(It is just before Christmas and my parents and I have flown interstate to spend the holidays with my sister. We are all heading down the highway back to her house, with my sister and mum in the backseat chatting away and me sitting shotgun, leaving my dad driving. We end up taking an exit too soon. Had my dad taken the correct exit, the speed limit we are traveling at, 100km/h, would have continued for some time. But instead, the speed limit for the exit we do take rapidly drops down to 80, and my dad, in his flustered state at having gotten lost, misses all the speed signs. Lo and behold, there are the cops. We get pulled over.) 

Officer: *to my dad* “You were doing 96 in an 80 zone.”

Dad: “We are visiting my sister, and I am unfamiliar with the roads.”

(When my flustered dad ends up starting to repeat himself, the officer cuts him off saying that he will be back after checking his license. In Western Australia, if you’re found speeding at up to 9km/h over you only get a $70 and no demerit points; however, at 10 to 19 over it’s $330 and two demerit points. Considering it’s just before Christmas, it’s double-demerit point season, leaving my dad facing a $660 fine and four demerit points. My mum is now having a go at my dad, getting him worked up, and he proceeds to enter what we call “the bombastic mode,” and as such, all information will go in one ear and out the other.)

Officer: *returns to the car* “Because you are travelling interstate and visiting family, and it’s the holiday season, I’m going to be lenient with the charge and only book you at the lower offence: $140 and zero demerits.”

(Bombastic Mode Dad proceeds to not take a word of this in and starts arguing with the officer, again saying how we had gotten lost etc. I lean over, grab his arm, look him dead in the eye, and say:)

Me: “Shut the f*** up.”

(I then look over at the officer, smile, and say:)

Me: “Thank you, officer. My dad really does appreciate you only fining him for a minor offence and not the higher offence, for which—” *death glares my dad* “—HE IS 100% AT FAULT. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a pleasant day, and don’t have to deal with any more morons today.”

(I release my tight grip on his arm and sit back. My dad then sheepishly takes the ticket and his license and thanks the officer, and the officer walks back to the patrol car.)

Mum: “You’re a f****** idiot.”

(I start working in retail when I am 25. I’ve always looked younger than I am, but after about a year of working in the store, I have a conversation with a customer I doubt I’ll ever forget. At the end of the transaction:)

Customer: “You should quit and go back to school.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You should quit this useless job and go back to school so you can do something with your life.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve already graduated from high school.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me; you need to go back and finish so you can do something useful instead of this.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m 26. I’ve graduated from high school. I’ve done a year and a half at university. I worked in child care for six and a half years. I switched to retail for something different.”

Customer: “There’s no way you’re 26; go back to school and stop making up stories.”

(I happen to have my license in my pocket that day, so I take it out and show her my date of birth.)

Me: “Ma’am, as you can see, I’m 26, nearly 27. I graduated from high school a decade ago this November.”

Customer: “I still don’t believe you.”

Me: “You don’t have to. Have a nice day.”

(My mum and I are at the airport waiting for my dad to arrive. On the arrival doors, it says:)

Arrival Door Sign: “The best Christmas present is about to walk through these doors!”

Mum: “Can we send it back if we don’t like it?”

Me: “How about regifting?”

(I work for a reputable car company and am driving a courtesy van to drop off and pick up customers from the train station. A guy opens the door:)

Guy: “Drop me and my Mrs. at the airport.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I’m not a taxi and I’m only a courtesy car to bring customers back to the service centre to pick up their car.”

Guy: “You are f****** useless and should get a real job.”

Me: “You’re the useless one that can’t see the giant logo and brand name that stretches across the length of the van.”

(I’m sitting in the doctor’s office and see two old biddies greet each other and have a nice, friendly chat, asking after each other’s families and discussing their doings for the week. When the first one leaves, the second one turns to the receptionist and says:)

Old Lady: “Who was that lady? I don’t know who she is!”