Caller: “Hi. I’m trying to find you, but seem a bit lost.”

Me: “That’s no problem. Do you know approximately where you are?”

Caller: “Nova Scotia.”

Me: “That’s good, but I will need a bit more information. Are you in Halifax or Dartmouth?”

Caller: “Canada.”

Me: “Do you know which city you are in?”

Caller: “Canada.”

Me: “Canada is the country. Which area of the city are you in. Do you know which road you are on?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Where have you driven from?”

Caller: “My aunt’s house.”

Me: “Do you know your aunt’s address?”

Caller: “She lives in Nova Scotia.”

Me: “Can you see any signs or landmarks?”

Caller: “I have some water on my right and some trees on my left.”

Me: “Any shops or gas stations?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “You will need to keep going straight and call me back as soon as you see a sign or can stop at a gas station or shop and ask for help.”

Caller: “I thought you were guest services. Why won’t you help me?”

Me: “I am trying, but I need a basic idea where you are.”

Caller: *shouting* “I’m. In. Canada!”

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(I am at the admissions office at my university. A coworker leaves a message with a younger kid telling them they’d “call back later” to speak to the adult.)

Me: “Hello, [College]?”

Caller: “Oh, this is a college?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Caller: “Well, then, why were you telling my kid you were coming to our house?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”

Caller: “Someone called my house the other day from this number and told my five-year-old daughter that they would ‘come over later.’ Why would anyone be coming over later?”

Me: “I believe they probably said, ‘Call back later.’ That’s what we usually say if a younger child answers the phone.”

Caller: “Oh, so now you think my five-year-old is dumb?”

Me: “I never said that, ma’am; we just usually don’t leave messages with young children.”

Caller: “If my daughter couldn’t take a message, I wouldn’t let her answer the phone!”

Me: “Well, with all due respect, ma’am, she did tell you we said we would come to your house, which is not correct at all.”

Caller: “Yeah, well, your people should speak more clearly. She’s only five! She gets things wrong sometimes!”

(We have a small version of the Mona Lisa for sale.)

Customer: “How much is that?”

Me: “15 dollars.”

Customer: “Is it the original?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Oh. I’m trying to get my hands on the original.”

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’m calling for a person. He is in room 159F.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have a room with that number.”

Caller: “Are you sure? He is an old friend and said he was staying at this hotel.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am sure we don’t have that room. But if you give me his name, I can see if we have a guest with that name.”

Caller: “Ron.”

Me: “Last name?”

Caller: “I don’t know. He’s from Canada.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I need more to go on than that.”

Caller: “Can’t you just call every room and ask for a Ron from Canada?”

Me: “No, sir. No, I can’t.”

Caller: “It’s okay; I’ll hold.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to get a quote on some motorcycle insurance?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We are currently only writing personal auto. We are in the process of changing companies and should be able to write it soon.”

Customer: “Wait, what?”

Me: “We are only able to write personal auto insurance to insure a vehicle, not motorcycles.”

Customer: “Well, it says very clearly in the phone book that you guys do motorcycle insurance.”

Me: “We used to but at the current moment we don’t. We will be able to do so soon.”

Customer: “Well, why don’t you guys take it out of the phone book then?”

Me: “You mean, why don’t we take it out of last year’s phone book?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah!” *hangs up*