I’m working in tech support for AOL around 1997, around the time that AOL carpet-bombed households. I get a call from a woman wanting help getting online. This is not an uncommon request.

Me: “Do you have an AOL disc or CD?”

Caller: “I received a CD in the mail, but I don’t know how to get online.”

Me: “Okay, I can walk you through the process. Are you in front of your computer?”

Caller: “I don’t own a computer.”

I pause.

Me: “Ma’am… a computer is necessary to connect to AOL.”

Caller: *Angrily* “I received the disk in the mail, and it had ‘You have the disk, so why not get online?’ printed on it! It didn’t say I needed to buy a computer first!”

I tried to get her to understand, but she still complained and marked me a one-star in the survey after the call. It dropped my average score and damaged my raise that year. Thanks, lady!

Related:
Internot Getting It, Part 2
Internot Getting It

A user raises a ticket and asks for the login for one of the Meeting rooms. Sure. Easy-peasy. I get the username, chuck the password into a secure password-sharing program, generate a link, and send it. It is my easiest ticket close for the day. Also, I test the login in case there’s some issue with the account. It works juuuuust fine.

An hour later, I get the usual panicked email.

User: “Hi. The password you gave me doesn’t work, and we have a meeting in fifteen minutes, blah, blah, blah…”

I call her. She sounds worried.

Me: “Howdy! I tested this login and it works. Maybe I’ll read the password out loud and perhaps we can compare notes.”

User: “Sure, but what a weird password you shared with me. It starts with ‘https colon slash’…”

I sat in stunned silence.

She was typing the generated link into the password field.

This job makes me wanna cry sometimes.

A woman comes up to the tech support counter carrying only an outdated monitor.

Customer: “I was called earlier and told to bring in another computer so you could transfer my data from my other computer.”

I check the notes that says she has an “unrepairable tower”.

Me: “Can I ask where the tower is?”

Customer: *Pointing to the monitor* “Here. I want my data put on this.”

Me: “This is just the monitor, ma’am.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “This is only the ‘picture part’ of the computer. The actual computer, including where the data goes, is the tower — the bulky box thing?”

Customer: *Yelling* “I drove thirty minutes to get here, and I’m not leaving until you put my information on my computer!”

Me: “Bring us a computer, and we will be happy to.” 

She stormed out ranting, and I don’t think she came back.

I am a manager at a local video game store when the Xbox 360 “red ring of death” is being well documented. A customer brings his Xbox in.

Customer: “It happened again! This is my second Xbox that failed!”

I get him a replacement — he paid his warranty, and this second Xbox was less than a month old — and send him on his way. However, on the third return only a couple of weeks later, I have to ask some questions.

Me: “Sir, are you laying it flat?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Is it in an enclosed entertainment center?”

Customer: “No! It’s in the middle of the floor.”

Me: “Do you have carpeted floors?”

Customer: “No! Hardwood! But I do put the Xbox on a pillow so that the vibrations in the floor don’t affect it.” 

Me: “I think I know what’s been happening to your Xboxes, sir.”

I am offering tech support to a new customer of our ISP who has never used the Internet before.

Me: “Remember when I explained what a tab was, and what a browser was?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. I need you to open another tab.”

Caller: “And what will that do?”

Me: “It will open another window so you can look at the Internet on two separate tabs.”

Caller: “No! That will download a new Internet! I can’t afford two Internets!”

That was a fun explanation.

Related:
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 9
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 8
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 7
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 6
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 5