Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. May I help you?”
Customer: “How do you fix Debian?”
Me: “Depends on what the problem is. What are some of the issues you’re having?”
Customer: “I paid $700 for it! It should work PERFECTLY!”
Me: “Ma’am, Debian is free. If you paid $700 for it, all that means is that you’re an idiot.”
Customer: “Really?”
Me: “Yep. Anything else I can do for you?”
Customer: *click*
(I am working at the express lane one Sunday morning, and this family comes in. They purchase a few things, and their total comes up to $6.66.)
Customer: *looks at total in horror and points to son* “Quick, get some candy, gum, anything!”
(His son then proceeds to throw a box of Tic Tacs at me.)
Customer: “I will not have the Devil’s number as my total!”
Me: “Thank you, sir. Have a nice day!”
This story is featured in our Religious Customers roundup!
Customer: “I want the cheesecake sandwich with provolone, double meat, and extra veggies.”
Me: “The cheesesteak already comes with double meat. It will be a few extra dollars if I add more. We don’t have provolone; what cheese would you like instead?”
Customer: “You’re kidding, right? I’m not paying $10 for a sandwich! And without provolone! Just give me the extra meat. You don’t have to weigh it exactly. No one will know!”
Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
(I weigh the meat to the correct portion and put it on the sandwich.)
Customer: “That’s too much meat! What are you doing?”
Me: “Actually, this is the correct portion. Would you like me to take some off?
Customer: “Only if you lower the price. I said add more meat, so ADD it! And why don’t you have provolone? [Competitor] has it… and where are the veggies?”
Me: “It typically doesn’t come with them, but I can add tomato, onions, lettuce, olives, or mushrooms.”
Customer: “I can only pick ONE?”
Me: “No… any or all of them.”
Customer: “All of those are gross! God, who would eat that?”
Me: “…so no veggies?”
Customer: “Are they free?”
Me: “Yes…”
Customer: “Put them all on, and I’ll just pick off whatever I don’t like.”
Me: “Okay, thank you…” *smiling, thinking it’s over*
(After I finish the sub, the customer argues with the cashier over the price of the sub, demanding a discount.)
Customer: “This place is so expensive and I can’t even get provolone! The veggies are all mixed together! This isn’t like [Competitor] at all! I didn’t even want half of them! Where is your manager?”
Me: “Hi, can I help you?”
Customer: “You again!”
(The customer makes a pissed-off face, and then opens the sub. They start picking it apart on the counter.)
Customer: “Your cashier is trying to ring me up, but that’s not the price! Refund me or I’m never coming here again!”
Me: “Actually, I just made that for you. You didn’t want the meat removed, so it is that price. I can remake it if you’d like, with less meat. Or would you still like a refund?”
Customer: “Never mind!” *throws sub in trash and leaves without paying*
(Just… wow.)
Me: “Hello, [Bakery]. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Hey, you sound tired.”
Me: “Um… yes? How may I help you?”
Customer: “Rough night last night? I heard you were busy.”
Me: “Sir?”
Customer: “Partying worn you out, huh? Well, hopefully, you aren’t too worn out when you come home if you know what I mean.”
Me: “Sir, this is [Bakery]. I believe you’ve dialed the wrong number.”
Customer: “Well, s***.”
Me: “…yes.”
Customer: “Do YOU want to come over later?”
Me: “No.” *click*
This story is part of the Peculiar Customers roundup!
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(A man walks through the service door into the kitchen of the restaurant. I work the drive-thru, right next to the service door.)
Me: “Can I help you?”
Man: “Hi, I’d like to order some food.”
Me: “Um, I think you went in the wrong door, sir.”
Man: “No, I didn’t. That door says ‘service’ on it.”
Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to go up front to the dining room.”
Man: “Can’t you just take my order here?”
Me: “Um, I suppose…”
(I take his order, make his drink, and the cooks make his food. I hand it to him.)
Man: “Thanks! I’ll be sure to come back!”
Me: “Can you use the main door next time?”
Man: “Why? I got such good service through the service door!”
(As soon as he left the cooks and I burst out laughing.)
This story is part of the Drive-Thru roundup!
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