Me: “Hello, welcome to PC support. How may I help?”

Customer: “Hello, I just bought this washing machine.”

Me: “You’ll have to call customer service. This is PC support. Call back on the same number you just dialed, select two in the first menu and then three in the second menu to get to customer service.”

Customer: “Okay, transfer me to customer service.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that. You will have to call back on the same number and select two in the first menu, three in the second.”

Customer: “Can you give me the number to customer service?”

Me: “It’s the same number you just called. Press two and then three in the menus.”

Customer: “What happens if I press two now?”

Me: “Well, I will get a beep in my ear and I don’t like that. Please hang up and call back on the same number before pressing any keys.”

Customer: “Hrmf!” *hangs up*

(20 seconds later…)

Me: “Hello, welcome to PC support. How may I help?”

Customer: “Hello, I just bought this washing machine.”

Me: *sigh*

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “We’re looking at the toilets. What does the ‘flush rating’ on the box mean?”

Me: “That indicates the amount of flush power.”

Customer: “But what is it measuring?”

Me: “It’s just a general rating to give you an idea of the power of the flush on this model.”

Customer: “And the picture of the basket of golf balls on the box?”

Me: “This is just an illustration claiming this toilet can flush a full bucket of golf balls without clogging.”

Customer: “I worked in an old building once, and whenever I would use the toilet there it would clog up.”

(I smile blandly and pray she doesn’t continue.)

Customer: “Maybe the golf ball toilet would be good then. I mean, if it can handle a whole basket of balls… right?

(My smile wanes, and I hope she doesn’t start describing shape, color, consistency.)

Customer: “Well, food for thought I guess. Oh, dear, I shouldn’t say ‘food’ when it comes to toilets!”

This story is part of the Customers-Sharing-TMI roundup!

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Read the Customers-Sharing-TMI roundup!

Woman: “Your f***ing machine won’t accept my memory card from my camera!”

Me: “That’s very strange, ma’am, as our machines accept all of the memory cards that I’ve ever heard of.”

Woman: “Well, your machines are obviously old! My husband bought me an EXPENSIVE camera, because I only like the best! You people need to get better machines! My memory card won’t even FIT in any of the slots!”

Me: “May I see your memory card? Maybe I can figure out what’s wrong.”

(Woman hands me her memory card huffily.)

Me: “Um… ma’am, I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is your camera battery.”

Woman: “…”

(She snatched her battery out of my hands and stormed out of the store.)

Me: “Can I start you off with something to drink?”

Half-Deaf Customer: “I’D LIKE THE FISH!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, can I get you something to drink?”

Half-Deaf Customer: “HE’LL TAKE THE STEAK!”

(It is nearly Christmas, about 11 pm. The vicar has been out all day visiting elderly parishioners and has fallen asleep in front of the television. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello. St. [Saint]’s vicarage. Can I help you?”

Man: “I need to speak to the vicar.”

Me: “I am afraid he is unavailable at the moment. Can I take a message?”

Man: “Can’t you contact him? This is really urgent.”

Me: “I am afraid I can only disturb him in an emergency. What is the problem? I am a reader.” *lay minister* “Perhaps I can help?”

Man: “I have this really deep theological question. I’m sure only the vicar can answer it.”

Me: “I do have a degree in theology, sir. I’m sure I can help.”

Man: “When is the Twelfth Day of Christmas?”

Me: “…?”

Man: “Are you there? I told you, only the vicar would know.”

Me: “It’s the fifth of January. The day before Epiphany.”

Man: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Definitely. Why do you need to know?”

Man: “Me and my mates are doing a pub quiz. It’s the one question we couldn’t answer. Thanks. Bye!”

Me: “…”

This story is part of the Christmas Day roundup!

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Read the Christmas Day roundup!