Me: “…so if you cancel your other company’s long-distance plan which costs you $10/month, and take ours that’s $8/month, you’ll save $2/month.”
Customer: “Look I called up to save money, and you’re gonna increase my bill?”
Me: “Well, yes, but overall you’ll save…”
Customer: “Look I’ve studied marketing, and you’re not doing this right.”
Me: “Look… I study math.”
Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]; how may I assist you today?”
Customer: “Hi, I need a new computer.”
Me: “I’m sorry? You need a new computer?”
Customer: “Yeah, I just bought this one and it’s no good; it’s been hacked!”
Me: “This is software support. We can’t replace your hardware, but if you describe the problems you’re having, I can try to help you fix them.”
Customer: *irritated and sighing* “Some f****** hacker broke into my computer and put dirty words everywhere! Now I can’t even let my kids use the computer for their homework because of the obscene language that randomly pops up on the screen!”
Me: “Sounds like a virus. Do you have an anti-virus installed?”
Customer: “I have [Anti-Virus Software] and I already tried that TEN TIMES! It didn’t even find anything! Everything on this computer is just worthless and I’m sick of–”
Me: “Okay, sir, please calm down so I can help you. Can you tell me where you are seeing dirty words?”
Customer: “In [Messenger Program] and WordPad. Every time I open one of them it says, ‘A**HOLE,’ on the screen!”
Me: “Where?”
Customer: “I don’t know, why does that matter?”
Me: “I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with your machine, sir. Can you please open WordPad or [Messenger Program] and tell me where you see that word?”
Customer: *grumbling* “I’m opening instant messenger… there it is! It’s not ‘a**hole,’ though; it’s ‘anal’. Same thing! How do I get rid of this?!”
Me: “Where does it say, ‘anal’?”
Customer: “When I click on my friend’s name and the box pops up, it says, ‘anal,’ right above where you type!”
Me: “Are you sure it says ‘anal’ and not ‘arial’?
Customer: “What the hell is ‘arial’?”
Me: “It’s a font sir; it’s spelled A-R-I-A-L.”
(The customer went silent for about fifteen seconds and then hung up the phone.)
This story is part of our Swearing Customers roundup!
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Read the Swearing Customers roundup!
Me: “Thank you for calling [Eye Doctor], how can I help you?”
Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”
Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”
Lady: “[First Name] Johnson.”
Me: “Okay. Hold, please.”
(I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)
Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”
Lady: “12-21-1969.”
(I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. [First Name] Smith.)
Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”
Lady: “NO!”
Me: “Okay, I’ll try searching by address.”
(She gives me her address and sure enough, it matches [First Name] Smith.)
Me: “I seem to have you listed in our computer as ‘[First Name] Smith’.”
Lady: “That’s not me.”
Me: “Well the date of birth matches, as does the address. Would you like me to search by social security number?”
Lady: “That’s not my name. I got married and my last name is Johnson now!”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, your insurance still has you listed as Smith so that’s how we got mixed up. You’ll probably want to call them.”
Lady: “That’s no excuse.”
Me: “I’m sorry. But there was no way for us to know you got married.”
Lady: “It was in the newspaper!”
Me: “Okaaaaaay.”
Customer: “Can I get a vegetarian burrito with chicken?”
Me: “You mean, a chicken burrito?”
Customer: “Well, what’s in that?”
Me: “Chicken.”
This story is part of our Vegetarian roundup!
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Read the Vegetarian roundup!
Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]; how may I help you?”
Lady: “I would like to make a return.”
Me: “Alright, that should be fine. We allow returns on regularly priced clothing as long as it has the tags on it.”
Lady: “Alright, great. So do I give you my phone number?”
Me: “Pardon…?”
Lady: “To do the return?”
Me: “I’m sorry, you need to come into the store to do returns. We need to get the item you’re returning back.”
Lady: “That’s ridiculous! You mean I need to get gas for my car and COME DOWN THERE?!”
Me: “Yes…”
Lady: *click*
This story is part of our Lazy Customers roundup!
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Read the Lazy Customers roundup!
