How Much Jam Did Someone Stuff Down There?

, , , , | Right | October 2, 2018

(One of the offices I assist remotely is allergic to doing troubleshooting that requires any amount of effort on their part, preferring to just replace everything any time there’s a problem, and charge it to the company. This is my favorite ticket from these guys:)

Ticket: “The printer downstairs in the south wing has a paper jam. I believe the best course of action would be to replace the printer.”

For Him, A Screenshot Might As Well Be A Moonshot

, , , , , | Working | September 25, 2018

(One of our users from our engineering department phones me and describes a problem with a very specific piece of computer software. I know that one of our software analysts can fix the problem, but I also know they will want a screenshot of the error so they can troubleshoot. I know that for many of our users, “taking a screenshot” is a completely alien concept, so I always explain how to do it. Most people are happy enough to be walked through it.)

Me: “Hello, IT, [My Name] speaking.”

User: “Uh, yeah, hi. I’m having problems with [Specific System]; it’s giving me an error when I do [specific action he is trying to do].”

Me: “Okay, I can get that logged on our helpdesk for our software team to look at. Could I ask you to send me a screenshot of the error?”

User: “No, I can’t do that; I’m not IT literate!”

Me: “That’s all right. I’ll explain how to do it.”

User: “Yeah, but I’m not IT literate!”

Me: “Well let’s just try it, shall we? First of all, could you press…”

User: “Look. I told you: I’m not IT literate! Why are you not listening to me?

Me: *giving up* “Fine. Let me just log this for you.”

(I took his details and logged a ticket on our helpdesk. I put a note on there asking whoever picked it up to speak to me. One of my colleagues did pick it up, noticed there was no screenshot, and did come and speak to me. When I explained what had happened, she was very amused. Apparently this particular user is always like this. Ask him to do ANYTHING he’s not sure about, and his standard response is to say, “I’m not IT literate!” repeatedly.)

Shockingly Desperate To Get Internet

, , , , , | Right | September 25, 2018

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] tier three tech support. My name is [My Name]. How can I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hello, I think with the series of bad storms we had here, my Internet and TV got knocked out.”

Me: “Oh, yes, you must be in the Tampa area. I saw on the news about the series of storms that came through. I will be glad to help, and I apologize for the inconvenience.”

Customer: “To let you know, I did reset the modem and cable boxes once the power came back on.”

Me: “Good job, and thanks for letting me know this so I don’t have to ask you to do that again. Now, can you confirm your address to make sure I got the right one?”

(The customer confirms their address.)

Me: “Can you let me know what lights you are seeing on the Internet modem? We can get to the cable boxes in a moment.”

Customer: “I see the power light on, I see the uplink and download lights blinking… I also see my Wi-Fi lights 2.4 and 5 ghz on, but not blinking.”

Me: “What about the online light?”

Customer: “It’s off; even when I try to unplug and replug the modem it doesn’t even attempt to light up.”

(I look in his area and notice his house is the only one highlighted as offline. My tool allows me to run trace routes to figure out where the signal drops. It drops right at his house’s tap, which is located on a telephone pole.)

Me: “Sir, not to switch gears here, but can you also look at your cable boxes and let me know if you see either an online, linked, or globe symbol light on?”

(The customer checks and tells me no.)

Me: “Well, sir, you’ve been a great help, but I am afraid those storms did a number on your service. While I think the individual equipment is fine, I do notice signal drops right at your outside node.”

Customer: “You mean the little green box on the telephone pole?”

Me: “I am afraid so.”

Customer: “Oh… I thought you ran everything underground.”

Me: “Not all the time. It depends on city and area if we can run wires under or not. In this case, you are connected through a cable on the telephone pole.”

(The customer gets quiet, but I can hear him moving around like he is putting on something.)

Customer: “Well, I guess someone has to go up there?”

Me: “Yes, sir, let me schedule someone to come out.”

(Right as I say that, I hear a door open and wind picking up, making it harder to hear the customer.)

Me: “Sir? You still with me?”

Customer: “Yes, I am. How soon can you get someone out?”

Me: “Well, due to the storms, my soonest available would be two days from now, in the afternoon.”

Customer: “You mean I am going without my TV and Internet for two whole days? That’s unacceptable.”

Me: “I am sorry for that, and as much as I wish I could turn on those services, due to the storm I can’t even remote in to take a look.”

Customer: “Well, I demand a credit. And honestly, I’ve been a customer for years; why can’t you send someone out now?”

(We rarely send field technicians out the same day, plus his area is backed up due to the storms.)

Me: “Sir, I will be happy to give you a credit for the days you don’t have service, but I cannot send someone out until Thursday afternoon between two and four.”

(It is Tuesday at six pm.)

Customer: “Well, why can’t you send someone out now? Aren’t I a good customer?”

Me: “Yes, you are, but I need you to understand that we already scheduled techs to go out tonight to help fix other people issues who reported them sooner than you did.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that crap. I saw a tech on the next street over; why can’t you call him and tell him to swing by?”

Me: “That is because he has another job that he is already scheduled for—”

Customer: “Not more important than me. Call him; I don’t mind waiting.”

Me: “I am afraid I cannot do that.”

Customer: *sighs*

Me: “Sir, do you want me to schedule someone? I promise you they will be out there. In fact, I don’t mind calling you back to ensure it has been fixed.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you are going to make me wait. Tell you what. Since you are tier-three, walk me through how to fix the wire on the telephone pole. I may not have all the tools, but I am sure I can figure it out.”

(I hear the customer grunting as if he is climbing something.)

Me: “Um, sir, I admire your willingness to get your issue fixed, but—”


Me: “Sir, do you realize how dangerous it is to be climbing a telephone pole. Especially during a storm?!”


Me: “Sir—”

(I hear the customer slip while on the phone, then make a joke about it, and then climb back down.)

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Customer: “I just took a look at the box. I was an electrician at one point, you know; I can easily figure this out.”

Me: “Sir, if you go up that telephone pole and do something wrong, you can not only make the situation worse by messing with the wrong wires, but you can seriously get hurt. Please let the field techs do this.”

(I hear the customer rustling with some tools. Moments later, his wife screams at him for climbing the telephone pole without a harness.)

Me: “Sir, are… you back up there?”

Customer: “Yes, I need my TV and Internet. What don’t you understand about that? Are you dumb or something? I pay for a service; I demand it work!”

Me: “You have every right to want your services to work, but I will schedule someone to come out there on Thursday. I cannot, however, tell you to climb up a pole to fix the tap outside. That is dangerous, especially with it raining. You can seriously injure–“

(The customer interrupts:)

Customer: “You must be one of those ‘politically correct’ millennials. Tell you what. Since you are useless, send the guy out so I can tell him how useless you are, and I will fix this my d*** self.” *hangs up*

(I scheduled the tech. When I got home that night, I heard about a man who electrocuted himself in Tampa on the news. I begin to panic, knowing that it could be the same guy. Lucky for me, it was someone else and not the customer.)

A Big, Black Eight-Inch Bar

, , , | Right | September 18, 2018

(I work for a satellite TV company. I am at an elderly gentleman’s home. He has called in complaining of poor signal in even cloudy weather, loss of channels, and black bars on the screen. He was upsold to an HD-DVR upgrade since he had some of the original HD equipment. I re-point his dish, which was so far out of alignment I’m amazed he even had service, period, and which was the cause of all his problems. I install the new box and get everything programmed. It should be noted that the customer has stated that at his age he basically lives in his bedroom, where he has a 70″ big screen on the wall across his bed. After I get done explaining everything I have done both inside and out, he asks me to check a channel for him. He gives me a channel number, and the Info Banner pops up a moment before the picture and reads, “Granny’s First Big Black C**k.” Sure enough, that’s what shows up a second later. The customer walks up to the screen and puts his hands about eight inches apart on the bottom of the screen.)

Customer: “This is where that black bar used to show up. I’m paying for this big TV; I want to see all of it, not some of it. I was losing over a foot of picture. And sometimes on the sides, too.”

(I’m looking at the bed to ignore the porn on the screen.)

Me: “The black bars usually indicate that the program is not coming in HD, or that it is simply not an HD program. Your dish was pretty far out of alignment, so almost everything was coming in standard definition. That is all fixed now that I’ve re-pointed and tightened down your dish. You should only see those bars on programs broadcast standard now. You wouldn’t expect TV Land to be high-def.”

Customer: “I hope you’re right. I’m paying for this and I’m not going to be cheated. Where do I sign?”

(I immediately hit the previous channel button to get it back to regular programming and left as soon as I could.)

Looks Like IMF Are In The Building!

, , , , | Right | September 16, 2018

(I work as on-call tech support for a company. I receive a call from work that the Internet is down, so I go to check it. To make a long story short, the ISP is down. I go to inform the guard we have at the company. It is around 9:30 pm.)

Me: “Do you have any Internet?”

Guard: “No, not at the moment.”

Me: “Yeah, the whole region is down due to a failure at the Internet Service Provider.”

Guard: “Yeah, everything is down… except for the camera security footage at [Different Site].”

(I know the footage comes via the Internet.)

Me: “Okay, that is strange.”

Guard: “Wait a second. This footage is stuck at 7:30 am!”

(I was wondering why there were still so many cars parked at the factory.)

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