(I had a bag of large crystal beads salvaged from a chandelier. The beads were the size of my palm and very heavy. As I put them away in one of my bead boxes, a teenage girl walked up to my booth at a craft fair.)

Girl: “Hi! I love your stuff! Do you do custom orders?”

Me: “Yes, I do! Here, look through some of these bead boxes and tell me what you like.”

Girl: “Okay!”

(She looks through some boxes and gasps as she discovers the large crystal beads.)

Girl: “I love these! Can you make a pair of earrings with these?!”

Me: “Oh! Ha ha, those beads are for a lamp I’m making. They’re too heavy to use as earrings. May I interest you in a much smaller and lighter version of those beads?”

Girl: “NO! I want these! They’re so pretty and… bling-bling!”

Me: “Your piercings would sag if you wore those. Let me–”

Girl: “No! I’m the customer and this is what I want!”

Me: *sighing* “Fine. Come back in a few minutes, and I’ll have them done. It’ll be $12.”

(The girl looks at some other booths while I make her earrings. She returns, asks for her earrings, and pays for them.)

Girl: *putting on earrings “I love them! Thank you so much!”

Me: “Okay. Thank you, and remember what I said about the beads.”

Girl: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The beads are like crazy light!”

(The girl leaves, looking ridiculous with the earrings, but then returns about half an hour later.)

Girl: “My ears are killing me!”

Me: “I told you the beads were too heavy, but you still wanted them!”

Girl: “It’s not the beads, it’s the wire! I must be allergic to it.”

Me: “There’s no need to yell. I use hypoallergenic materials in all my pieces. There’s no way you can be allergic to it. It’s because the beads are too heavy. I can give you a refund, but you have to give me the earrings back.”

Girl: “No! It must be the glass, then. I’m allergic to the glass! What kind of glass is this?”

Me: “…allergic to glass? Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘with beauty comes pain’? Well, this explains it.”

Girl: “Oh! I get it now! Wow, if it hurts this much I must look A-MA-ZING! *skips off*

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Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “When I try to change my password, I’m typing and it’s just making stars.”

Me: “Okay… that’s normal. It’s a security feature to prevent someone standing behind you from seeing what you’re typing.”

Customer: “But there’s no one standing behind me…”

Me: “…”

(I’m a bouncer in a college bar where you must be 21. Lots of underage people try coming in with fake IDs.)

Me: “Can I see your ID?”

College Student: “Yeah…”

(He hands me an ID that says he is 20.)

Me: “Um, you are only 20.”

College Student: “Yeah, you can read a birthday! Can I go in now?”

Me: “You have to be 21 to get in.”

College Student: “Oh… *hands me a fake ID* “…how about now?”

Me: “Now you just lost your fake ID.”

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Customer: “Um, this sign out here says $5.98 for a pound of turkey.”

Me: “Well, sir, if you look at your sticker, you’ll see that it is actually $3.98 a pound this week.”

Customer: “But, it says that it’s $5.98 a pound. You need to fix this, and you need to fix the price on my turkey.”

Me: “Sir, the turkey is on sale this week. You got it for $3.98 a pound, instead of $5.98.”

Customer: “Well, this is just ridiculous. You guys need to get your act straight, and you need to fix my sticker!”

Me: “You’re getting it for cheaper.”

Customer: *light bulb goes on* “Ohhhhhhh!”

(We’re nearby a retirement community. An old man who looks lost wanders into our grocery store.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Old Man: “Yes, I’m looking for the bathroom… Oh, here it is!”

(He opens a freezer door and proceeds to pull down his pants.)

Me: “SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

(The old man takes a dump right in the freezer.)

Old Man: “That’s cold… Where’s the toilet paper?”

Me: “I really, really, really need a break!”

(Sadly, this was not the first time this happened.)