(I work as an assistant at a small academic publisher. Part of my responsibilities includes covering for our receptionist each day while she takes her lunch break. Usually my job doesn’t require taking a lot of phone calls, but sometimes when someone has a general question, they’ll call our main line.)

Me: “Hello, [Company Name].”

Customer: “Hi, I left a message a week ago for you and I haven’t heard back.”

Me: “Okay, what was the message regarding?”

Customer: “You mean you didn’t get it? I’m trying to get a desk copy of one of your books! Who am I speaking to?”

Me: “[My Name]. Our receptionist might have gotten your message but she’s on her break at the moment.”

Customer: *impatient sigh* “So who are you?”

Me: “…I’m [My Name]. I’m an assistant here.”

Customer: “You’re a what??”

Me: “Um…an assistant.” *I have a more specific title, but I don’t see how telling this guy that is going to help him, since I have nothing to do with orders on our website* “I would suggest you—”

Customer: *interrupting* “I don’t know what that MEANS! Can you just connect me to someone who can help me? DON’T put me through to a voicemail!”

Me: “Okay, sir, please hold.”

(I briefly wonder how this guy got through life not knowing what an assistant is and reluctantly call one of my colleagues who usually handles desk copy requests. Thankfully he’s at his desk and he tells me to tell the customer to call our customer service, which is a totally different number.)

Me: “Sir? My colleague has instructed me to tell you to call our customer service line, which is—”

Customer: *interrupting again* “NO! I’m getting pretty close to pissed off here!”

(Here I think to myself: Seems like you’re already past that!)

Customer: “Give me somebody to talk to!”

Me: *deeply unamused at this point* “Please hold.”

(I call my colleague again and apologetically ask him if he could please take the call. He’s more senior than I am and deals with more customer issues, so at the very least he’s more qualified to tell this rude man to just call our customer service already, which he finally did. I held my breath till the receptionist came back, hoping against hope he wouldn’t call back and yell at me more. He didn’t.)

(After a long eight hours of travel, I am trying to log in to my hotel’s Wi-Fi. I need an access code to log in, which my hotel’s internet login instructions card do not provide. I plug in my phone (which is nearly dead) and dial the tech support number. After a few minutes of waiting, I am finally answered by a technician.)

Technician: “[Hotel service call center], how can I help you?”

Me: “I’m trying to log in to the Internet. I need an access code to log in. The instructions card claims I don’t need one, but I do.”

(The technician begins providing instructions, but my dad shows me a separate card I completely failed to notice that has the access code on it.)

Me: “Uh… Never mind, I appear to have failed a spot check. I’m sorry for wasting your time.” *hangs up*

Customer:  I’d like to return this.
Me: Okay, do you have the receipt?
Customer: Yep!
(She proceeds to hand me a receipt from *2007*)
Me: Ummmm…I’m sorry, but the receipt needs to be within the past 14 days.  I won’t be able to take this back.
Customer: Oh okay.
(She was a little dejected, but she left. I commend you, ma’am, not only for holding onto the correct receipt for the past 8 years, but also for not flipping out when it was denied.)

(This customer has been known for being obnoxious and lingering around in our really small store. He also always rants about drug legalisation, his animals and doesn’t get that we’re not making products in our “backroom” and that we put some cleansing masks with a very short best before date on ice for a reason.)

Customer: “I bought this mask a month ago and it has already gone bad. You owe me a new one.”
Manager: “I’m sorry, but those are only supposed to last 3 weeks at most. It says that right here.”

(She points to the clearly written due date, which was actually 6 weeks ago!)

C: “But this all natural! The girl said this is a best before date and test I might be abled to use it longer, yet it is already molding.”

(Saying this, he opens the Pot and it has indeed turned into something really nasty)

C: “and now you see why I didn’t want it in my fridge!”

M: “Oh, but it says “keep refridgerated” right here. If you store this at room temperature it-”

C: “I should not have to keep cosmetics with my food! If you can’t produce stuff that lasts, you’ll be losing customers, you know?”

(This goes on for a while. He even demands to go see our manufacturing to make sure it’s clean, despite the fact that not only we, but also customers tell him that there is no way that we would produce all the stuff in the back – especially as there is no backroom except for the litter bins, what we showed him. After a while, he agreed to exchange his not properly stored, over due date and molding product for some soap. My manager picks the mask from the counter and leaves towards the back..)

C: “Wait, what are doing?”

M: “I’ll have to throw this away, as we can’t resell returned products, let alone ones that-”

C: ” I thought you were an eco-friendly company, how can you just throw things away?,”

M: “Listen, this product is a serious danger for peoples health. What do you want me to do?”

C: “Give it to me.”

M: “You just returned it, because you didn’t want it. You received a new product in exchange and I really can’t advise to put this on your, or anybody’s skin.”

C: “But I could use it on my horse!”

(We told him that he won’t leave with the hazardous mask, especially since we exchanged it on our own costs against company policy. He left fuming, ranting about waste, the society – and without his soap. He also never returned.)

[The shop is already quite crowded with people who came to take their food away, a woman walks in, wearing her pyjamas.]

Me: Hello, what can I get you?
Woman: [Looking as though she’s ready to tear me a new one] I phoned in so that I WOULDN’T have to wait around–
Me: Excuse me, may I have the address you gave?
Woman: [Gives the address]
Me: Let me just go check in the kitchen. I’ll be right back.

[I go in to find out that we haven’t received an order from said address, then go back out and tell her that we haven’t gotten an order for her address]

[The woman looks puzzled for a few moments, before she realises her husband had called the wrong Chinese and storms out, whispering “dickhead” under her breath]