(I am stocking Christmas ribbon with a coworker.)

Customer: “You two ladies look like you can help me.”

Me: “Sure, what do you want to know?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a tree.”

Me: “Okay, the trees are in the back of the store under the ‘Seasonal’ sign.”

Customer: “No, no. Let me finish. I want a tree; it’s circular, but it’s a tree, and it’s a circle, but it’s only a half-circle, but it’s a tree. Oh! And you hang it on your window, and it’s a tree, and a circle.”

Me & Coworker: “…”

Customer: “IT’S A TREE, AND IT’S A CIRCLE AND A TREE, AND YOU HANG IT ON YOUR WINDOW, BUT IT’S ONLY A HALF-CIRCLE, BUT IT’S A CIRCULAR TREE!”

Me: “Uh… a wreath?”

Customer: “NO, NO, WHAT THE F***?! IT’S A CIRCLE AND A TREE, AND IT’S A CIRCLE AND A HALF-CIRCLE, AND YOU HANG IT ON YOUR WINDOW!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS?!”

Me: “No… sorry, sir.”

Customer: “Well, is there someone else in here that can help me?”

Coworker: “There are other people here, but with that description, I doubt anyone will be able to help you.”

Customer: “OH, WHAT THE F***?!”

(The customer storms off, but a moment later comes back.)

Customer: “Oh, by the way, do you sell Jello here?”

Me: “Um, no. We’re a craft store, not a grocery store.”

Customer: “Well, people use Jello for crafts.”

Me: “Uh, sorry.”

Customer: “SERIOUSLY! THEY HIRE F****** IDIOTS HERE!” *storms off… again*

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Me: “Ma’am, are you ready to order?”

Customer: “Yes… how many pieces come in the grilled chicken meal?”

Me: “It comes with one, but we can put on a second for $2 extra, no problem at all.”

Customer: “Okay, do that, then.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That comes with two sides, what would you like?”

Customer: “Just give me a double order of the steamed veggies, please. I’m a vegetarian.”

Me: *surprised* “All right, well, are you sure you want the chicken, then? It’s made of actual meat….”

Customer: *angrily* “I said I’m VEGETARIAN, not a d*** VEGAN!”

Me: “…yes, ma’am, my apologies.”

(I then retreat to the back to enter in her order. As I do so, the manager walks up.)

Manager: “You look annoyed; something wrong?”

Me: “Just wishing we served alcohol… I could use a shot.”

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(A customer was picking up reprints from her film negatives. I observed this exchange:)

Customer: “This is the wrong picture!”

Co-worker: “Which one was it supposed to be?”

Customer: “Number 18.”

Co-worker: *looks at negatives* “That is number 18 from these negatives. Did you drop off the wrong ones?”

Customer: “No! I just gave them to your staff and told him to print this one. *pointing to number 18 on an index print card*

Co-worker: “Okay… these are the negatives you dropped off?

Customer: *loudly* “Well, how was I supposed to know they were the wrong ones? I can’t tell you how to do your job! I’m not in the back watching what your staff does!”

(Upon hearing this, the manager comes over)

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! Your staff took the wrong negatives from me and printed the wrong photos! I can’t keep track of all my negatives… that’s your job!”

Manager: “So you’re saying that it’s our job to organize your negatives?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Manager: “No. We won’t come home with you and organize your negatives. It’s your responsibility to check that you’re dropping off the right negatives–”

Customer: *interrupting* “This is horrible customer service! I’m never coming back!”

Manager: *sarcastically* “Yes, it is our job to organize your life for you too.”

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Customer: “Do you have movie with Forrest Gump?”

Me: “Yes, we have the movie Forrest Gump; would you like me to tell you where it is?”

Customer: “No, I look for movie Forrest Gump where he gets big.”

Me: “Uhh… do you mean you’re looking for the movie ‘Big’ with Tom Hanks?”

Customer: “Not Tom Hanks, ‘FORREST GUMP’! ‘BIG’!”

Me: “…”

Customer #1: “You bake all of this French bread here?”

Me: “Yes, sir, every day.”

Customer #1: “Do you make the dough yourselves, or does it come in frozen?”

Me: “Oh, it comes in frozen. We bake more than 100 loaves of French bread a day on top of everything else we make, so we really wouldn’t have time to make dough from scratch.”

Customer #1: “So, you’re cheaters, then?!”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Yes, sir, we certainly are!”

Customer #1: “Well, that’s shameful!” *to another customer* “Did you know they don’t make the dough themselves?!”

Customer #2: “It only costs a buck a loaf, dude. What do you want from them?”

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