

Customer: “I’ll have you arrested.”

(The customer called 911. We could hear her on the phone with the 911 operator, telling them she was being held hostage, but that nobody was injured, no hazmat, etc. Meanwhile, I called security and the police officer who works in the building. My police officer came before hers did, and she and her son were escorted out of the building. Funnily, I was never arrested.)

(I work on a switchboard for a major hospital. We take all external and internal calls then direct them to the appropriate department.)

Me: “Good morning, [Hospital].”

Caller: “Hi, can I speak with someone about rescheduling my appointment?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you will need to speak to the outpatients department, and they do not open until nine am; you will have to call back a bit later!”

Caller: “Oh, what time is it now?”

Me: “It’s 8:15.”

Caller: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise it was so early! I hope I didn’t wake you, did I?”

Me: “Um… No?”

(Yes, he was completely serious; he continued on the conversation as normal after that! I’ll never know if it was just an instinctive reaction for him to say that, or if he genuinely thinks we sleep when there are no calls?)

(I work in a popular chain coffee shop, and it is getting late. The phone rings, and I answer it.)

Me: “[Coffee Shop]. This is [My Name], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I’m driving this truck, and I’m trying to find you, but I’m having trouble. Are you inside [Bookstore]?”

Me: “No, sir. We’re a standalone store. If you’re driving by [Bookstore], we’re on the opposite end of that same shopping center.”

Customer: “Okay, I’m headed that wa—” *he suddenly sounds very animated and starts shouting excitedly* “HOLY S***, LOOK AT THE MOON!”

Me: “The… moon, sir?”

Customer: “It’s so big! It’s beautiful! Holy s***!” *after a moment he regains his composure* “So, you’re over here by [Electronics Store]?”

Me: “Uh, yes, sir. Just keep driving and you’ll see our logo.”

Customer: *very excited again* “Oh, yeah! I see that b****! I’ll be in in a second!”

Me: *can’t help but chuckle* “Okay, sir. See you soon.”

(I hung up, and moments later he came in, just delighted to be there.)

(It’s my second day of working a new job as quality assurance. I was warned that production hates quality assurance people because the job is to find the mistakes and make people do things all over again. I’m very friendly, easy going, and sarcastic, and it doesn’t hurt that I’m a woman who is 110 pounds soaking wet, so I don’t look scary. On my first day, I make friends with 90% of production. No one is getting mad at me for sending things back. On day two, this happens. I walk up to the line. [Coworker #1] on my right is putting product in boxes. [Coworker #2] on my left is moving the boxes to a shrink wrapper.)

Me: “All right, guys, I’m here to ruin your day.”

Coworker #2: “F*** this s***! I’m out!” *walks away*

Me: “Woah.”

Coworker #1: “Where is he going?”

Me: “I don’t know. He literally just said, ‘F this S. I’m out,’ and now he’s out. What did I do?”

Coworker #1: “Nothing. He’s just lazy.”

Me: “All he had to do was push a thing into another thing!”

Coworker #1: “Yep.”

(I was still freaked out that my little joke made him quit for about three minutes, until I heard someone won the pool on when that guy would quit.)

(I explain our extended warranty to the customer.)

Me: “So, do you want that?”

Customer: *while shaking head no* “Yes.”

Me: “Okay… So… Yes?”

Customer: *while shaking head no* “Yes.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I grab the form for the warranty and start to put the sku in the till.)

Customer: “Don’t you understand?”

Me: “I guess not. Do you want the plan?”

Customer: *shaking head no* “YES!”

Me: “So… Yes, then? You want it?”

Customer: *shaking head no* “YES! Don’t you know what that means?”

Me: “No, I don’t.”

Customer: “No! IT MEANS NO!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but you were shaking your head no but saying yes, so of course I would be confused.”