Trying To Explain It In Black And White

, , , , | Right | April 14, 2019

(My company sells computers specifically designed for old people and computer noobs, with a specific user interface, very simple, with big buttons and all functionalities color-coded. I do level-two tech support for them in addition to development. We get calls from people who have never touched a computer before.)

Caller: “Hello. I have a problem with my printer. I put a color picture and it came out in black and white.”

Me: “Okay, sir, you must have clicked on the wrong button. Click on the green tab to go to the printer page. Then you click on the ‘do a color copy’ button, not the other one labelled ‘black and white copy.’ It should print you a copy of your picture in color as you wanted to.”

Caller: “No, you don’t understand; my picture is black and white now.”

Me: “What do you mean? The printer printed a black and white copy of your picture, right?”

Caller: “No, the picture I put in the printer is black and white!”

Me: “So… you put a black and white picture and want to copy it in color?”

Caller: “No! You don’t understand! I put a colored picture in the printer and that picture is now black and white! I want it colored like before! You ruined my picture!”

Me: “You are telling me that you put a colored picture in your printer and that your original picture has changed to black and white?”

Caller: “At last! You youngsters don’t understand a simple thing! That’s what I’m saying from the beginning!”

Me: “Sir, this is impossible..”

Caller: “I assure you that my picture is now black and white! You f***** up an old family picture; that’s unacceptable!”

Me: “Sir, could you please open the lid of the printer in order to see the glass panel that is in there?”

Caller: “Oh, there is my picture.”

Me: “Is it still in color?”

Caller: “Hmm… Yes… Bye.” *click*

Will Only Touch A Mother Board

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2019

(Apart from my main job, I started a minor side gig a few years ago of fixing women’s computers. I am a woman who, with my innate understanding of computers, started helping female relatives and friends, with their home computer issues. I then went to my local college to take night classes and got my IT certification. After that, I could start doing house calls for women whom I was referred to, and have it be a real business with my certificate. I charge very little because it is only my side job and I enjoy doing it. I like getting to hang out with women as I fix their computers and it is, for the most part, quite enjoyable. But it’s women only, 100%. I will never touch a man’s computer, so I get a few miffed callers after I tell them my rule, but this one takes the cake. I get a male caller:)

Caller: “Hi there. I got your name from [Family Friend]. Can you please come over and have a look at my computer?”

Me: “Sorry. Is this your wife’s or sister’s or girlfriend’s computer?”

Caller: “No, it’s mine.”

Me: “Sorry. I don’t fix men’s computers.”

Caller: “What?! That’s ridiculous! Why not?”

Me: “You have enough people to choose from to fix your computer. I only help women.”

Caller: “Look. I’ll bring it to you.”

Me: “It doesn’t matter where it is; it matters that it’s not a woman’s.”

Caller: “I… What? That doesn’t make any sense. I’m a paying customer. You have to fix my computer, too!”

Me: “There are hundreds of techs that can fix your computer. I offer my services only to women as I find they feel more comfortable having a woman come to their house.”

Caller: “I would prefer that, too!”

Me: “I don’t care. I don’t work on men’s computers, ever. Please call [Big Store Computer Repair Services] or something. There are literally hundreds of other options besides me!”

Caller: “That’s sexist. I’ll sue you.”

Me: “Oh, okay, then. I’ll come and fix your computer.”

Caller: “What? Really?”

Me: “Yeah. If you want me on your computer after you threatened me, I’ll be right over.”

Caller: “Um…” *click*

Unfiltered Story #146824

, , | Unfiltered | April 9, 2019

(I work for an IT company that provides Helpdesk support and other IT services to companies in our area. We manage the IT for roughly one hundred and fifty different organizations, including auto shops, animal hospitals, dentists, and police stations. This user called in complaining that she couldn’t open the payroll PDF her co-worker sent her in her personal mailbox.)

“I can’t download attachments from Verizon.”
“Ok, let me look at this for you.”
(I attempt the download, IE gives a warning pop up that says it can not download the driver from Verizon)
“Ok, have you tried any other browsers?”
“Yes, Google.”
“Ok. Let me see what happens with that. Maybe it will be a different error.”
(I hop onto Chrome and attempt the download, the PDF downloads immediately.)
“I just tried that with [Co-worker] and it didn’t work. Let me back out of everything, see if I’m not crazy.”
(User opens google desktop, which uses internet explorer, and goes to the Google website to go to her mailbox.)
“See, it doesn’t work.”
“.. That’s because you’re using IE.”
“No I’m not!”

(She couldn’t even tell the difference between IE and Chrome, despite me opening both right in front of her and IE having a good five toolbars.)

Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest, The IT Edition

, , , , | Right | April 4, 2019

(I’m a work-study student in IT at my college. At the beginning of the school year, there are always tons of dumb parents and students that call or come to my desk for help, as well as dumb students and employees all year long. Story #1. The phone rings:)

Me: “[School] help desk; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I’m trying to use an email link that your website has provided, but it’s broken.”

Me: “Oh, it’s not actually broken; it just means that your computer does not have a default email client set up. Just copy and paste the link into your recipient’s bar when you go to compose a new email.”

Caller: “Do what?”

Me: “Copy and paste?”

Caller: “I don’t… I don’t know… I don’t do that.”

(Story #2. An obvious freshman and his friend come in.)

Freshie: “Hi. I want to sign into [Related School Website], but I don’t know my username and password.”

Me: “Your username is ‘firstname.lastname,’ and your password is the one you set up when you were first accepted.”

Freshie: “Oh, I forgot it. Can you give it to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t give out any passwords. But I can direct you to the place where you can reset it.”

Freshie: “Let me try one of my usuals real quick.”

(He types it in on his phone.)

Freshie: “I got it! It was my Facebook password.”

Me: “Glad you remembered.”

Freshie: “It’s the high school I went to, the year I graduated, and my football number.”

Me: “Please don’t tell me that.”

Freshie: “So what? You don’t know any of those things.”

Friend: “Yeah, but I do.”

(Story #3: The phone rings.)

Me: “[School] help desk; how may I help you?”

Father: “Hi. I was wondering if you could tell me the laptop requirements for students. My son will be arriving soon and we need to get him a new laptop.”

Me: “Our IT page has an entire section on the requirements, as well as several options for discounted laptops through a company that we have a contract with.”

Father: “Oh! Okay, what is the website?”

(I tell him the address to type directly into the URL bar to get there immediately.)

Father: “And where do I type that in?”

Me: “The URL bar.”

Father: “The what? Is that my MSN search bar?”

Me: “Um, no. It’s the bar on the top of your browser that displays your web address. If you clear it, and type in [address], then it will bring you right to our IT page.”

Father: “I’m searching it on MSN; it’s not showing up.”

(This goes on for a while before I give up and tell him the ten steps to get to the IT page through the school’s website.)

Unfiltered Story #145994

, | Unfiltered | April 2, 2019

Customer: We’ve got a problem, our delivery bags are not being marked as “delivered” any more and we’re getting an error message.

Me: By any chance have you recently updated [our prescription tracking software]?

Customer: Yes we have, just the other day.

Me: We fixed a bug recently where one porter could collect a bag and then a different porter could scan that they’d delivered it. Obviously that doesn’t make any sense so the latest version now forces the same porter to scan both jobs. Can you check whether different porters tried to collect and deliver the same bag?

Customer: Yes, they have. Why can’t two different people deliver the bag? You could in the last version. We’ve always just scanned the “collected” barcode randomly as it saves time.

Me: *grimace* Well that was actually a bug in the previous version which is now fixed. If you think about it you collect a bag because you are about to go and deliver it, that way if a bag goes missing during delivery you know who has it because they collected it. If somebody just scans “collected” and then hands the bag to somebody else you no longer have an audit trail for that bag.

Customer: But you did in the previous version? Even when deliveries went missing, we could check on the system who collected the bag. Can you add an audit trail to this new version?

Me: …the problem isn’t with the system, the problem is with your procedures. If one person scans that they have collected the bag, then they hand the bag to another porter with no instruction to the system, and then that second porter loses the bag, you won’t have a full audit trail of what happened to that bag. Sorry did you say you scan barcodes at random?

Customer: Yes and it was never a problem in the previous version. If something went missing we could still see who collected it.

Me: Well actually no, you would just see the name of the person who randomly scanned collected that time. From the sound of it you’ve never had a valid audit trail…

Customer: Now listen to me. This worked before the upgrade, and now you guys have come here and broken it. I want you to make this work like the last version that had a valid audit trail.

Me: So basically you want the system to correctly record who collected the bag, in spite of you KNOWINGLY scanning the wrong barcode?

Customer: Listen to me you stupid f*cking idiot. You clearly don’t understand what I’m saying. THIS WORKED IN THE PREVIOUS VERSION. I want to speak to your supervisor NOW!

(We literally dealt with this guy for an entire day and he simply could not grasp the problem. In the end we just reverted his software to the buggy version. The kicker was he complained about me for being stupid!)

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