Forgot To Reset Gravity, Too

, , , | Right | November 6, 2017

(This occurs while walking through some troubleshooting steps with an older, friendly customer that uses a tablet.)

Me: “Let’s try a reset! I would like you to press the sleep/wake button and the home button at the same time, and hold these until you see the [Brand] logo.”

Customer: “Okay!”

(I hear loud metal-on-floor and glass-cracking noises after 15 seconds.)

Me: “How did the reset go, sir?”

Customer: “Well. I’ve let go of the buttons like you told me, but now I’ve broken my [Tablet].”

Me: “…”

Mac Attack!

, , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I work at the help desk for a computer manufacturer. I am assisting people with their purchases after the Christmas rush. Some people have legitimate problems; others are computer-illiterate and simply need some guidance. One person in particular simply shouldn’t own a computer. I am in the middle of my shift when I answer a call from an irate man.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Company] tech support. My name is [My Name]. May I have your customer or serial number please?”

Caller: “I want you to send me a new laptop. This one doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, sir. I would be happy to assist you with your computer. I just need your customer or serial number please.”

(After a bit of back and forth, he finally allows me to guide him to the serial number on his computer and reads it to me.)

Me: “Okay, Mr. [Name]. I have your account brought up and I see you recently purchased a [Laptop Model]. What is the problem you are experiencing with it?”

Caller: “I can’t get it to install [Program], so I want you to send me a new laptop.”

Me: “Sir, I understand your frustration. I need to do a little troubleshooting to identify the problem before issuing a replacement. May I have the name of the program you are trying to install again, please?”

Caller: “It’s [Program].”

(I quickly do some research to identify if there is some compatibility issue with our computer or his version of Windows to discover that there is — the program is only written for Mac. It will never, ever work on his machine.)

Me: “Sir, that program is for Mac only. Windows cannot run it.”

Caller: “I want a new laptop. This one is broken. It won’t install [Program] and it should. I want a new one.”

Me: “Sir, it is much like putting a DVD into a VCR. While they are both made to play movies, the VCR will never be able to read a DVD. It’s different technology.”

Caller: “[Name] at my company told me I could and he knows computers.”

Me: “Sir, if you purchased a car and tried to put a motorcycle wheel on it, because someone told you that you could, would you return the car to the dealership and demand a new one because it didn’t work?”

Caller: *screams at me so loud I have to pull my headset down* “Yes, I would!”

Me: “Okay, sir, there is nothing wrong with the laptop that I can identify. It is functioning exactly as designed. If you want me to troubleshoot other issues, I am happy to do so. However, I cannot issue a replacement at this time. What I can do, if you wish, is issue you a return box with prepaid shipping, and you will receive a full refund as soon as the laptop and all of its components are received by our warehouse, as per your 30-day money back guarantee.”

Caller: “You—” *long string of expletives* “You are going to send me a new computer or I demand a refund!”

Me: “Sir, I was offering you a refund.”

Caller: “Go f*** yourself!”

Me: “Again, thank you for calling [Company] and have a great day.”

(I hung up the phone and sent him the return box while he was still ranting. I looked back at the notes after mine later that day and discovered he had tried six more times with different techs to get a new computer, and all of them told him the same thing. He eventually ended up accepting the return, thank goodness!)

Interruptions Do Not Compute

, , , , | Right | October 31, 2017

(I work for a sizable company as tech support.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Product] support. This is [Name] speaking. May I ask who I’m speaking with?”

(The woman on the line has a rattly, elderly voice.)

Caller: “What’s a [Product]? I don’t have a [Product]; I have a computer. I need help with my computer.”

Me: “Yes, m—”

(The customer refuses to let me get a word in. I try, but every first syllable I’m talked over. I am honestly impressed how little this elderly woman needs to breathe.)

Caller: “So, I have a new [Operating System #1] computer and I don’t understand; my [Operating System #2] worked just fine. But I don’t understand; it says there’s networks. I didn’t make any networks. I don’t know what a network is. What is [Someone’s Network]? Who is that? I certainly don’t know. I think people are on my network.”

Me: “Ma’am—”

Caller: “That’s not right! What are they doing to my network? All my computer has is pictures of my grandchildren and my ducks. I don’t want people to have pictures of my grandchildren.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I unders—”

Caller: “You don’t know what kind of creeper could be looking at them. I have lots of grandchildren. But my husband died in 1991. I think that’s ten years ago. No, that’s fourteen. My husband died fourteen years ago.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hea—”

Caller: “He’s the one that got me my ducks. My whole yard is full of ducks. I don’t think he wanted me to have this many ducks, but my grandchildren love them.”

Me: “Ma’am, I—”

(The customer continues to go on endlessly about her ducks, grandchildren, dead husband, and occasionally about the “hacker network,” for the next ten minutes before I finally get enough words in:)

Me: “Ma’am, unfortunately, you’re in the gaming department. What I can do is transfer you to [Company] central—”

Caller: “But I don’t have games; I have a comput—”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I understand that. Let me bring you to the computer people.”

Caller: “Oh, bless your heart. Thank you.”

(I put the customer on hold, dial the appropriate department, punch in the commands, and patch her in.)

Agent: “Hello, thank you for calling [Company] support. Who am I speaking with?”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Agent: “Huh?”

Caller: “Oh, thank you. I need someone to help me get rid of these networks. I only have two browsers. One is a folder for drivers and the other is—”

Me: *hangs up very quickly* “HEY, [BOSS], CAN I GET MY BREAK NOW?”

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 31

, , , , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(I work for a major company for Internet, TV, and phone services, and this call comes in.)

Me: “This is [My Name] with [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my f****** Internet isn’t working every time I use the d*** vacuum cleaner!”

Me: “Okay, that’s weird. Can you tell me in depth how you know that the vacuum cleaner is the issue?”

Customer: “Well, whenever I clean the house, I don’t have Internet, TV, or a phone line. It is starting to freak me out!”

Me: “But I can see that the services are working just fine.”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s the weird part; like ten to fifteen minutes after my husband comes home from work, everything works perfectly.”

Me: “Is your husband there, because maybe he fixes it somehow?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on. I’ll get him for you.” *screams husband’s name*

Husband: “Hello, this is [Husband]. What’s up?”

Me: “Your wife told me the services like Internet and TV aren’t working all day long after she used the vacuum cleaner, and just like magic, when you come home from work everything works again.”

Husband: “Yeah, that’s true. Whenever she uses the vacuum, she pulls the plug of the router and modem to put the plug of the vacuum cleaner in. Then, she removes the vacuum cleaner, but doesn’t put the plug of the modem and router back in.”

Me: *confused* “So… why didn’t you tell her this?”

Husband: “Because she thinks the router and modem don’t have anything to do with Internet and TV because she uses ‘wireless services.’ She always says she wants to throw the router and modem away because she never uses them.”

Me: *almost crying* “Okay, well, I suggest you tell her that they are needed.”

Husband: “Nope, that’s your job. Good luck.” *passes the phone back to his wife*

Customer: “Hey, so is it fixed?”

Me: “Well, it seems that you pull the plug of the modem and router whenever you use the vacuum cleaner, but forget to put the plug back in. Your husband puts the plugs back when he’s home, so that’s why all services work whenever he comes home.”

Customer: “But I use wireless; I don’t need that stupid box of s***.”

Me: “Well, actually, you need it, ma’am, because that box sends the wireless signal.”

Customer: “Oh.” *screams the name of the husband* “YOU MOTHERF*****! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS, YOU PIECE OF S***? NOW I’M F****** EMBARRASSED, YOU D***-HEAD!”

Me: “Is there anything I can assist you with, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, thanks. Lots of love, and thanks for the support!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Have a nice day.”

(Just when I said my last line, I heard pots and pans getting thrown around. I just hung up and burst into laughter. My supervisor asked me why I was laughing, so I told him the story and let him listen to the call. It was a fun day.)

Call Back Attack, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 26, 2017

(I am going through open case tickets. I find one that has a phone number to a direct line for the client. This isn’t unusual, but it’s not generally a common practice we use since we’re supposed to only call store locations unless told by the store manager, store owner, or our own supervisor. I dial the phone number in the case notes, since it says to call the store manager at the number provided. This all takes place before my work starts recording calls.)

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name] and I’m calling from [Company]. I’m calling to follow up on the case here about [problem]. I see that the last notes in the case—”

Woman: *cuts me off* “I don’t know why you keep calling me! I told the last guy from your company that called that I don’t work at no [Company] and that I don’t wanna be bothered anymore! I’m out with my kid walking and you call me about some f****** issue for [Company] that I don’t work at! I told you before to stop calling my cell!”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience we’ve caused you. I’m making notes in the case to not call the number listed so we no longer make this mistake. I hope you have a good day.”

(I hang up and go about my job. A few minutes go by and I look at the incoming calls in the queue; I see the same phone number come up that I just got off of with the angry lady. I wait for the call to come up and I answer it. Sure enough, it’s the same lady.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. Do you have an existing case number to reference?”

Woman: “I don’t know who I just got off the phone with at your d*** company, but you f****** r*****s keep calling my God-d*** cell phone! I’m tired of being harassed by you stupid f*****s!”

Me: “I do apologize for the problems this has caused you, and I see there are notes in the case that mention to never use the phone number we have written down.”

Woman: “I don’t give a f*** what your notes say! You need to stop calling me. I don’t work at [Company] and I’m tired of you a**holes calling me while I’m out with my daughter!”

Me: “It’s noted in the case to not call your number again.”

Woman: “F*** you and your God-d*** company! Don’t you be calling my phone no more!”

Me: *knowing phone calls aren’t recorded* “Ma’am, it’s noted here to not call you anymore and you calling us back after we initially spoke to you, only to berate us, is uncalled for. Quite frankly, you don’t need to be a f****** b**** about it now.”

Woman: *gasps* “Uh… uh…” *gasps again, hangs up, and never calls back*

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