This was in the early days of the Internet, back when Apple QuickTime was a thing. A woman had just bought a Mac computer and had QuickTime Pro installed.

Caller: “The movie is stopping after just three minutes!”

Me: “What movie, ma’am?”

Caller: “I’m on the Apple website! There are movies here, and they keep stopping after three minutes! I spent all this money on an Apple; I should be able to get your movies!”

Through a painstaking process, I discovered that she was on the movie trailer section of the site. This used to be popular back in the day to showcase uses of QuickTime.

I had her start the movie she wanted to watch, and I waited. Sure enough, the video stopped after a few minutes.

Caller: “See?! It stopped!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s the full video of the movie trailer.”

Caller: “What the h*** is a trailer?”

Me: “It’s an ad for the actual movie. Just like when you go to the movie theater. They show trailers for other films before your movie starts.”

Caller: “So, the whole movie isn’t on there?”

Me: “I’m afraid not.”

Caller: “How the f*** am I supposed to watch The Green Mile now?”

Me: “You’d need to go to the movie theater.” 

She swore rather inventively and hung up.

The caller’s mouse isn’t working.

Caller: “It’s doing crazy stuff! It’s sending the pointer around at random!”

We can’t identify the problem, so we send them a new one since it’s a new purchase. They get it, but they call back. The new one doesn’t work, either — same issue!

Me: “Okay, so now we’re suspecting a USB issue. We’ll try to troubleshoot the USB ports over the phone with no mouse as much as we can. Is it plugged into a hub?”

Caller: “No, it’s plugged straight into the Mac.”

Me: “Okay, look at your mouse. Is the red light on?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s shining straight at me!”

Pause.

Me: “Okay… Turn your mouse over so the light is shining down on the desk. Does it work now?”

Caller: “Yes! What did you do?!”

I have an older customer call us at tech support.

Caller: “I’m worried about performing a virus scan. What’s a safe distance to stand away from the computer whilst it is happening?”

Me: “You can sit in front of the computer, madam. It’s perfectly safe.”

Caller: “No, I had an MRI scan once, and everyone else had to stand in another room.”

Me: “This is a different kind of scan, madam. You don’t have to stand away.”

Caller: “Oh, that’s good to know. By the way… there’s a hole in the bottom of my computer. What do I put in there?” 

It turned out that she had a laptop and didn’t realise you could actually put the battery in and it would work anywhere. When I told her this, her mind was blown! It was like she’d discovered a whole new world, and her sheer happiness was kind of infectious. I think that really made her day.

Back in the days of dial-up internet, I get this call.

Caller: “My Internet ain’t working!”

I check, and he’s getting every dial-up connection error imaginable. There are even a couple of errors that I (a tier-three call center representative taking overflow calls) haven’t even dealt with before.

In our job, we’re trained to ask about noises in the background. As we are checking that the cable is, in fact, plugged into the phone jack, I hear an engine in the background.

Me: “Is someone mowing the lawn nearby?”

Caller: “No, that’s my generator. A tornado came through last night and tore off the back half of my house. I wanna email my folks and let ‘em know I’m okay.”

I mute. I sigh. I unmute.

Me: “Sir, you’re calling on your cell phone, right?”

Caller: “Ayuh.”

Me: “Forgive me for asking, but why don’t you just call them?”

Caller: “Well, gosh, I hadn’t thought of that! You technical guys are smart! Bye!”

A caller has purchased a DVD player (still relatively new at the time) and is calling to figure out how to connect it to her TV. I have established that she hasn’t connected her HDMI cable to anything.

Me: “What is your HDMI cable connected to?”

Caller: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Then how were you expecting to connect the DVD player to the TV?”

Caller: “Well, I kinda put the TV and the DVD player next to each other, and I thought they might be able to talk to each other.”

Me: “No, ma’am. That’s not how that works.”

Caller: “Is it because the TV is Korean, and the DVD player is Japanese?”