Customer: “Hello, I’d like to return this gas cooker…”
Me: “Sure, what’s the problem with it, madam?”
Customer: “The picture on the front of the box shows meat, although when I opened the box there was no meat inside…”
Me: *In astonishment* “Okay, I’ll just go and get my manager…”
(This one came from my manager. A customer called Target and asked about a jacket that was on sale.)
Customer (very snooty): “Hello, I would like to know if you have any Corbin Wells jackets in stock.”
My Manager: “Corbin Wells? I don’t think we sell that brand.”
Customer (getting angry): “Well, it’s on page ten in your ad!”
My Manager: “Let me see.” *she turns to page ten* “Ma’am, page ten is electronics.”
Customer (extremely angry): “You DO have the ad in front of you, don’t you?”
My manager: “Yes, I have the TARGET ad in front of me.”
Customer: “Oh, Target? That’s not the ad I’m looking at.”
My manager: “What ad are you looking at, ma’am?”
Customer (still snooty): “Kohl’s.” *click*
Customer: “I need a door.”
Me: “What kind of door?”
Customer: “You’re the professional!”
Me: “…”
Me: “Where are you going while passing through this door, and where are you leaving?”
Customer: “Garage from the kitchen.”
Me: “Great, and what size is the door that’s there now?”
Customer: “They make them in different sizes?”
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(Working in a psychology department main office.)
Caller: “Do you have the courses for a psychology graduate degree posted on your website?”
Me: “Let me check… yes, they are posted on our website.”
Caller: “But I can’t find them!”
(I spend a couple of minutes navigating her through our website. Once we’re at the right page…)
Me: “Is that all?”
Caller: “Well she’s a sophomore, so is this what she needs?”
Me: “No, if she’s an undergraduate she’ll need something else.”
(I navigate her to our undergraduate listings.)
Caller: “BUT, these are all PSYCHOLOGY classes!”
Me: “Ma’am, that’s what you asked for….”
Caller: “No, I wanted the English requirements!”
Me: “For an English degree?”
Caller: “No the English requirements for a psychology degree!”
Me: “Ma’am, do you want the Gen Ed requirements for all bachelor’s degrees?”
Caller: “YES! That’s what I want!”
(This call continues for many more minutes in which I explain that she should already have a huge packet on that from when her daughter started college. When she insists that they never got that, I actually navigate her over to the admission website, talk her through downloading the packet (a 600-page PDF), and have to explain not only what page to turn to, but where to look on the page. For her daughter’s sake, let’s hope it’s not hereditary.)
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College Girl #1: “Our friend is registered here, but we can’t find her name on the computer.”
College Girl #2: “Yeah, it’s broken.”
College Girl #1: “She’s like one of our best friends and we need to get her a present.”
College Girl #2: “Yeah.”
Me: “Oh, okay, well let’s try it again.”
(We walk over to the gift registry kiosk.)
Me: “So is your friend registered for a wedding or baby shower?”
(The two girls look at each other confused.)
College Girl #2: “…Wedding?”
Me: “Okay…what’s her first name?”
College Girl #1: “Sarah…”
Me: “Is that with an ‘h’ at the end, or is it just S-A-R-A?”
(The two girls look at each other confused.)
Me: “Okay, well the computer can search using the first two letters of the first name, so we’ll just put in S-A. And what is her last name?”
College Girl #1: *says something unintelligible that sounds like “Pheuyben”*
Me: “And how do you spell it?”
(The girls look at each other confused.)
College Girl #2: “Um…”
College Girl #1: “Uh…”
Me: “Does it start with an ‘f’ or a ‘p-h’?”
College Girl #1: “P-h.”
College Girl #2: “F.”
(The girls look at each other confused. Oh. My. God. If I had “best friends” like that I’d swallow some Drano.)
