Around 2002, an older manager in my office building is shouting at someone.

Manager: “You need to ship this document to [Client], [Shipping Company] priority overnight! It has to be there right away!”

Coworker: “This is just a standard document. Why don’t you just have it emailed to them?”

Manager: “Why would I email it when I could [Ship] it? Isn’t [Shipping Company] cheaper?”

Coworker: “Uh… email is free.”

Manager: “Free? How do they do that? Doesn’t it cost $0.25 per message?”

Coworker: “Well, even if it did, it would still be cheaper than [Shipping Company]. And quicker!”

The manager still insisted on using [Shipping Company] but said they would look into this “email thing.” Thankfully, they retired the next year!

Related:
Email Fail, Part 45
Email Fail, Part 44
Email Fail, Part 43
Email Fail, Part 42
Email Fail, Part 41

A client tells me that the editor he uses to make changes to the website isn’t working, so I suggest that he download the newest version of Firefox.

Client: “I got your email saying the editor was working fine for you, but I still can’t seem to make changes.”

Me: “You downloaded Firefox, right?”

Client: “Yes, but it didn’t work.”

Me: “And after you downloaded Firefox, you tried logging in using that browser, correct?”

Client: “Wait, I actually had to use it? I thought I just had to download it! Let me call you back.”

A customer has purchased a phone from us, and she is excited as it’s her first time owning a smartphone and having regular access to the Internet. It’s not part of our service, but we also help get her set up on Facebook as she says she wants to keep in touch with her grandchildren and see all their updates. All in all, it is a very sweet and chill experience.

A couple of weeks later, the customer comes storming back in, recognizes me as the person who helped her, and slams her phone on the counter in front of me.

Customer: “This thing is rotten! Rotten to the core! It’s making me so angry!”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Customer: “I’m trying to see pics of the grandbabies, but I also keep getting these stories about scary people and the president and all these other things!”

Me: “Can you show me what you mean?”

The customer opens her Facebook app, and within five seconds of scrolling, she shoves the screen into my face. It’s a Buzzfeed-style listicle article titled something like “Ten [Political Party Members] Who Want To Eat Your Babies” or something equally outrageous.

Me: “Yes, sadly, you get a lot of those. They’re called clickbait, as in they bait you to click on them, and then get you angry, so you spend more time on their post. My advice is to ignore them completely and just focus on what your friends and family post.”

I’m about to show her how she can adjust her settings to see less of this kind of content, but she’s off again.

Customer: “I don’t understand! Why are they saying these things?!”

Me: “Every time you click something on the Internet — or in this case, Facebook — from a company and not from your friends or family, that company makes a little bit of money. They write articles designed to inflame the readers and force them to leave comments.”

Customer: “I did! I learned how to leave comments, and then other people started saying bad things about me!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That happens. As I said, they will create content just to make people like you engage and make more money.”

Customer: “So, you’re saying that they say these things to just piss people off!”

Me: “Essentially, yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well! Then I’m going to leave a comment to tell them just what I think about them!”

And the cycle repeats anew…

Related:
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 8
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 8
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 7
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 6
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 5

I am assisting a caller and have identified that they have two cables on the back of their computer mixed up. It’s a super simple fix.

Me: “I just need you to take the white cable out and put it where the red cable is, and take the red cable out and put it where the white cable is.”

Caller: “Can you… just… I don’t know… fix it from there?”

Me: “No, sir. You would need to change the wires from where you are.”

Caller: “But I get confused easily by this stuff.”

Me: “Sir, I can advise you from here, but I can’t physically move the wires over the phone.”

Caller: “Well, I bought this from you guys, and I paid for the full technical support option! This doesn’t sound like full technical support!”

Me: “Sir, you’re asking me to reach through the phone and move the wires from here, at this call center, thousands of miles from you.”

Caller: *Not listening* “Well, is there a level of support I could upgrade to that will do that?”

At least, I HOPE he wasn’t listening.

Client: “We have decided we want to call our new website ‘[Company] dot com’.”

Me: “Unfortunately, ‘[Company] dot com’ is already registered and in use. However, ‘[Company] dot net’ is available. That’s probably the best option unless you choose another name.”

Client: “Ah. Yeah, I don’t like the ‘dot net’ so much. I think I’ll just stick with the ‘dot com’.”

Me: “Sorry, I think you must have misunderstood. The ‘dot com’ is already owned by someone else. You need to pick another name.”

Client: “Thanks for the advice. We’ve decided we don’t like the ‘dot net’, so we’ll just go for the ‘dot com’ as originally planned. If you can register that for us ASAP and let us know once it’s done, that’d be great.”