You Have To Behave Like An Adult To Shop Here

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: 420sealions | December 7, 2020

I work in an adult store. The stories I could tell just from my year here could fill a book, particularly because I work in a rather “methy” small town in Canada. I also work late shifts most nights so, it gets interesting.

I’m incredibly upbeat and cheery; that’s just naturally how I am and it works great to deescalate situations. So, imagine me genuinely smiling and being helpful through all this.

One night, I have two fine glossy-eyed specimens enter my store. They set off a few retail red flags immediately, so I keep an eye out but offer my assistance and don’t bother them while they look around. Everything in my store is under a magnet lock so I have to come over and unlock whatever product they want off the hook. They ask me to come and grab a few items off the wall and put them behind the counter while they continue to browse.

As I head back to the counter, I hear a tell-tale cardboard rip noise and see that the lady has ripped a box of lingerie off the hook and is examining it — while swaying drunkenly, mind you. I walk over.

Me: *Gently* “Can I have that, please? That way I can tape the box back up, since the box is all mangled.”

As I’m turning around to do this, she rips off another one.

I turn back around.

Me: *Calmly* “Hey, could you just be careful not to rip the merchandise off? I can grab anything if you want to look at it.”

Woman: *Slurring* “I’m sorry! I was just trying to see the back.”

Me: “It’s not an issue.”

It’s probably just heavy, drunk hands. So, I take both items back behind the counter to fix.

As I do this, the drunk husband walks up to the counter and raises his voice at me as his wife continues to look around.

Husband: “We’re not spending any more f****** money here. We would, but we don’t want to buy anything else from you.”

Me: “Because I asked her very nicely to be careful with the products?”

Husband: “IT’S NOT LIKE SHE DID IT ON PURPOSE! I’m coming back tomorrow to speak to your boss!”

Me: “Okay, for sure, feel free! I’m just doing my job, making sure stuff doesn’t get damaged. Anything else I can help you with?”

My boss will honestly probably tell the guy to f*** off.

Husband: “NO. We’re leaving.”

The woman is looking intently at the wall of vibrators.

Woman: “Wait, hold on. I like this one.”

Husband: “Babe, let’s go. We’re f****** leaving. Now.

Woman: “Wait!”

Husband: *Practically screaming* “NO! NOW!”

Me: “Can I help you choose from any of those?”

Husband: “I SAID WE’RE F****** GOING NOW!”

Woman: “One more minute. Does this one recharge?”

Me: *With a smile* “No, not that one! But I do have this one over here that’s 40% off and is rechargeable.”

Woman: “It comes in pink?”

Me: “Yup, right here!”

Woman: “And it’s waterproof?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

Woman: “Yeah, I’ll take that!”

The husband stood with his arms crossed and brows furrowed while I grabbed the products for them, and then he had to fork over $350 for all the stuff they grabbed. I happily bagged it all and asked all the basic questions, followed up by my best wishes for a lovely evening. And I smiled because he didn’t say another word, and I make commission.

My boss messaged me later to let me know that if the dude calls and tries to complain, he’ll be asked kindly not to shop at our stores anymore. My boss doesn’t put up with abuse of his staff and that’s why I love him.

Oh, and I took down the guy’s license plate and gave 911 a little tip that there was a possible drunk guy in a big truck who had just left the shop.

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Next Time, Date An Adult

, , , , | Right | June 13, 2020

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a while, and since she has never been to an adult store, I decide to take her. When we are in the parking lot, I tell her to get her license ready and she says she doesn’t have it. I suggest that we go back for it since it isn’t too far, or that we could try to go in anyway and see if we get carded. I’m a few years older and haven’t been getting carded anywhere lately. We decide to see if we will get carded and walk in.

Employee: “Hi, welcome to [Adult Store]. I just need to see your driver’s licenses, please.”

I show her mine.

Girlfriend: “I forgot mine at home.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but I need to see ID.”

I start to turn around, but my girlfriend starts to argue with the employee.

Girlfriend: “I’m twenty years old.”

Employee: “I’m sorry. I still can’t let you in without ID.”

Girlfriend: *Gestures at me* “But she’s twenty-seven. Can’t she be my legal guardian or something?”

Employee: “I need to see both of your ID’s.”

Me: “Come on. Let’s go back for your license; it’s not that far.”

My girlfriend starts to get really snotty.

Girlfriend: “I’m twenty. I’m in college. I go to John Carroll. Do you know where John Carroll is?”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in without your license.”

Girlfriend: “I go to John Carroll.”

Me: “Honey, they have to check. She could probably lose her job if she doesn’t check—”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, whatever. We weren’t going to buy anything, anyway.”

My girlfriend stormed out. I followed her, calling, “Sorry!” over my shoulder. I was so incredibly embarrassed! We later broke up over her immature behavior.

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A Hole In Their Knowledge Base That Is Being Filled In  

, , , , | Right | September 17, 2019

(I work at an adult store. It’s pretty quiet and I spend most of my time watching YouTube videos or surfing the Internet. I just had a customer walk in and after 30 minutes of her walking around she finally comes up to talk to me.)

Me: “Hi. How may I help you?”

Woman: “I’m confused. What do you do with all these toys?”

Me: “Anything really. But mostly you just find a hole and stick it in.”

Woman: “What about this?” *holds up a battery-operated toy*

Me: “Find a hole and stick it in.”

Woman: “And this one?” *battery-less toy* 

Me: “Find a hole and stick it in; you may start to see a pattern here.”

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Can Baby Say Handcuffs?

, , , , | Right | July 22, 2019

(I work at an adult store which only allows people 18 years or older to enter. This does not stop parents from trying to bring their kids in with them. I see a woman trying to push a stroller into my store.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t allow anyone under 18 in this store.”

Woman: “Oh! I know; I’m actually 36. I just look young.”

Me: “I was talking about the baby.”

Woman: *suddenly furious* “What?! This is my kid; I give her permission to be in here.”

Me: “It doesn’t work like that. If she’s not 18 she can’t come in.”

Woman: “Why not?! She doesn’t know what any of this is, anyway!”

Me: “Doesn’t matter. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Woman: “This is unfair! I am a paying customer; you can’t treat me like this. I’ll have you arrested!”

Me: *now annoyed* “Do it.”

Woman: “Wh-what?”

Me: “I dare you. Call the cops right now. Actually, I’ll do it for you. Then you can explain to the police why you were trying to bring a minor into an adult store. So, then, when you try to explain that it’s your own child, you can then explain to Child Protective Services why you feel it’s okay to expose your child to adult-themed objects at an infant’s age.”

Woman: “That’s not what I’m doing at all! I just want to buy some stuff for myself.”

Me: “No, I’m refusing you service. Please leave my store. You can also tell your sob story to the cop that’s standing just outside the door, who watched this whole exchange.”

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Behaving Like Babies In An Adult Store

, , , , , | Right | June 6, 2019

(I work in an adult store as a second job. We are a higher-class store that deals with more high-end stock and customers. We do work for commission, but we really don’t like to act like salespeople. I am a Pagan, but I generally don’t wear any showy jewelry as a personal preference. My husband bought me a beautiful pentacle pendant for our anniversary and I have been wearing it proudly for several days. The customers are monthly regulars and the wife is notorious for being rude.)

Me: “Welcome back! What brings you in tonight?”

Wife: *looks at me* “We don’t need help. Leave us alone.”

(She turns away from me as the husband nods agreement. We are currently having sales, and corporate demands that we inform the customers.)

Me: “Just so you know, we are having sales ri—“

Wife: *furiously* “We don’t care!”

(I just smile and walk away. We are supposed to stay within ten feet of the customers in case they have any questions. I stay further back as they wander our toy section until a different customer asks where a certain toy is. I walk her over and overhear the couple whispering.)

Wife: “I don’t think it’ll fit.”

Husband: “We can try more cream.”

(I don’t bother to ask if they have any questions and walk back to our checkout. About ten minutes later, they come up and put a bottle of vaginal tightening gel and the BIGGEST realistic dildo on the counter. It is a duplicate of the famous 70s p*rnstar John Holmes, nicknamed “The C**k of Legend.”)

Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

Wife: *sniffs* “Where is the other salesgirl? I want her to ring us up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, she is on lunch. I can get you rung out.”

Wife: “Fine, but don’t talk to us.”

(I am very annoyed at this point, so I ignore her and ask our standard questions as I ring everything up.)

Me: “Now, are you well stocked with lubricant and toy cleaner? This guy requires a lot.”

(At the same time, they both reply.)

Wife: “I SAID DO NOT SPEAK TO US!”

Husband: “She doesn’t need lube; she needs more tightening gel for it.”

(I barely hold back a laugh and I hear the other customer in toys laugh aloud. The wife is bright red and pissed off.)

Wife: “IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU FILTHY HEATHEN! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING ELSE! DON’T TRY TO SELL ME ANYTHING! YOU ALL ACT LIKE WHORES IN HERE, TRYING TO SELL STUFF!”

(I take a step back, actually shocked by what she said. My manager has just come out of the back office in time to hear it. Everyone knows I have never taken rudeness lightly and I am usually the one to deal with mean customers.)

Me: “Ma’am, please watch your mouth. You are calling us all whores when you are the one buying a dildo the size of my forearm and are afraid it won’t be big enough. And yes, I am a heathen. Ohga-bhoga! So, buy your toy, stock up on that tightening gel — since we are not expecting another shipment anytime soon — and go have a freaking orgasm because you need it.”

(She starts sputtering and doesn’t stop the entire time her husband goes back to grab the last of the gel, pays, and starts dragging her out the door. The other customers start laughing and clapping. My manager is laughing, too.)

Manager: “I don’t know whether to write you up or hug you.”

Me: “Buy me a coffee and call it even?”

(She walked away laughing.)

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