(Working in a psychology department main office.)

Caller: “Do you have the courses for a psychology graduate degree posted on your website?”

Me: “Let me check… yes, they are posted on our website.”

Caller: “But I can’t find them!”

(I spend a couple of minutes navigating her through our website. Once we’re at the right page…)

Me: “Is that all?”

Caller: “Well she’s a sophomore, so is this what she needs?”

Me: “No, if she’s an undergraduate she’ll need something else.”

(I navigate her to our undergraduate listings.)

Caller: “BUT, these are all PSYCHOLOGY classes!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s what you asked for….”

Caller: “No, I wanted the English requirements!”

Me: “For an English degree?”

Caller: “No the English requirements for a psychology degree!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you want the Gen Ed requirements for all bachelor’s degrees?”

Caller: “YES! That’s what I want!”

(This call continues for many more minutes in which I explain that she should already have a huge packet on that from when her daughter started college. When she insists that they never got that, I actually navigate her over to the admission website, talk her through downloading the packet (a 600-page PDF), and have to explain not only what page to turn to, but where to look on the page. For her daughter’s sake, let’s hope it’s not hereditary.)

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College Girl #1: “Our friend is registered here, but we can’t find her name on the computer.”

College Girl #2: “Yeah, it’s broken.”

College Girl #1: “She’s like one of our best friends and we need to get her a present.”

College Girl #2: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh, okay, well let’s try it again.”

(We walk over to the gift registry kiosk.)

Me: “So is your friend registered for a wedding or baby shower?”

(The two girls look at each other confused.)

College Girl #2: “…Wedding?”

Me: “Okay…what’s her first name?”

College Girl #1: “Sarah…”

Me: “Is that with an ‘h’ at the end, or is it just S-A-R-A?”

(The two girls look at each other confused.)

Me: “Okay, well the computer can search using the first two letters of the first name, so we’ll just put in S-A. And what is her last name?”

College Girl #1: *says something unintelligible that sounds like “Pheuyben”*

Me: “And how do you spell it?”

(The girls look at each other confused.)

College Girl #2: “Um…”

College Girl #1: “Uh…”

Me: “Does it start with an ‘f’ or a ‘p-h’?”

College Girl #1: “P-h.”

College Girl #2: “F.”

(The girls look at each other confused. Oh. My. God. If I had “best friends” like that I’d swallow some Drano.)

(This is where I entered the conversation.)

Lady Customer: “Yes, I have at home a ‘widows’ computer. Will the software work on a ‘widows’ computer?”

(We have a clock at the wild animal park that chimes every fifteen minutes. A guest walked up to my ticket booth and asked me a question…)

Guest: “What do those chimes mean?”

Me: “Those tell us what time it is.”

Guest: “Oh. Does that mean we have to leave the park?”

Me: (I’m trying really hard not to laugh) “No. It’s only noon and the park closes at 8 pm.”

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Customer: “What kind of nut is in the pistachio?”

Me: “…you can’t be serious.”

Customer: “No, really, what kind of nut is in the pistachio?”

Me: “Pistachio.”