(One of our clients has home damage and is filing a claim. He hands in the damage report personally at the office. My colleague scans it and puts it through to the corresponding department. My coworker picks up the claim and the report. He flips through the report and his eyes grow.)

Coworker: “Is… is this the right file?”

Me: “How come?”

Coworker: “This is an autopsy report!”

(I’ve been receiving spam calls from a beauty centre lately. When I try to get them to stop calling me, this conversation ensues.)

Caller: “Hi, is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Who is this?”

Caller: “I’m calling from [Beauty Centre]. You signed up for two free slimming sessions.”

Me: “No, I didn’t.”

(I definitely can’t afford it, so I’ve never signed up for any such treatments.)

Caller: *quickly changing tack* “Congratulations! You have won two free slimming sessions!”

Me: “Didn’t you just say I’d signed up for it? And now you say I’ve won it.”

Caller: “Yes, you signed up for it, so you won two free sessions.”

Me: “Thanks, but I don’t want it; please remove my name from your database.”

Caller: “But you won it.”

Me: “I don’t want it.”

(I’ve heard enough stories about these so-called free giveaways; you need to sign up for a thousand-dollar package to receive the free sessions, and they won’t let you leave until you do.)

Caller: “Then do you want to pass it to a friend?”

Me: “No, thanks. Just remove my name.”

Caller: “You have to pass it to a friend or take it yourself. Otherwise, we will still call you.”

Me: “I don’t want it, and I don’t want to give it to a friend. Just remove my name from your database.”

Caller: “I can’t do that; you have to take it or give it to a friend. Otherwise, we’ll still keep calling you.”

Me: “Let me get this straight. You want to give me two free sessions. But I don’t want it. So, you want me to give it to a friend, to whom you would have to give two free sessions, as well? But I don’t want to give it to my friend. So, you don’t have to give away free sessions. However, you’re still going to forcibly give me the two free sessions, failing which you’ll continue to call and harass me?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “You want to give away your services for free that badly?”

(I am working the floor and see a customer in our mask section trying on clown masks and scaring his girlfriend. I like to suggest a chainsaw to go with the mask because people like the prop to take pictures with.)

Me: “You know, these chainsaws go really good with the clown masks.” *offering him a chainsaw I brought over*

Customer: “You know what else goes with a clown mask? A neighborhood filled with white rich people that feel entitled!”

(Mind you, he appears to fit this description.)

Me: *very confused and not quite sure what to say* “Um, yeah. Well, have a wonderful evening and let me know if I can help you with anything.”

(His girlfriend gave me a look like this wasn’t a rare thing. I and the rest of the employees had a good laugh over my first time having a customer outburst.)

(For one reason or another, my friend celebrates her birthday on Halloween, even though she was born mid-November. I don’t mind people celebrating their birthdays earlier or later than the actual day, I’ve done it myself, too… but… well… This takes place the morning of Halloween. I tell my friend I am not able to attend her party this year weeks in advance, and I remind her again.)

Me: “Hey, [Friend]! I’m sorry I won’t be there tonight, but I got you a little birthday present to make up for it!”

Friend: “Y-You’re… what?! You’re coming tonight!”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t… My parents want me to chaperone my little brother and his friends while they trick-or-treat tonight. I thought I told you this a little while ago?”

Friend: “I thought you were going to cancel that?! Tonight is supposed to be special!”

Me: “Well… what were you planning on doing?”

Friend: “I was going to have my mom make me some dinner, and then we’d stay in and watch [Series she is obsessed with, though I don’t much care for] all night!”

Me: “I’m sorry. But my little brother is dying to go trick-or-treating tonight, and my parents aren’t able to go with him.”

Friend: “What’s so special about tonight that it’s more important than my birthday?!”

Me: “Um… Halloween? You know… spooks and treats and costumes? You weren’t even born on Halloween, though.”

Friend: “So?! It’s my day! It’s more important! Either you come tonight or I’m done talking with you!”

Me: “Well, my brother kind of comes first… especially his safety.”

Friend: “I hope you get hit by a car or mugged or something. That’ll teach you to place something so stupid over my f****** birthday.”

Me: “YOU WERE BORN NOVEMBER 18TH!”

Friend: “F*** off, you b****!”

(I just walk away and continue with the rest of the school day. Later that night, while my little brother and his friends are finishing up their costumes, I get a text from my friend.)

Friend: “Hey! I’m sorry about earlier. I’m so glad you changed your mind! I can’t wait to see you tonight!”

(I was genuinely confused, as I hadn’t spoken to her since that morning, never mind cancel on my brother. I ignored her and went out trick-or-treating with my little brother. I admit I was a little bummed out, and my brother noticed… and as sweet as he was, he revealed he brought an extra bag for me so I could get candy, too. I got a decent amount that night and all of us got back safe and sound, having a great night! I didn’t exactly hear the end of it, though, as the next day my friend laid into me about ignoring her, and about how her party and TV marathon was more important than the safety of some brats. I don’t speak with her anymore.)

(I work with veterans attending school to utilize their education benefits. I call this student about paperwork needed to start his benefits. Throughout this call, I can hear a lot of background noise with the student occasionally being muffled.)

Student: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, [Student]. This is [My Name] at [University]. is now a good time to talk?”

Student: “Uh, no, I’m at work. Can I give you a call back?”

Me: “No problem. I’ll send you an email about what I was going to discuss and my contact info will be included if you have any questions.”

Student: “Well, wait. Can you just tell me why you’re calling?”

Me: “I would have to verify your information first, starting with your student ID.”

(This is to adhere to FERPA regulations.)

Student: “Oh, I’m not sure if I remember that. Um… is it…”

(There are more loud noises in the background.)

Me: “Not quite. If you’re busy, I can still send an email to the account we have on file and I’ll include your student ID so you have it when you call back.”

(The student makes a few more attempts at the ID while it is clear he is trying to do his job and communicate with other people there before finally conceding he needs to call back later. Later, when the student follows up…)

Student: “Sorry about that call earlier. I’m a police officer and I was on a scene where a guy had just been stabbed. I was trying to help load him into an ambulance, but I didn’t want to miss your call if it was important.”

Me: *pause* “Oh, that’s not a problem; we’re able to take care of everything now.”

(Assisting a stabbing victim is a pretty good reason to ignore your school; in the future, please just hang up!)