Customer: “I had this great wine at dinner the other night and I’d love to find it again!”

Me: “Okay, great! Do you remember what it’s called?”

Customer: *a bit embarrassed* “Oh, gosh, I don’t.”

Me: *unsurprised* “That’s okay; I’m sure we can find it or something like it! Do you remember what kind of wine it was?”

Customer: “Um…”

Me: “Like a Cabernet, or a Chardonnay, or…”

Customer: “Um…”

Me: *realizing I’m actually stressing them out instead of helping and figuring I’ll go back to basics* “Okay, no worries! Was it a white or a red?”

Customer: “You know, I’m not sure!”

Me: *completely stalled*

(I work in an adult store, and in order to enter, you have to be at least 18 years old. A group of customers have just started walking into the store when I notice one of them has a baby with her.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t bring your baby in here. Anybody that comes in has to be at least 18 years old.”

Customer #1: *with a blank stare* “You have got to be s***ting me!”

(The customers agree that one of the women in the group will buy what she needs, then go outside and watch the baby so the mother can come back in. About ten minutes later, the mother comes back in without her baby. Note, it is ten pm at night and dark out.)

Customer #2: “Where is the baby?”

Customer #1: “Oh, she fell asleep, so I left her in the car.”

Customer #2: “Did you at least lock the doors?”

Customer #1: “Oh, that might be a good idea!” *runs to the door and uses the automatic locks to lock the car*

Me: *stands there with a shocked expression not sure what to do*

(Thankfully, they all did their shopping pretty fast and were out of the store within a few minutes. I still can’t believe that first she tried to bring her kid into an adult store… and then left the baby unattended, at night, in the car!)

(I work at a fast food joint that’s connected to a gas station. We open at six in the morning, but the gas station is open 24 hours. At night, there’s only one person in the gas station. Just as my coworkers and I are opening for the day, a few seconds after we unlock the doors and turn the lights on in the lobby, this guy comes in.)

Guy: “I want to speak to your manager.”

(I tell my manager that someone is here and wants to talk to her. She comes over and signs me into the register, but he just stares and doesn’t say anything until she goes in to the back.)

Guy: “Did you just clock in?”

Me: “No, I was just getting logged into the register. What can I get for you today?”

(He looks around nervously and scans the parking lot behind him from the counter. He then mumbles something and leaves. I go and tell my other coworkers about this guy. A little bit later, one of my coworkers is in the back stock room where the back drive-thru window is. She spots him at the window looking inside, studying the stockroom. They stare at each other for a few seconds, but then she freaks out and runs away. We then go tell the people working at the gas station, and they say that he has been here since two am and spent three hours in the bathroom. They say they should have called the cops but didn’t because they thought he was just a dumba**. After the shift change in the gas station, one of the managers over there calls the cops because the guy’s car is still there but no one knows where he is. The cops come, and we tell them what happened, and then I spot him out in the parking lot trying to get in his car. He then goes to the gas station and asks:)

Guy: “So, I guess the cops have my car keys, huh?”

Gas Station Employee: “No, but the cops are on their way.”

(He is standing right by their office, and then he disappears. We’re told to keep an eye out for him if he comes back. It turns out he has gone into the gas station’s office and stockroom and is trying to hide in there! One of the employees spots him in there after a while and goes and tells the cops, who are standing around outside. The guys runs out of the office and into our lobby and he asks us:)

Guy: “Uh, you guys got anyone off that can give me a ride somewhere? I need to get out of here.”

(The cops cornered him. We later found out that the guy was wanted in two different states and was arrested!)

(The store I work at is one of the first in the area to get chip card readers. If the card has a chip, the card scanner won’t allow the customer to swipe. At this point, our store has had the chip card reader for about six months, and we’re still one of the only places to use it. The customer swipes his card and I hear the reader beep.)

Me: “Oh, you have a chip card! Just insert it in the bottom there and leave it until it tells you to take it out.”

Customer: *inserts his card* “You know, I really don’t like this new system. It’s much easier to just swipe.” *he takes his card back out*

Me: “Oh, you didn’t leave it in long enough. Try that again, and it’ll tell you when you can take it out.”

Customer: “Okay, fine.”

(He inserts his card again, and takes it out when the reader asks if he wants cash back.)

Customer: “This process takes too long.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you took your card out too early again. Try again, and it’ll tell you on the screen when you can take your card out, and it’ll beep obnoxiously.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *puts card in and takes it out too early again*

Me: “That was still too early.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for this. Here.” *hands me a $100 bill*

Me: “All right, out of a hundred.” *I open my till to make change and notice another potential problem* “I’m out of tens and fives, so you’ll be getting a lot of ones. Is that okay?”

Customer: “Whatever! I just want to get out of here.”

(I had to bite my tongue about how if he had just listened to instructions, he’d be gone already.)

(It’s a slow night and I’m the cashier at [National Drug Store Chain]. A woman comes in and walks around for a few minutes on her phone. She eventually comes to the checkout counter with cat litter and a cream-filled chocolate egg. She’s still on the phone.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, that’s $9.79.”

(Still on the phone, not paying attention, she swipes her credit card. The credit card terminal beeps, alerting me that her card is equipped with the chip thing.)

Me: “Go ahead and insert the chip for me.”

(It should be noted for the non-Americans that the chip-reader is a new-fangled thing over here. I know it’s been around for decades elsewhere, but here it’s only been around for a few months and most people still can’t figure it out.)

Customer: *still on phone, inserts chip* “Yeah, I’m here at [Rival National Drugstore Chain across the street] getting kitty litter and chocolate.”

(She is clearly not paying attention to the credit card terminal’s dire warning of “DO NOT REMOVE CARD,” so she removes her card. A man is now standing behind her in line and the computer is not responding, thanks to her idiocy.)

Me: *loudly, so the other customer knows what happened* “Yeah, you removed the card too early, so I have to reboot the computer and wait for the manager to sign me into the other register.” *on intercom* “[Manager] to the front, please.”

(The manager is busy upstairs in the stockroom, so it takes him a solid three minutes to come to the front.)

Customer: *to her phone* “This is unbelievable! The friggin’ cashier at [Rival Drugstore] can’t figure out how to ring me up for these two little things. I’ve been standing here forever.” *she wanders around*

(The manager finally shows up, and I sign in and check out the man behind her in line, since the woman is a good fifteen feet away.)

Me: *loud enough for the woman on the phone to hear* “I’m so sorry for the wait, sir, but some people don’t know how to read stuff like, ‘DO NOT REMOVE YOUR CARD.’”

(The customer was STILL on her phone, but very quietly paid and slunk out.)