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Pointless Obstinance

, , | Right | March 6, 2008

Me: “Good Evening, [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I just told you how you can help me!”

Me: “No, sir, you were speaking to someone in admin; they put your call through to me. If you could repeat your query I’ll be happy to help.”

Caller: “But I just told you what I wanted. I’m not repeating myself!”

Me: “Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you then.”

Caller: “Fine!” *hangs up*


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Easy Come, Easy Go

, , , | Right | March 6, 2008

A customer walks in.

Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”

Customer: “Have you prayed today?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Customer: “You better pray or you’ll go to Hell.”

Me: “Wow, okay.”

Customer: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you.”

Me: “FOR ME! FOR ME! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” *awesome air guitaring, a la Queen*

(The customer walked out. This was one of those crazy regulars who come in for whatever and are always talking about Jesus. If anybody else had been in the store, I wouldn’t have done the Queen thing, but it was too much to pass up.)

This Little Piggy Went To H***

, , , , , | Right | March 6, 2008

Me: “Can I help you?”

Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

(I do some ID verification stuff.)

Me: “All right, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

Teacher: *apparently remembering at the last minute* “Oh, no.”

Me: “Piggly… Wiggly… F***er.”

Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah… thank you.”

Me: *bursts out laughing*


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Keyless Start, Please Meet Clueless (Old) Fart

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2008

(A customer comes out and hands me his valet ticket for his car. I go back to the key box and notice that I had written that he hadn’t given me his keys. He had one of those key-less start cars that you don’t need to put in a key to drive, but the key still has to be in the car to start it.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, you did not give me the keys to your car.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. You see this is a key-less start car here, son. You don’t need a key to start it.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am aware that it is a key-less start, but I still need the key to be in the car to start it.”

Customer: “I don’t think you understand me here, kid. It is KEY-LESS. You don’t need my key. Now please just go get my car.”

Me: “Sir, I know what you are saying, but I have parked many other cars like this..”

Customer: “Listen to me, boy! I am an adult! I have had that car for a while, and I think I know a little more about how it works than you, don’t you think?! Now go get my car or I will tell the manager!”

(I try to tell him once again that I need the key, but he just screams and goes to get the manager. I tell the manager what the problem is.)

Manager: “Sir, he is correct. You need the key to start the car.”

Customer: “OH, MY GOD! Are you all idiots here?!”

(I take him and the manager to his car. I ask him for the key, which he gives me.)

Me: “Sir, please show me how to start the car without the key inside.”

Customer: “Okay, fine, then!”

(He tries to press the engine start button, which doesn’t start.)

Customer: “…”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “Well, are you going to give me the keys so I can start my car?! Jesus, everyone knows you can’t start this type of car without a key! You should be fired!”

(That was the night I quit my job.)

One Bad Joke Deserves Another

, , | Right | March 5, 2008

I was once a ticket taker at a movie theater. The passageway to the restrooms looked exactly like the passageways to the auditoriums, and it had a small marquee above it, just like an auditorium. Naturally, the marquee displayed the word “Restrooms.”

The 2,137th patron who thinks they are making an original joke, points at the “Restrooms.”

Patron: “Is that film any good?”

I am getting tired of the lame joke.

Me: “I thought it was okay, but the reviews have been in the toilet.”


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