(So far, the refund of a faulty petrol-powered hedge trimmer has been going normally. The item has been deemed faulty by an expert, and the customer has his receipt and has been pleasant throughout. However, there is a problem: for legal reasons we cannot accept the hedge trimmer until the petrol has been drained out it. This has to be done by the customer offsite and into a fuel can for safety reasons. I explain this to the customer, and he appears to understand and walks off. I’m just serving the next customer when, out of the corner of my eye, I witness this customer pouring petrol into a PAPER CUP, which is in turn balanced precariously on top of the cigarette bin at the entrance to the store.)

Me: “Stop! Stop! For the love of God stop!”

Customer: “Why? What am I doing?”

Me: “I said for you to empty that offsite into an appropriate container! And look what it’s on!”

(The customer begins to slowly read the words, “Please extinguish your cigarette here.”)

Customer: “Oh. I didn’t realise what you meant.”

(After this, we now make sure that customers take such items away before serving the next customer.)

(My mum prepared us soup for dinner today. It tastes very salty.)

Dad: “Are you sure you put the right amount of water in? This tastes very salty.”

Mum: “Yes! In fact, I put more in. It said to add 900ml and I put a pint in.”

Everyone: *stares at her, then bursts out laughing*

(The odd thing is that she’s been cooking and baking for many years. Clearly, today, her brain just wasn’t working!)

This story is part of our Metric System roundup!

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(I am calling customers who we are only billing for a sim card. I am offering them an upgrade to include a mobile handset. I am near the end of my shift and the following conversation occurs with a customer who sounds like she is in her 40s:)

Me: “Hi. My name is [My Name], and I’m calling from [Company] to offer you a new mobile deal.”

Customer: “Oh, great. What can you do for me?”

Me: “Well, first of all, we are only charging you for a sim card. What kind of handset do you have for it?”

Customer: “I don’t have one!”

Me: “Okay… so, what do have your sim card in?”

Customer: “I have it in my mobile phone!”

Me: *face-palm* “Okay, that’s your handset. Do you know what make it is?”

Customer: “I’m not sure.”

Me: “Okay, is it an iPhone or Samsung or…”

Customer: “YES! IT’S THAT ONE!”

Me: “Erm, which one? iPhone or Samsung?”

Customer: “It’s an iPhone Samsung!”

Me: *face-palm* “No, miss, they are two different brands. Either an iPhone or a Samsung.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s a Samsung.”

Me: “Okay, do you know what model?”

Customer: “It’s a Samsung Galaxy.”

Me: “Do you know which kind? There a quite a few of them.”

Customer: “No, I’m not sure.”

Me: “Okay, because one of the older models would be a galaxy s5…”

Customer: “YES! THAT WHAT I HAVE!”

Me: “Okay and would you be interested in an upgrade?”

Customer: “Oh, no, it’s okay, dear. I’m happy with what I have. Thank you.”

Me: “No problem. Sorry to bother you.”

(I knew I wasn’t going to get very far, anyway.)

(I am a hearing aid technician running a clinic in a local GP surgery. I have no medical training at all. My clients wait in the main reception area until I call them by name.)

Me: “Mr. [Unusual Name]?”

Man: “That’s me.”

(He stands and follows me to the treatment room.)

Me: “Please take a seat.”

(I make a note on my paperwork before turning to him, only to find he’s removed his shirt and is untucking his vest.)

Me: “What are you doing?!”

Man: “You need my chest, don’t you?”

Me: “What for?”

Man: “To listen to my heart.”

Me: “I’m here to fix your hearing aids!”

Man: “What hearing aids? Nothing wrong with my ears!”

Me: “Um… I think there’s been a mistake. Please get dressed!”

(It turned out there were two men with the same very unusual last name, both in the waiting room at the same time. And of course, the man with the faulty hearing aids couldn’t hear me!)

(A customer comes to the counter with three boxes of different medicines. I inspect them.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’ll only be able to sell two of these to you. This one should have the same effect and this one… I would recommend putting this one back.”

Customer: “Just sell me all of them.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Customer: *huffs* “Just put them through separately. The register should let you do it.”

Me: “No. I’m not legally allowed to sell you all three. It could be life-threatening if you take all of them at once.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t. I have a friend who mixes them all the time and chugs a load of vodka. Knocks her out for several hours. Great stuff!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I… I shouldn’t have told you that?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “You’re refusing my service?”

Me: “I’m afraid so.”

Customer: *leaves looking utterly distraught*